Last night I went to a comedy show. It was the first show I’ve really been to since I made the announcement that I was quitting comedy. It was weird. I felt like an outsider. I felt like I was in a room full of people who I know and have spent a lot of time with over the years, and maybe it was me, but I just felt like I didn’t belong. It didn’t help that an ex boyfriend of mine was there, along with another close guy friend who I had a big falling out with a few months ago as well. As I went to leave, I looked around, and it really hit me, I felt like I didn’t belong because I was in a room full of people that I had more or less pushed out of my life.
I went home and I couldn’t get that thought out of my mind. I took a bath and tried to really think about that feeling and my own contribution to it all. What came up for me was this strong sense of never really feeling like I belong, anywhere. When I was a kid, I moved around a lot, always switching schools; I was always the new kid, always an outsider. Being a child of divorced parents never really helped that feeling either. The closest person I had growing up was my sister, and in my twenties she developed mental health problems, and shut me out, so over the years I have shut myself off from her as well.
The more I thought about having this feeling that I never really belong anywhere, I realized that because of that, I subconsciously have continuously attracted or created situations that trigger my abandonment issues. When you feel like an outsider in your mind, you never really let people in. I think the past few years I have worked hard on letting people in, and I do feel like I have made some progress there. However, that has also created an issue, where when I do let people in, and I end up getting hurt, I strike back with a fury of vengeance to just completely destroy the entire relationship. Which just furthers the situations of abandonment.
One of my other biggest issues is one of judgement. I don’t like to admit it, but I am a very judgmental person. I don’t mean that in a way that I am constantly looking down on people either, its more that I categorize them. It is why I make a good recruiter. I am good at seeing people very clearly for who they are, and accurately assessing if they would be a good fit for a job or not. When you are always judging and categorizing people though, it tends to shut you off from seeing what they might actually be capable of. Leaving room for people to surprise you with who they are, is important.
What I began to see last night, is that because I have always felt like I don’t belong, I judge myself the hardest. Recently I found myself in a relationship with someone who was a lot like me. We were alike in many ways, but in particular we both were dealing with abandonment issues, and we both were rather judgmental. Because we were so similar, I found myself constantly berating and judging him for his shortcomings. They were my shortcomings as well, and I absolutely couldn’t stop myself from just tearing him apart over some things. It wasn’t healthy, and ultimately it wasn’t sustainable. What it made me realize though is that internally, I am berating myself on a constant basis, just as harshly as I was doing to him.
I judge myself for not being perfect, and when people get close enough to me, I push them away so they can’t see my true and imperfect self. I have been living this pattern my whole life, and that is why I have always felt like this outsider… because I have made myself one.
I woke up this morning to the news that a friend of mine had passed away. This friend had lived a challenging life, and struggled for a long time with an alcohol addiction. Despite his best attempts, I think he too, just always felt alone, like an outsider who didn’t belong anywhere. Hearing that news really shook me.
In processing all of this, I don’t know what exactly the right thing to do is. However, I know that I have to change. I know that I don’t want to be an outsider anymore. I want to be present with people. I want to not judge them and only see them as a certain category that I have put them in, I want to be open to the fact that they might surprise me if I let them. I want to find myself in a room of people I know and be able to smile at all the joy we’ve shared between us. I want to be an inviting and welcoming spirit who people seek out for insight and guidance. I am quirky, weird, and a bit out there, but I see now that doesn’t mean that I don’t belong. That means that I need to be my truest, weirdest self, and attract my quirky, out there tribe of people to me. I think my mistake has always been that in feeling like the outsider, I didn’t realize it was because my soul came here to create a new tribe with a new vibe. It’s not on me to seek out those people, but rather to be me to my fullest, without judging myself, and to know that those that are meant to be in my life will find me when I do just that.
So that’s what I’m working on. I think I’ve been working on that for awhile but now I really see it. I see that loving and accepting myself completely is my only real option for happiness in this life.
So, fair warning… if you thought I was weird before… you ain’t seen nothing yet. :p
Hug your loved ones close today. Be present with people. It’s been a rough few weeks of energy for a lot of us, and you never know what someone else is really going through unless you listen, share, and truly connect. The world needs more real connections right now more than ever.
With love and light,
Christine
We can all relate…
Posted on: September 14, 2018
I haven’t written in quite sometime, and I feel like I have been avoiding myself by doing so. Writing is a lot of times my mirror. It’s how I look at my thoughts and my feelings and can try to make sense of them. Today I find myself more lost in my thoughts and emotions than I have all year.
