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Posts Tagged ‘emotions

I haven’t written in quite sometime, and I feel like I have been avoiding myself by doing so. Writing is a lot of times my mirror. It’s how I look at my thoughts and my feelings and can try to make sense of them. Today I find myself more lost in my thoughts and emotions than I have all year.

On one hand, I am creating a business and a life that is truly helping people. When I am on the phone coaching clients, or doing clarity sessions with astrology, I am helping people come to major realizations and understandings about themselves, and it is the most incredible experience in the world. I know that I have the ability to inspire people through my own life stories, and I am working on several speeches and talks that I want to give as well. These things bring me so much joy to think about, and I know that I am on the right track in what I am doing, and that my professional future is very bright.

On the other hand… my personal life, specifically my relationships, are not doing so well. As a sexual abuse survivor, relationships come with a lot of hurdles for me to overcome within myself. I have trust issues. I have low self esteem, which leads to insecurity issues. I grew up always creating chaos around me in order to push people away from me; and now as an adult no matter how hard I try, the chaos still manages to find its way in. I have this ingrained belief that if I let people get close to me, I will get hurt, and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to shake that.

These are all challenges that I have been working on in therapy for years, but yet they are still there. They resurface any time I try to have a relationship with someone. They are the reason I would rather be alone at times then try to work at relationship.

At the end of the day though, we all crave the ability to relate to other people, and that is because relationships are a necessity for us to learn and grow. I guess that’s what is driving my passion for my business. It is how I’ve found a way to relate to people in a positive way for right now.

One of the unexpected benefits of coaching that I have found, is that I tend to attract people to me who are going through challenges that are similar to my own. I think that is the Universe’s way of helping me to help myself. It’s hard to spend an hour telling someone about all the positive ways they can impact their own life, and then sit back and look at myself, who has all the same issues, and not feel compelled to take my own advice.

As I write this, I am preparing for a call with a client, and I am already feeling slightly better and inspired by her. I have a pre-session form with a number of questions, and one in particular asks “How will you move yourself forward in the week following our call?”¬† I love her answer:

  1. Be mindful of everything I do.
  2. If I do something that goes against my thinking I will acknowledge it and let myself know that I am doing the best I can
  3. I will love myself and tell myself daily
  4. Get good rest
  5. Fill myself with nutrition
  6. Hydrate
  7. Move, stay active

Those are all things I think I could really use some focus on in my own life right now. Whenever life gets overwhelming, it’s always best to go back to the basics and make sure you are making self care a priority.

We are going through some powerful transformation energy right now, that is highlighting our own behaviors that need some changing right now. Changing deeply rooted thoughts and behaviors is not easy, and it doesn’t happen over night. It is important to remember to be gentle on yourself and those around you as we work through these growing pains.

I know as I continue to work on myself, and continue to work with others in positive ways, slowly I will find better ways of relating in my personal life as well.

Positive, and patient thoughts are the prescription for this week.

Thanks for reading lovelies, I’ll be back to posting more regularly going forward. For my own sanity. ūüôā

With love and light,

Christine

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The mind is a fascinating place. It can create a world and a life that is heaven on earth, just as quickly as it can trap you in the depths of its mental despair. The differentiator? I’m not sure anyone is really sure. The value we place on our own sanity perhaps? The strength of our spirit to overcome the mind? Genetics? All of the above?

Coming from a family with deep mental health issues, I am no stranger to the dark side of the mind. I have a sister that lost her mind, I suspect, to due guilt and grief after she was involved in a tragic accident that resulted in the death of her best friend. As far as doctors can diagnose, they have labeled her as schizophrenic, but I’m not totally sold on that. My sister was incredibly smart, and sharp minded, and after the accident, she just seemed to check out of life. She couldn’t face her pain, and the guilt that she felt. Slowly, over the years, I believe those emotions have manifested as all kinds of mental ghosts in her mind that are always haunting her.

When you’re in the middle of it, and the terrible pain around you seems so real, how does one overcome those demons?

That is a question I have spent the past few years trying to find the answer to. My verdict? Love conquers all.

Throughout my life, I too have wrestled with my own emotional/mental health demons.

Three years ago I started doing stand up comedy. I was not great by any means, but my raw vulnerability had a way of connecting with the crowd that was I think just very real to people. It was exhilarating, and when I went on stage it was a rush like I had never felt before.

