StLSass

Pain is one of our greatest teachers if we listen to it.

Posted on: October 12, 2018

Last night I went to a comedy show. It was the first show I’ve really been to since I made the announcement that I was quitting comedy. It was weird. I felt like an outsider. I felt like I was in a room full of people who I know and have spent a lot of time with over the years, and maybe it was me, but I just felt like I didn’t belong. It didn’t help that an ex boyfriend of mine was there, along with another close guy friend who I had a big falling out with a few months ago as well. As I went to leave, I looked around, and it really hit me, I felt like I didn’t belong because I was in a room full of people that I had more or less pushed out of my life.

I went home and I couldn’t get that thought out of my mind. I took a bath and tried to really think about that feeling and my own contribution to it all. What came up for me was this strong sense of never really feeling like I belong, anywhere. When I was a kid, I moved around a lot, always switching schools; I was always the new kid, always an outsider. Being a child of divorced parents never really helped that feeling either. The closest person I had growing up was my sister, and in my twenties she developed mental health problems, and shut me out, so over the years I have shut myself off from her as well.

The more I thought about having this feeling that I never really belong anywhere, I realized that because of that, I subconsciously have continuously attracted or created situations that trigger my abandonment issues. When you feel like an outsider in your mind, you never really let people in. I think the past few years I have worked hard on letting people in, and I do feel like I have made some progress there. However, that has also created an issue, where when I do let people in, and I end up getting hurt, I strike back with a fury of vengeance to just completely destroy the entire relationship. Which just furthers the situations of abandonment.

One of my other biggest issues is one of judgement. I don’t like to admit it, but I am a very judgmental person. I don’t mean that in a way that I am constantly looking down on people either, its more that I categorize them. It is why I make a good recruiter. I am good at seeing people very clearly for who they are, and accurately assessing if they would be a good fit for a job or not. When you are always judging and categorizing people though, it tends to shut you off from seeing what they might actually be capable of. Leaving room for people to surprise you with who they are, is important.

What I began to see last night, is that because I have always felt like I don’t belong, I judge myself the hardest. Recently I found myself in a relationship with someone who was a lot like me. We were alike in many ways, but in particular we both were dealing with abandonment issues, and we both were rather judgmental. Because we were so similar, I found myself constantly berating and judging him for his shortcomings. They were my shortcomings as well, and I absolutely couldn’t stop myself from just tearing him apart over some things. It wasn’t healthy, and ultimately it wasn’t sustainable. What it made me realize though is that internally, I am berating myself on a constant basis, just as harshly as I was doing to him.

I judge myself for not being perfect, and when people get close enough to me, I push them away so they can’t see my true and imperfect self. I have been living this pattern my whole life, and that is why I have always felt like this outsider… because I have made myself one.

I woke up this morning to the news that a friend of mine had passed away. This friend had lived a challenging life, and struggled for a long time with an alcohol addiction. Despite his best attempts, I think he too, just always felt alone, like an outsider who didn’t belong anywhere. Hearing that news really shook me.

In processing all of this, I don’t know what exactly the right thing to do is. However, I know that I have to change. I know that I don’t want to be an outsider anymore. I want to be present with people. I want to not judge them and only see them as a certain category that I have put them in, I want to be open to the fact that they might surprise me if I let them. I want to find myself in a room of people I know and be able to smile at all the joy we’ve shared between us. I want to be an inviting and welcoming spirit who people seek out for insight and guidance. I am quirky, weird, and a bit out there, but I see now that doesn’t mean that I don’t belong. That means that I need to be my truest, weirdest self, and attract my quirky, out there tribe of people to me. I think my mistake has always been that in feeling like the outsider, I didn’t realize it was because my soul came here to create a new tribe with a new vibe. It’s not on me to seek out those people, but rather to be me to my fullest, without judging myself, and to know that those that are meant to be in my life will find me when I do just that.

So that’s what I’m working on. I think I’ve been working on that for awhile but now I really see it. I see that loving and accepting myself completely is my only real option for happiness in this life.

So, fair warning… if you thought I was weird before… you ain’t seen nothing yet. :p

Hug your loved ones close today. Be present with people. It’s been a rough few weeks of energy for a lot of us, and you never know what someone else is really going through unless you listen, share, and truly connect. The world needs more real connections right now more than ever.

With love and light,

Christine

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