On one hand, I am creating a business and a life that is truly helping people. When I am on the phone coaching clients, or doing clarity sessions with astrology, I am helping people come to major realizations and understandings about themselves, and it is the most incredible experience in the world. I know that I have the ability to inspire people through my own life stories, and I am working on several speeches and talks that I want to give as well. These things bring me so much joy to think about, and I know that I am on the right track in what I am doing, and that my professional future is very bright.
On the other hand… my personal life, specifically my relationships, are not doing so well. As a survivor of childhood incest, relationships come with a lot of hurdles for me to overcome within myself. I have trust issues. I have low self esteem, which leads to insecurity issues. I grew up always creating chaos around me in order to push people away from me; and now as an adult no matter how hard I try, the chaos still manages to find its way in. I have this ingrained belief that if I let people get close to me, I will get hurt, and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to shake that.
These are all challenges that I have been working on in therapy for years, but yet they are still there. They resurface any time I try to have a relationship with someone. They are the reason I would rather be alone at times then try to work at relationship.
At the end of the day though, we all crave the ability to relate to other people, and that is because relationships are a necessity for us to learn and grow. I guess that’s what is driving my passion for my business. It is how I’ve found a way to relate to people in a positive way for right now.
One of the unexpected benefits of coaching that I have found, is that I tend to attract people to me who are going through challenges that are similar to my own. I think that is the Universe’s way of helping me to help myself. It’s hard to spend an hour telling someone about all the positive ways they can impact their own life, and then sit back and look at myself, who has all the same issues, and not feel compelled to take my own advice.
As I write this, I am preparing for a call with a client, and I am already feeling slightly better and inspired by her. I have a pre-session form with a number of questions, and one in particular asks “How will you move yourself forward in the week following our call?” I love her answer:
- Be mindful of everything I do.
- If I do something that goes against my thinking I will acknowledge it and let myself know that I am doing the best I can
- I will love myself and tell myself daily
- Get good rest
- Fill myself with nutrition
- Hydrate
- Move, stay active
Those are all things I think I could really use some focus on in my own life right now. Whenever life gets overwhelming, it’s always best to go back to the basics and make sure you are making self care a priority.
We are going through some powerful transformation energy right now, that is highlighting our own behaviors that need some changing right now. Changing deeply rooted thoughts and behaviors is not easy, and it doesn’t happen over night. It is important to remember to be gentle on yourself and those around you as we work through these growing pains.
I know as I continue to work on myself, and continue to work with others in positive ways, slowly I will find better ways of relating in my personal life as well.
Positive, and patient thoughts are the prescription for this week.
Thanks for reading lovelies, I’ll be back to posting more regularly going forward. For my own sanity. 🙂
With love and light,
Christine
2017.
What a year it has been. I’m already getting chills just thinking about this year. <Deep Breath> What a year, indeed.
I started this year by creating a Vision Board to chart out my biggest goals. Goals that at the time were just mere thoughts, ideas, hopes, prayers really. My three main goals were: Buy a house, Start a business, and Find a Rock Solid Love. Supporting goals around those ideas included: Conquering my addictions, Improving my self-esteem, Seeing beyond the limits of my ego, being fearless, Finishing What I Start, and last, but certainly not least, Healing.
I had no real expectations.
I knew I was going to buy a house, but the search up until that point had been long and very tedious. I had looked at so many houses, and none of them felt right. When I created my vision board I was drawn to these pictures of a home with these crisp white walls. They seemed simple and elegant, they resonated with my soul, so onto the board they went. Three weeks into the year, the day of my thirty first birthday, I walked into a house, and as I was looking around a peaceful knowing came over my soul, this was my home. I didn’t pick up on it in that moment, but later on I was looking at my vision board, when it clicked. The house, my house, was full of tall, white, and simply elegant walls. My soul knew what I wanted all along, and through my vision board, it was able to show me exactly what that was.
Across the middle of my vision board I had created a large cutout of the word Entrepreneur. Again, I didn’t really know what that looked like, or what it meant for me, but onto the board it went for life to sort it all out. This one wasn’t as easy though. I struggled trying to figure out what business was really right for me. In March I created an LLC to do some side recruiting through. Recruiting is what I know, it’s what I’m good at, so it made sense that I create a business around that. Or did it?
A friend and former colleague of mine also started recruiting for himself about the same time. Except he was really going for it. We conversed a lot about how to go about the business, the ins and outs of taxes, legalities, contracts, etc. It didn’t take long for me to notice… that I really didn’t care about my business the way that he cared about his. It didn’t motivate me. It didn’t inspire me. That was a problem. That was a big problem.