Somewhere around the end of my first year of doing stand up… I lost my ability to be vulnerable. I had gotten into a relationship, and slowly, I lost my confidence and started becoming very insecure about everything.

At the time, I knew something was going on. I knew I was losing myself, but I had no idea why or how to stop it. Sure enough, as the months went on, I subtlety became someone different. Someone that was not quite the Christine that I once was. I looked the same. To the unknowing person, I probably seemed the same, but to those who loved me… to the man I was in love with… I wasn’t the same person anymore… I was a slightly less version of the me that we both knew was possible. A slightly dimmed down version of my amazing self.

At a certain point I left the relationship, because I was so lost. What I knew, but couldn’t quite put into words, was that I wasn’t okay being me any more. I wasn’t comfortable opening up and being real with people. When this all started, it was about three months into my new relationship. Right about the time when one would typically start to open up on a deeper level. Except I had never shared my depths with anyone before. I had never even really looked deep at my depths myself. Perhaps because subconsciously, I knew the demons that lived there… and I was terrified of them.

Instead of facing those demons head on though… I retreated in fear. My best self, my mind, decided it would rather be less, than to have to share my shame with the person I loved the most. My mind, my emotions, told me that he couldn’t possibly love me if he knew the real me, and so without even realizing it… I submitted to those thoughts and locked my best self away for “safe keeping”.

My soul, on the other hand, was not content with this lesser version of me. My soul could not sleep, could not eat, could not function at the thought of living the rest of my life in this place of fear. My soul is what pushed me forward and compelled me to fight the walls of the mental prison which were keeping my beautiful self locked down.

If you have been following my blog for awhile, you might be familiar with some of the demons that I am speaking of. Alcohol abuse, sexual abuse, and one I haven’t quite figured out just yet, but that I’m working on, which is a highly repressed sexuality. The side effects of all of these equaled low self worth, low self esteem,¬†depression, anxiety, insecurity,¬†distorted thinking, grandiose fears, and overall inability to cope with life. Before I confronted and dealt with the sexual abuse, and my repressed sexuality, I was a ticking time bomb of mental anguish. I had successfully masked my pain with drugs and alcohol for most of my adult life, but when I got into a real relationship, and my true self was mirrored back to me (as real love tends to do) there was no hiding from it any more. My soul saw what my mind had been hiding. The broken pieces of me that I always tried to pretend weren’t really there were front and center for my soul to see. At first this was quite frightening. I was frozen a bit in fear.

The hardest part of all of this was that what little self love I had built up for myself throughout the years, was suddenly completely gone. I was so angry with myself. I hated who I was. I hated that I wasn’t strong enough to not let this situation get so out of control. I hated that I had seemingly lost not only myself, but also this person that I loved so much, the first person that ever worked his way into the true depths of my soul. As a perfectionist, the worst thing that could happen was happening. My imperfect self was ruining my chance at a happy life. These were the thoughts my mind convinced me were real.

Slowly, what my soul began to see was that this was my purpose in life. These were the traumas I was given to overcome. Slowly, I stopped being so afraid of these demons, and I began to go to work on myself.

Over the past two years, I have worked my way through the world of jilted emotions and false realities that my mind had created which swallowed up my best self. It was not pretty, it was not easy, it required professional help, a new level of spiritual understanding, and a lot of asking the Universe to please help me figure this thing out, and then learning how to listen and look for the signs that the divine universe was sending.

During the past few years, I knew my stand up wasn’t what it once was. I wasn’t trying. I didn’t have the energy to be funny when all I felt inside was dark. I didn’t put in the effort that it needed, and every time I went up I didn’t get the same rush that I once did.

However, last night I sat down and I started writing. I wrote a new five minutes on my messed up mind. As I was writing, I noticed that I wasn’t holding back. I wasn’t afraid to address the crazy, I was raw, I was real, I was vulnerable. I wasn’t afraid any more. I had conquered my fears, and was finally in a place so good that I could look back and laugh at my crazy fucked up thoughts, rather than cry about them. When I finished writing, I sat there in an overwhelming state of peace and gratefulness; much like Andy Dufrane… I felt like I¬†had tunneled my way through 500 yards of shit, but came out clean on the other side.

I performed my new five at an open mic, and for the first time in a long time… I felt that incredible rush that I used to get. For the first time in a long time… I felt like my best self.

The mind is so¬†incredibly powerful. Whether you believe you can, or you can’t, you are right. Fear is also very powerful. Stronger than fear though, is love. The hope for love is what kept me going the past few years. The knowing that I could never have love until I conquered my fears and faced my depths, is what pushed me forward every day. Because you see, the man that I was dating… I loved¬†him more than I have ever loved any other soul. It was the pure love that I had for him that made me able to see my depths so clearly.¬†Any time my mind tried to make me forget about working on myself, and tried to tell me how everyone else was the problem, not me; that man would come to my mind, my love, and I’d remember the truth, I’d remember my lost self. I’d dig deeper, and I’d continue forging forward through all of the pain. Love was the lighthouse that saved me during the storm.

Life is a constant balance between Love and Fear; heart and mind. There is no easy button to overcoming the pain and the trauma that we each have to go through, that is a battle we each have to figure out for ourselves. The mental strength that is required to do that though… is only found when decide to chose the heart over the mind. Love truly does conquer all.

My advice to anyone going through their pain, and hurt, and suffering right now?

Follow your heart. Find your love. Face your fears. Be your best self. Every. Single. Day.

No matter how long you have to fight for it, keep going. You are worth it.

Much love and light to you all,

– Christine

 

 

 

Energetically speaking, there is a lot going on in the universe right now.

First off, Venus is retrograde at the moment, which because Venus is the ruler of love and relationships, we may be feeling a bit confused about that area of our lives right now. Conflicted feelings about past relationships could be surfacing as well.¬†I know I have been feeling conflicted things about my previous love, just when I thought I was finally getting over him. I’m not sure what it means, but I am focusing on having patience with my thoughts and focusing on understanding the feelings I still have that are creating them. That way I can find the lesson that still remains to be found there.

The Full Moon in Virgo last night combine with Venus in retrograde is pulling our focus to look within ourselves. To think about who we truly are, what we really value, and what is worth our energy in life. I have been feeling this as well, as lately I have been becoming aware of my scattered energetic efforts to do so much, and the realization that I need to figure out what it is I truly want and then focus all of my energy on that area, instead of trying to do and be everything. I’m a blogger, a comedian, a recruiter, an astrologer, and a healer… but I can’t do all of those things well when I try to be them all, so I need to pick an area and focus.

On top of it all we are in the month of Pisces, so there is so much energy around emotions making us all overly emotional. I have felt this very much lately. I have cried more times this month than I have the past 6 months combined probably. Sometimes over the smallest upsets. I feel like I could cry right now to be honest, and nothing is even really wrong.

The key to navigating all of these strong energies right now, is to focus within. Have patience with yourself, and be aware that your emotions and strong feelings are being brought up now for you to examine them and find the depth of the lessons behind them.

So if you find yourself feeling some of this, just be conscious to take everything with a grain of salt right now. Focus on yourself as you can’t control the world. Give in to the flow of the Universe, and trust in it. Remember you are doing the best you can, and that you are amazing, always.

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Thanks for reading lovelies, have a good Monday!

– Christine

 

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, let’s just get that out there first thing. I’m irritated by several situations at the moment, the least of them being the fact that my ex boyfriend is seeing someone new, maybe, I don’t even really know I’m just intuitive AF, and¬†have a sense about these things. I’m over him. In fact, a psychic just this weekend told me how completely wrong he is for me, and my only thought was yes, I concur. HOWEVER, upon seeing him befriend a new woman¬†on Facebook this weekend, I lost my shit, because I DON’T KNOW WHY!!! Why does this still bother me? Why can’t I bring myself to de-friend him on FB so I can stay less informed¬†about these kinds of things?? Why, when I know I deserve so much more than he is capable of giving, do I still think about him at all???

This is just my most recent ex boyfriend. I can’t even go into the shit storm of emotions that I still have around the first love of my life. Which that was almost 10 years ago. We only dated for 2 years, but yet every few months we still chit chat and catch up¬†on life, and inevitably once every so often one of us will bring up unresolved feelings that we still have for the other and just put it out there with no intent of anything actually coming of it. It’s great. Very healthy for my mental well being, let me tell you.