In early March, I went to a talk by Derek Loudermilk that was called “Live the Life of your Dreams: The Top 10 Ways To Earn Money Online And Travel The World”. I was very intrigued by the message in Derek’s talk. He talked about various ways to make money through blogging, speaking, pod casting, coaching, and even creating and marketing online courses. These were all things that heavily piqued my interest. I already had a blog, I was always signing up for other people’s online life courses, and to imagine myself out giving a speech somewhere someday, possibly even a Ted talk… sent chills down my spine. This was what I wanted to do, this was the life of my dreams!!
The day after going to Derek’s talk, I got a random idea to host a Vision Board Class. I didn’t know what it would look like, or who would even want to attend, but I knew the New Moon was coming up and that was the best day of the month to plant an intention, so I created a Facebook event for the April New Moon, and hoped for the best. The night of my class, I had four girlfriends that came over. As soon as I saw the group of ladies that I would have, my heart felt so full, and so right. These were all women that I respected tremendously, who were all working hard at figuring out their own goals, and whom I knew that this class could truly help within their pursuits. It was an amazing and inspiring night.
A few weeks later, I set up a call with this Derek Loudermilk character. At the end of his talk, he had passed around a sign up sheet offering a free consultation to anyone there who wanted to talk. After seeing how inspiring my vision board class was, I wanted to talk to him and get his opinion on what kind of business I should potentially create. My one hour call turned into three hours, as Derek helped me work my way through some of my own self limiting blocks and beliefs that no one else in my life had been bold enough to call me out about to my face. My ego didn’t like him… which is exactly why my soul hired him right then and there. Working with Derek was a big financial commitment though, and again, my ego wasn’t totally on board. So I postponed our first official meeting until July so I would have enough time to wrap my ego and my brain around how the hell I was actually going to pay for him.
When I moved into my house, in the back of my mind, I had this idea that I could rent part of my it out on AirBNB. I knew I didn’t want permanent roommates, but I was totally okay with temporary guests, and even welcomed the thought of playing host to out of towners. So, with two months to secure my financial stability, and make sure I could really afford the commitment I had made, I went to work! I spent June and July getting beds, sheets, towels, and more, to turn my house into a real BNB. It was a lot of work, but it felt good, it felt right, and most of all it made me feel alive.
My first meeting with Derek came mid July. He was curious why I hadn’t posted my BNB yet. It wasn’t ready, it wasn’t perfect, I didn’t have pictures, I didn’t have a system figured out, I needed more time! My perfectionism needed more time. Derek challenged my objections though and pushed me to get the house listed by August 1st. Now my perfectionism had a choice: post it as it was… which wasn’t totally perfect, or fail to meet my first goal. I wasn’t about to be a failure, so I gave in and decided it was good enough to post. I listed the house on August 1st, my first guests checked in on August 5th. I was terrified. They were 5 kids from the UK who were finishing up a stint at a Summer Camp and had 5 days to kill in St. Louis before returning home. They had never used AirBNB, and were pretty much as clueless as I was about how exactly it was going to go. So we learned together. I learned that having house rules were important. They learned that eating your hosts food is a big no no. Lol. We had fun. Within my first month on AirBNB I made enough to pay my commitment to Derek, and still had extra to cover all my utilities. Every month since I have made enough to continue to cover my coaching costs and my most of utilities as well.
Dream Count
Soul: 1 Ego: 0
AirBNB wasn’t my end game though, that was simply one branch of the tree. My vision board class was another branch. My blog a third branch. Astrology, a passion of mine that was quickly becoming very useful to me, I knew would factor into this tree as well. While we’re on passions, there is also the topic of my comedy and storytelling, where do these fit in on my tree? Ahh, those go into the speaker branch. You know that dream of giving a TED talk that sent chills down my spine after Derek’s first talk? Yes, that is an important branch indeed. What else? Hmmm… Well, what I really want is to be someone’s Derek, calling out people’s ego’s and making them see how the only thing that is limiting them… is themselves. The more I got into astrology, and understanding my own innate talents and gifts, the more I have come to accept that this is actually something that I am very good at. I can see the bigger picture very clearly, and I’m great at meeting people on their level and talking to them in a way where they instinctively know they can trust me, and know that I have their best interests at heart. Which I do, and which is why being a coach is exactly what I need to be doing.
Dream Count
Soul: 6 Ego: 0
This year I figured out my dreams, and I learned to believe in myself enough to make them happen. Which, if that isn’t the truest definition of an Entrepreneur, then I don’t know what is.
So what about that third goal, a rock solid love? Those who know me well, know that love has been a struggle for me my entire life. Not for lack of trying, and not for a lack of suitors though, no, my struggle with love has always been with my ability to love myself. Until this year, until Derek called my ego out, and showed me how my thoughts and my words shaped this entire unlovable persona that I thought I was, I never really admitted that I didn’t love myself. When in fact, I didn’t just not love myself, but my self hatred ran quite deep. This was because I had deep hurts, deep wounds, deep pain, that I had never really acknowledged. I was always quite content to just always keep pretending I was fine. I saw no value in recognizing these things. In fact, it made me angry to even think about it. Well, it made my ego angry. You see, my ego, is the perfectionist, and for it to acknowledge my own imperfection made it quite hostile. I spent many nights this year alone in my home, quite literally screaming through that anger. Digging into it, understanding it, processing it, and thankfully slowly letting it go. Little by little, as I have let my anger go, as I have learned to understand the why behind my heavy emotions, I have slowly learned to love the imperfect woman that was beneath all of that hate. I have learned to love her something quite fierce actually. She is strong. She is kind. She is wise beyond her years. She is quite simply incredible. I can say all of that without hesitation now, because she IS the rock solid love I have been so desperately looking for.
Let’s go back to those vision board goals again: Buy a house (I moved into my house on 3/17), Start a business (Achieved on 4/7, and again on 8/1, and again on 12/4.. and again and again and again), and Find a Rock Solid Love (All year long baby). Supporting goals around those ideas included: Conquering my addictions (I was sober 1/1 – 5/4, drank like a fish in May, realized why I got sober again by June, and have only let myself have wine ever since), Improving my self-esteem (Self love all day), Seeing beyond the limits of my ego (thank you Derek), being fearless (DOING ALL OF THIS REQUIRED ME TO BE MORE FEARLESS THAN I HAVE EVER KNOWN), Finishing What I Start (AirBNB), and last, but certainly not least, Healing (Working through anger, working through pain, coming out full of self love on the other side).
Wow.
2017… you changed my life.
It all started with a vision, a prayer, a hope. That is really all you ever really need. The Universe will always conspire to take care of the rest. 🙂
Sending you all so much love and light, as always,
– Christine
P.S. If you are in the St. Louis area, join me Sunday December 17th from 2-5 PM for my next vision board class! Come plant YOUR dream seeds for 2018!!
The mind is a fascinating place. It can create a world and a life that is heaven on earth, just as quickly as it can trap you in the depths of its mental despair. The differentiator? I’m not sure anyone is really sure. The value we place on our own sanity perhaps? The strength of our spirit to overcome the mind? Genetics? All of the above?
Coming from a family with deep mental health issues, I am no stranger to the dark side of the mind. I have a sister that lost her mind, I suspect, to due guilt and grief after she was involved in a tragic accident that resulted in the death of her best friend. As far as doctors can diagnose, they have labeled her as schizophrenic, but I’m not totally sold on that. My sister was incredibly smart, and sharp minded, and after the accident, she just seemed to check out of life. She couldn’t face her pain, and the guilt that she felt. Slowly, over the years, I believe those emotions have manifested as all kinds of mental ghosts in her mind that are always haunting her.
When you’re in the middle of it, and the terrible pain around you seems so real, how does one overcome those demons?
That is a question I have spent the past few years trying to find the answer to. My verdict? Love conquers all.
Throughout my life, I too have wrestled with my own emotional/mental health demons.
Three years ago I started doing stand up comedy. I was not great by any means, but my raw vulnerability had a way of connecting with the crowd that was I think just very real to people. It was exhilarating, and when I went on stage it was a rush like I had never felt before.
Somewhere around the end of my first year of doing stand up… I lost my ability to be vulnerable. I had gotten into a relationship, and slowly, I lost my confidence and started becoming very insecure about everything.
At the time, I knew something was going on. I knew I was losing myself, but I had no idea why or how to stop it. Sure enough, as the months went on, I subtlety became someone different. Someone that was not quite the Christine that I once was. I looked the same. To the unknowing person, I probably seemed the same, but to those who loved me… to the man I was in love with… I wasn’t the same person anymore… I was a slightly less version of the me that we both knew was possible. A slightly dimmed down version of my amazing self.
At a certain point I left the relationship, because I was so lost. What I knew, but couldn’t quite put into words, was that I wasn’t okay being me any more. I wasn’t comfortable opening up and being real with people. When this all started, it was about three months into my new relationship. Right about the time when one would typically start to open up on a deeper level. Except I had never shared my depths with anyone before. I had never even really looked deep at my depths myself. Perhaps because subconsciously, I knew the demons that lived there… and I was terrified of them.