Not to mention the men who never really mattered to me that still feel the need to check back around with me like clock work, who I’ve learned to just ignore, because if I didn’t have feelings for them the first time around, I’m not going to develop them now.

Do I have a permanent “Please fuck with me emotionally!” sign taped to my back that I’m not aware of???

AHHHHHHHHHHH

Everything I know about life tells me that I only have all these unresolved feelings around things because I still have something to learn from these people in my life, but it would be really great if life could give me some pointers on what these lessons still left to be learned were.

Then again, block and delete is a message I can recognize, yet I don’t have the heart to do that yet.

Lesson 1: Be more heartless. Working on it.

Lesson 2: Don’t look back. Working on it.

…. The psychic this weekend also let me know I’d be single another 4 years…. WHICH IS FINE, but¬†perhaps that’s why I’m just so fucking over love and anything remotely to do with it at the moment. (And no, I’m not taking the word of a psychic for solid life advice, but I will take it with a grain of salt.)

Most days I am perfectly content with my life, single or attached, I love me, and I know that’s all I need. Then some days an ex resurfaces in my life and makes me question every choice I’ve ever made in my major relationships.¬†Then some days are the day before Valentine’s day and I¬†just want to rant about how much emotional drama I still feel for my¬†ex boyfriends who still have tiny slivers of my heart that I feel like I’m missing.

Emotions aside now.

This isn’t about any person… but me.

When I focus on myself I do fine.

When I take precautions against things that cause me to have irrational emotions I do better.

Lesson learned.

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and life moves on.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY EVE EVERYONE!

– Christine

 

 

I have been attempting to write a meaningful and impactful blog for approximately 3 months now. I have started and abandoned at least 20 different posts during that time, because nothing I wrote could quite capture the essence of everything that I wanted to say. Mostly because I wasn’t quite certain exactly what it was I was trying to say. You see, I have this vision in my head of how the world is supposed to operate, how society is supposed to function, and how we as people achieve true happiness in life. However, every blog I have started so far has inevitably ended up sounding like I am just bitching at the world about everything that everyone is doing wrong, which is not particularly the direction that my soul wanted to go towards in order to make an impact on the world.

So tonight I am simply going to share my own story and my vision in the hopes that it strikes a chord with people and encourages people to examine their daily beliefs and actions, and evaluate what they can do within their own lives, to achieve that magical happiness that everyone is so desperately seeking in this world right now.

Two years ago, at the age of 26, I found myself in my first adult job, struggling to keep my head above water from all the stress in my life, when I let my emotions get out of control, and I decided to give up on life. I walked into my boss’ office and told her I simply couldn’t do it anymore, and that I sincerely appreciated the opportunity, but I had nothing left in me to continue on. I had already lined up a position with my former employer – a great company that I had worked at for 3 years until I decided that it was time for me to pursue a more challenging career, because I was bored there. Now here I was, failing at the new challenge that I had sought out, fleeing back to the safety of a job that I knew would bring me no internal satisfaction, because hey, at least it was easy…

I left my big girl job that day feeling more defeated and miserable than I had ever felt before in my life. I went home to my apartment and sat on my living room chair in silence, not moving for hours, just screaming at myself in my head trying to figure out just what the hell I was doing. I knew giving up was the wrong decision. I knew that taking the easier option was not going to make me happy. I knew all of this, and after the initial paralyzing fog wore off… I knew I had to fix my mistake.

I called my boss the next morning and told her I had made a huge mistake, and if there was anything that I could possibly do to correct that mistake – I would do it. She agreed to meet me that afternoon and talk. After talking with her that afternoon it became very clear that I was struggling with a number of things in my life, which coupled with the stress from work, had just become too much for me to handle. What my boss was able to show me that day was that this didn’t mean that I wasn’t cut out for my position, it just meant that I needed some help and some guidance on how to better understand not only myself, but life in general. My boss offered me a deal –¬† I could have my job back if I agreed to start seeing a counselor – someone to help me deal with all of the issues in my life that were clearly limiting my ability to live a happy life. I agreed, I got my job back, and I set up my first session with a counselor.

That is the moment where my life change began.