Instead of facing those demons head on though… I retreated in fear. My best self, my mind, decided it would rather be less, than to have to share my shame with the person I loved the most. My mind, my emotions, told me that he couldn’t possibly love me if he knew the real me, and so without even realizing it… I submitted to those thoughts and locked my best self away for “safe keeping”.
My soul, on the other hand, was not content with this lesser version of me. My soul could not sleep, could not eat, could not function at the thought of living the rest of my life in this place of fear. My soul is what pushed me forward and compelled me to fight the walls of the mental prison which were keeping my beautiful self locked down.
If you have been following my blog for awhile, you might be familiar with some of the demons that I am speaking of. Alcohol abuse, sexual shame, and one I haven’t quite figured out just yet, but that I’m working on, which is a highly repressed sexuality. The side effects of all of these equaled low self worth, low self esteem, depression, anxiety, insecurity, distorted thinking, grandiose fears, and overall inability to cope with life. Before I confronted and dealt with the sexual shame, and my repressed sexuality, I was a ticking time bomb of mental anguish. I had successfully masked my pain with drugs and alcohol for most of my adult life, but when I got into a real relationship, and my true self was mirrored back to me (as real love tends to do) there was no hiding from it any more. My soul saw what my mind had been hiding. The broken pieces of me that I always tried to pretend weren’t really there were front and center for my soul to see. At first this was quite frightening. I was frozen a bit in fear.
The hardest part of all of this was that what little self love I had built up for myself throughout the years, was suddenly completely gone. I was so angry with myself. I hated who I was. I hated that I wasn’t strong enough to not let this situation get so out of control. I hated that I had seemingly lost not only myself, but also this person that I loved so much, the first person that ever worked his way into the true depths of my soul. As a perfectionist, the worst thing that could happen was happening. My imperfect self was ruining my chance at a happy life. These were the thoughts my mind convinced me were real.
Slowly, what my soul began to see was that this was my purpose in life. These were the traumas I was given to overcome. Slowly, I stopped being so afraid of these demons, and I began to go to work on myself.
Over the past two years, I have worked my way through the world of jilted emotions and false realities that my mind had created which swallowed up my best self. It was not pretty, it was not easy, it required professional help, a new level of spiritual understanding, and a lot of asking the Universe to please help me figure this thing out, and then learning how to listen and look for the signs that the divine universe was sending.
During the past few years, I knew my stand up wasn’t what it once was. I wasn’t trying. I didn’t have the energy to be funny when all I felt inside was dark. I didn’t put in the effort that it needed, and every time I went up I didn’t get the same rush that I once did.
However, last night I sat down and I started writing. I wrote a new five minutes on my messed up mind. As I was writing, I noticed that I wasn’t holding back. I wasn’t afraid to address the crazy, I was raw, I was real, I was vulnerable. I wasn’t afraid any more. I had conquered my fears, and was finally in a place so good that I could look back and laugh at my crazy fucked up thoughts, rather than cry about them. When I finished writing, I sat there in an overwhelming state of peace and gratefulness; much like Andy Dufrane… I felt like I had tunneled my way through 500 yards of shit, but came out clean on the other side.
I performed my new five at an open mic, and for the first time in a long time… I felt that incredible rush that I used to get. For the first time in a long time… I felt like my best self.
The mind is so incredibly powerful. Whether you believe you can, or you can’t, you are right. Fear is also very powerful. Stronger than fear though, is love. The hope for love is what kept me going the past few years. The knowing that I could never have love until I conquered my fears and faced my depths, is what pushed me forward every day. Because you see, the man that I was dating… I loved him more than I have ever loved any other soul. It was the pure love that I had for him that made me able to see my depths so clearly. Any time my mind tried to make me forget about working on myself, and tried to tell me how everyone else was the problem, not me; that man would come to my mind, my love, and I’d remember the truth, I’d remember my lost self. I’d dig deeper, and I’d continue forging forward through all of the pain. Love was the lighthouse that saved me during the storm.
Life is a constant balance between Love and Fear; heart and mind. There is no easy button to overcoming the pain and the trauma that we each have to go through, that is a battle we each have to figure out for ourselves. The mental strength that is required to do that though… is only found when decide to chose the heart over the mind. Love truly does conquer all.
My advice to anyone going through their pain, and hurt, and suffering right now?
Follow your heart. Find your love. Face your fears. Be your best self. Every. Single. Day.
No matter how long you have to fight for it, keep going. You are worth it.
Much love and light to you all,
– Christine
So much more than a photo…
Posted on: September 23, 2017
I never got senior pictures when I was in high school. With everything going on with my legs and cancer, I was never quite in a glorified state that I wanted to memorialize during my youth. My mother did take a lot of pictures of our family though. Like, too many pictures, she was the mom who had to make sure she got a picture of everyone hanging out, with the cake, and of course soon as anyone went to take their first bite of food. I can see how my draw to taking a lot of selfies somehow comes from my moms picture taking culture meets girl who never had professional pictures taken and always wanted them. That’s me, that is how I have longingly felt about having professional pictures taken of me for around 14 years now.
Even as an adult I have always envied professionals with any kind of professional photo. I also somehow kept missing professional picture day at all the places I’ve worked at. It was just never my time. However, this past weekend when I was invited to a brainstorming/head shot photo taking meet up, I decided this was the day, it was finally time. Between my blog, comedy/story telling, and all the side gigs I am creating, having a selfie as my most professional photo just wasn’t cutting it any more. So I scheduled a blow out, and cleared my morning.
The Meetup was at the photographer’s, Becky, house which is where she has her studio, BSE Photography. Kirsten Caywood, owner of Mirror Image Lifestyle Fitness, had pulled us all together for an uplifting morning of brainstorming and picture taking. We had so much fun listening to each other’s ideas and exchanging tips, it was very serendipitous that we had the group of women that we did. 💗
After sharing our ideas, Becky led us down to her amazing studio, complete with beautiful dresses, props, and more. We kept the laughter and good vibes flowing from upstairs and what resulted from this wonderful morning, was Becky capturing my whole essence in one picture. If I had to imagine myself, it would be just like this, my eyes twinkling with the laughter that is about to come roaring out of me. That’s probably my favorite look in my eye, of all my looks in the eyes.
Becky sent me over the photos last night and it made me so incredibly happy inside to see them. I had to take a minute, and just sit in gratitude for the journey that has led me to this place. I was also suddenly overcome with joy that I had saved having my professional picture taking up until this point, because the woman in this picture is not only gorgeous, but she is 100% in love with everything about life. Being that that has not always been the case for me, made the moment and her picture that much more special to me.
My heart is so full. Thank you Becky for capturing such a special moment. 💗
Have a beautiful weekend all!
– Christine
- In: Rants
- Leave a Comment
News of the Jason Stockley verdict has just dropped here in St. Louis. Another instance of a rogue cop shooting a most likely unarmed black man. (A gun was planted on the victim, a gun which only contained the DNA of the cop, and not the mans.) This cop was not only carrying his own personal AK-47, but was also heard on camera saying “gonna kill this motherfucker.” These are the facts, yet still, this morning, St. Louis Judge Timothy Wilson announced that he did not have enough evidence to conclude there was any wrong doing. As news of the verdict here spreads, people on both sides are angry and on edge.
As a white woman… I want to go on record to my other fellow white St. Louisans. I know you don’t want to see our city in distress, and you don’t want to see protests and riots erupting all over town, for fear of how they are going to impact the traffic as you travel to the Balloon Glow, or the U2 Concert, or Ed Sheeran. I know that is what so many of you are currently upset about. However, I have news for you, the distress and disrupt that our city is in for, is nothing compared to the distress and pain that the people of color are currently feeling in our community. They are hurt, angry, and currently feeling a lot like they don’t matter, because cops are killing them and getting away with it at an alarming rate in our city. On top of that, they can feel the indifference of the white community to their injustice. They know all you are concerned about is your peaceful bubble and it not being disturbed. THAT’S the problem. POC do not have a peaceful bubble to live in. They do not have the privilege of not caring or being indifferent to these situations any more because members of their community are being shot and killed, unlawfully, by police who are walking away free and clear.
Imagine this same scenario happening in West County to an affluent white kid. There would be plenty of uproar to hearing that a cop pulled out his own personal AK-47, which was illegal for him to even have on him, and maliciously mutter, “gonna kill this motherfucker”, and then that cop is acquitted of all wrong doing. I don’t think any of us could say that we don’t think the outcome of the situation would be slightly different had this happened to a white man vs. a black man.