I have been seeing my counselor for 2 years now, and I have transformed from that girl who was depressed and struggling to make it day to day – to a strong and confident woman who sees no challenge as something too big to overcome. I have to say, it is one of the best feelings in the world knowing that there is nothing in this world that cannot be achieved when you put your mind to it.

Previously, I would let my emotions run rampant and create perceptions that I accepted as reality, which then influenced me to make decisions based on things that weren’t even true. Everyone goes through things in their life that shape their perception of reality. What I learned is that we have to overcome those false ideas and always focus on the facts. Look at what you know to be true, and forget everything else. Assumptions, made up facts, and flat out lies – are easy to see through when you really focus on achieving the truth in every situation.

Once I focused on finding the truth in my life, I found that I had been lying to myself about a lot of things for a long time. As a natural born people pleaser, I always wanted to appear as though everything was great. This behavior led to me never acknowledging things that were in fact not great and not ok in my life. I had unresolved issues going all the way back to my early childhood. There were decisions that I made as a child that I knew were wrong, but I couldn’t see the harm that they were causing, so I lied to myself and convinced myself that it wasn’t wrong and that it wasn’t hurting anyone so it really didn’t matter.

Looking back I can see that those choices and situations that I let myself be a part of… shaped everything about the person who I grew up to be. My issues created a lack of self esteem, a lack of confidence, and a misguided perception of what I deserved in life. I didn’t believe I deserved good things, so I never pushed myself to do better or to make better choices. ¬†I spent my life subconsciously sabotaging myself. With the help of my counselor, I finally confronted those decisions that I had spent a lifetime pretending I didn’t make. I finally dealt with the pain that it had caused me and admitted to myself that it was in fact a big deal, and it did matter. Then after I admitted them to myself, I told my close friends as well. I knew it wasn’t anything that would impact their perception of me, but I had never told anyone these things so until that moment, I never really knew if anyone would ever truly accept the real me.

My friends not only accepted me, but they gave me the support and feedback that I needed in order to know that I was doing the right thing, and that I had nothing to be ashamed of. My shame, my burden, and my guilt all almost completely faded away in that one day. I think of that as the day that my long time depression finally lifted, and I finally felt free to truly be happy.

Coincidentally, that happened right before I went on vacation to Florida for 8 days of R&R on the beach. I spent that vacation in the most serene and relaxed state that I have ever experienced. My mind was clear, my conscious was clear, and I was more relaxed and unburdened than I had ever been.

I came home from that vacation more enthused and ecstatic about life than ever before. I found myself pursuing goals and passions that I had thought about previously, but never had the motivation to go for. I ¬†joined an improv class, I started meditating, I joined a writer’s group, and maybe most importantly… I found God.

After a lifetime growing up with my religious to a fault mother, 14 years of private school, and countless summers spent at vacation bible school – I found God at the age of 28 while I was meditating on top of a hill in Forest Park.¬† After focusing my mind, finding my mental happy place of calm and relaxation, I opened my eyes… and I just saw God. I suddenly felt his presence in everything around me, I saw his face in the clouds above me, I saw his connection with all of the living things around me, and simply put: I felt the power of God as the Master and Creator of Life. In that one moment everything I had ever known or heard about God the Almighty, God the Great, and God the Omnipotent Power – I suddenly knew it all to be true. I not only knew it all to be true, but I immediately felt a connection to this Greater Energy force, and in that moment, I knew that all the power that I saw around me… was also within me. That moment of realization is hands down the single best moment of my life so far. That is the moment that I realized that there was nothing in this life that I could not conquer.

… That experience is something I may never have achieved if just two years earlier I had let myself give up, taken the easy way out, and never admitted that maybe I needed some help to figure out my life.

Don’t ever be afraid to seek out help. The greatest minds of our time had plenty of help figuring life out. Every person can use a fresh perspective at times to help you see things a little bit different. Perhaps even a little bit clearer.

We live in a time where the easy button is a real thing, and it is incredibly easy to set your life to auto pilot, and just sail through life without ever actually living.

Which is why more than anything else in this world, we HAVE to push ourselves to face the hard truths and do the hard work in order to find our TRUE happiness.

Don’t let life pass you by on easy street.

Find your truth in life. No matter how hard it is to face at first, I promise it will be one of the best things you ever do for yourself.