St. Louis has a deeply entrenched racial divide. There is no denying that. What that presents us with though, is also the opportunity to bridge the racial divide not just for our city, but as an example to the entire nation. This weekend we will be in the national spot light. Imagine if the message coming out of our city was not one of violent protests and riots, but instead one of our whole community coming together in unity and solidarity against the System. The systems of our government which perpetrate these gross missteps of justices are the real enemy. That fact should be concerning to all of us who value our freedom. Our government loves the racial divide. They love keeping us distracted, pitted against one another, and angry at the wrong things. We are smarter than that though. We can all see that today the system has failed all of us. So it is up to us ALL to take a stand against this injustice. If we truly want to restore peace to our city, we must do so together. Standing up for what is right, together.
So, to my fellow St. Louis citizens who are currently turning in your chairs with angst about how these protests and riots are going to disrupt your weekend plans… I think you need to take a closer look at this situation. I think you need to really understand how your rights have been violated today as well. I think you need to pull out your sharpies, and your construction board and make your own signs, and join all the men and women downtown and around our city today in taking a stand. In the least, we need to recognize that this issues is impacting and affecting all of us, and that it is going to take participation from all of us in order to make a difference. We can only create a real change when we all go at it together. This is not a problem for the black community, this is a problem for the St. Louis community. Remember that.
God Bless St. Louis, stay safe.
– Christine
I don’t know about you, but for me, August was jam packed with stuff. Work was crazy, my house was busy (Oh, I am renting my house on AirBNB now, check it out!), and there was also no shortage of relationship insights and revelations via the men in my life.
I spent the last week in Florida with my family, enjoying the ocean air and sun, and after such a jam packed month… I spent the week reveling in disconnecting from all my responsibilities and tasks, and let myself enjoy not having to do a damn thing if I didn’t want to. It was great.
However, as the month wraps up, I am back at work this week, back on the mental grind of figuring out where I am steering this ship that is my life, and back at this game of trying to force myself to write.
I believe more than anything what I am taking away from this busy month (which was also jam packed with celestial energy, pushing us all to new heights of self growth revelations), is the gift of being present in each moment. Mentally, I often find myself dwelling in the past, or worrying about the future, yet, this month which so much going on, I was forced to focus on the present moment more than normal, which was good. It was a bit foreign to me though. I didn’t fully embrace the present moment for all that it could have offered. Looking back on several moments, I can see that my relationships and connections may have stood to gain more meaning had I opened myself up in certain situations.
I react instinctively to so many situations, with a set response or reaction, that has just been my go to response for so very long, that I rarely look at each situation in the present moment to recognize the uniqueness of this situation and appreciate it for what it is. Later, as I sit and reflect, I will often see how I missed out in the moment because I didn’t see it for what it truly was. I live in a land of assumptions, which I now see are keeping me from living more fully in the present. So, as this past eclipse brings with it the strong energy of change and the ability to see ourselves and our flaws more clearly, I can now see the impact that living a more present life could have for me… and I am excited to push myself in this area of growth.
For me personally, the eclipse, which was on the 28 degree of Leo, falls into the 8th House in my birth chart. The 8th house rules sexuality, commitments, intimacy, and metamorphosis. What this means, is that for the next 6 months (as we continue to soak in the full effect of the eclipse for 6 months), if I focus on those areas I will be able to see my inherent flaws in these areas with much more clarity, thereby giving me a greater ability to change them. With realizing the effects of my challenges with assumptions and being present, I can already see the potential positive effects that this period of change will bring to my life. Because of this… I do see that I may be more reclusive over the next 6 months. Saving more time for myself, to better understand my challenges in these areas, and also investing more of myself into the interactions that I do have with people… which will end up taking more out of me, and thereby leaving me more selective about whom I spend my time with.
These are the insights that this powerful and busy month has left me with, and if you don’t see me out as much in the next few months, this is why.
It is a very powerful time right now for transformation. Take some time to look at your life, and see how the flaws in your mental thought process may be holding you back. The Universe is conspiring to disseminate radical change right now, within our lives and on a grand scale in our world as well. Step back, see where your beliefs are limiting you, know that you are a being of pure light and love who is capable of doing anything you set your mind to, and know that change, while sometimes hard, is now so very necessary for us all. ❤
Talk soon,
– Christine
PS. If you are interested in finding out about how this eclipse affects you personally, I am offering free eclipse insights to the first five readers to respond. Comment on FB, or reach out directly at STLSass1s@gmail.com ❤
I heard some thing last week that has helped me find the strength that I have needed to find in order to move forward in several areas of my life that have been stagnant lately. It is so simple, and also something I knew, but there is a difference between knowing something and being told some thing is in fact right by a teacher or outside person. Hearing this from a third party was the added confirmation that I needed to take this advice to heart.
The pearl of wisdom I received…
“If you ever feel that there is something that you uncontrollably HAVE to do, or just HAVE to say to someone… that is your sign that you should not say or do that thing.”
I know full well when I shouldn’t contact an ex, or have one more drink, or whatever, HOWEVER, so many times that little voice creeps in my head to convince me of just exactly why I not only should do said thing, but that I HAVE to do it. I’m really great at convincing myself to do things that I previously told myself I would not do because doing said things is actually very unhealthy for me. My ego’s go to convincing argument almost always includes the words, “because you just have to!”, in the most life will be in dire straits if you don’t do it kind of way.
You know what though? I don’t HAVE to do anything. Life will go on, things will progress exactly as they were meant to, and I don’t HAVE to DO anything to make it otherwise.
Over the past week, I have caught myself saying the HAVE TO phrase to myself more times than I care to admit. It has been extremely eye opening AND rewarding forcing myself to look really hard at why I am really trying to convince myself to do something. Any time I get so deep that I am telling myself it’s because I just have to, I’m really grasping for straws at that point as to why I can allow myself to do something that clearly goes against my own greater good.
Humans are funny creatures like that. Our ego’s have a way of convincing us, in the moment, to do things that really only serve the ego, and serve the purpose of holding us back from our true potential. The more we pause, and restrict, the less we live from our naturally reactive state of chaos.
Anyways, that was a great piece of advice that I have implemented this past week, which has already helped me really cut through all the crap I try to tell myself at times, and stick with the higher road for my own good. I hope it can help some of you as well!
Peace and Love,
– Christine
I don’t think it takes a person being in St. Louis for very long, for them to get a hot tip to check out brunch at Southwest Diner. It is a popular eatery, with a great reputation, and from what I’ve always heard, very good food.
However, despite the numerous times it has been recommended to me, it was not until just last weekend that I actually ventured to this local staple to finally check it out. The reason for my delayed visit? Well, and I believe this is the reason that perhaps a lot of people tend to steer clear of this trendy diner, is because when you drive by the place it always has people lined up in the streets outside waiting making it seem as though you are going to have to wait until clear past noon to get a spot in the place. Just driving by and seeing the line has deterred me from checking it out countless times prior.
I am here to tell you all though… you cannot judge this book by it’s cover. After finally taking an opportunity to check it out, I found out two things immediately upon arrival that made me understand why people were lining up in droves. 1) The place is much bigger on the inside than it seems. It looks deceivingly small from the outside, however, inside it has quite an ample sized dining room with room for a lot more people than you would think, which means the wait moves a long a lot fast than I would have originally thought. 2) While you wait, there is an air conditioned bus on the side of the building where you can hang out, get free coffee, and buy a boozy drink if you like! What?? Okay, now this waiting business is really not so bad.
My friend and local scholar, Brandon Reinert, (The bus bartender, and also all around great guy to strike up a conversation about life with) noted if you have a smaller party, as in only two people, you probably won’t have to wait long at all. Larger parties are where the longer wait times may kick in, but again… free coffee and bus with a bartender? Not a bad situation. So after checking in, and grabbing a screw driver on the bus, chatting up Brandon for a minute, we didn’t even have time to take a seat before our name was being called.
After getting situated in our seat at the bar, I ordered a breakfast burrito, with a side of biscuits and gravy (because I was hormonal and felt I needed all the food), and my friend ordered eggs and potatoes, both meals comprised of solid breakfast staple foods, as if to say, “Alright Southwest Diner show us what you got.”
Let me tell you, what they’ve got is amazing food. Case in point:
I’m no instagram foodie pic specialist, but take my word for it guys, this food was superb. The burrito, which was a vegan sausage breakfast burrito, had the perfect temperament of spicy, but not overly spicy, and add in their guacamole (not pictured), and I was in heaven. The biscuits and gravy, also superb. Their biscuit was a handmade lump of perfection topped off with just the right amount of gravy… and I do mean perfect, because just tad more and I would have been on gravy overload, and a tad less and it wouldn’t have been enough to squelch my gravy craving. My friend’s seasoned potatoes and eggs were both also at the peak of brunch perfection.
By the time I finished my food I was amazed that I had let the made up notion of ridiculously long wait times keep me from the deliciousness that was Southwest Diner. Coupled with it’s cool music, chill vibes, and a dope party bus to sip drinks on while you wait, Southwest Diner really does have it all.
So if you are like me, and have been dissuaded by the perception of a long wait thus far, don’t worry, it’s really not so bad. Plus you can hang out and grab a drink or some coffee from Brandon on the bus while you wait, it’s a win/win!
Enjoy the weekend all!
– Christine
StLSass 