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Posts Tagged ‘health

The mind is a fascinating place. It can create a world and a life that is heaven on earth, just as quickly as it can trap you in the depths of its mental despair. The differentiator? I’m not sure anyone is really sure. The value we place on our own sanity perhaps? The strength of our spirit to overcome the mind? Genetics? All of the above?

Coming from a family with deep mental health issues, I am no stranger to the dark side of the mind. I have a sister that lost her mind, I suspect, to due guilt and grief after she was involved in a tragic accident that resulted in the death of her best friend. As far as doctors can diagnose, they have labeled her as schizophrenic, but I’m not totally sold on that. My sister was incredibly smart, and sharp minded, and after the accident, she just seemed to check out of life. She couldn’t face her pain, and the guilt that she felt. Slowly, over the years, I believe those emotions have manifested as all kinds of mental ghosts in her mind that are always haunting her.

When you’re in the middle of it, and the terrible pain around you seems so real, how does one overcome those demons?

That is a question I have spent the past few years trying to find the answer to. My verdict? Love conquers all.

Throughout my life, I too have wrestled with my own emotional/mental health demons.

Three years ago I started doing stand up comedy. I was not great by any means, but my raw vulnerability had a way of connecting with the crowd that was I think just very real to people. It was exhilarating, and when I went on stage it was a rush like I had never felt before.

Somewhere around the end of my first year of doing stand up… I lost my ability to be vulnerable. I had gotten into a relationship, and slowly, I lost my confidence and started becoming very insecure about everything.

At the time, I knew something was going on. I knew I was losing myself, but I had no idea why or how to stop it. Sure enough, as the months went on, I subtlety became someone different. Someone that was not quite the Christine that I once was. I looked the same. To the unknowing person, I probably seemed the same, but to those who loved me… to the man I was in love with… I wasn’t the same person anymore… I was a slightly less version of the me that we both knew was possible. A slightly dimmed down version of my amazing self.

At a certain point I left the relationship, because I was so lost. What I knew, but couldn’t quite put into words, was that I wasn’t okay being me any more. I wasn’t comfortable opening up and being real with people. When this all started, it was about three months into my new relationship. Right about the time when one would typically start to open up on a deeper level. Except I had never shared my depths with anyone before. I had never even really looked deep at my depths myself. Perhaps because subconsciously, I knew the demons that lived there… and I was terrified of them.

Instead of facing those demons head on though… I retreated in fear. My best self, my mind, decided it would rather be less, than to have to share my shame with the person I loved the most. My mind, my emotions, told me that he couldn’t possibly love me if he knew the real me, and so without even realizing it… I submitted to those thoughts and locked my best self away for “safe keeping”.

My soul, on the other hand, was not content with this lesser version of me. My soul could not sleep, could not eat, could not function at the thought of living the rest of my life in this place of fear. My soul is what pushed me forward and compelled me to fight the walls of the mental prison which were keeping my beautiful self locked down.

If you have been following my blog for awhile, you might be familiar with some of the demons that I am speaking of. Alcohol abuse, sexual abuse, and one I haven’t quite figured out just yet, but that I’m working on, which is a highly repressed sexuality. The side effects of all of these equaled low self worth, low self esteem, depression, anxiety, insecurity, distorted thinking, grandiose fears, and overall inability to cope with life. Before I confronted and dealt with the sexual abuse, and my repressed sexuality, I was a ticking time bomb of mental anguish. I had successfully masked my pain with drugs and alcohol for most of my adult life, but when I got into a real relationship, and my true self was mirrored back to me (as real love tends to do) there was no hiding from it any more. My soul saw what my mind had been hiding. The broken pieces of me that I always tried to pretend weren’t really there were front and center for my soul to see. At first this was quite frightening. I was frozen a bit in fear.

The hardest part of all of this was that what little self love I had built up for myself throughout the years, was suddenly completely gone. I was so angry with myself. I hated who I was. I hated that I wasn’t strong enough to not let this situation get so out of control. I hated that I had seemingly lost not only myself, but also this person that I loved so much, the first person that ever worked his way into the true depths of my soul. As a perfectionist, the worst thing that could happen was happening. My imperfect self was ruining my chance at a happy life. These were the thoughts my mind convinced me were real.

Slowly, what my soul began to see was that this was my purpose in life. These were the traumas I was given to overcome. Slowly, I stopped being so afraid of these demons, and I began to go to work on myself.

Over the past two years, I have worked my way through the world of jilted emotions and false realities that my mind had created which swallowed up my best self. It was not pretty, it was not easy, it required professional help, a new level of spiritual understanding, and a lot of asking the Universe to please help me figure this thing out, and then learning how to listen and look for the signs that the divine universe was sending.

During the past few years, I knew my stand up wasn’t what it once was. I wasn’t trying. I didn’t have the energy to be funny when all I felt inside was dark. I didn’t put in the effort that it needed, and every time I went up I didn’t get the same rush that I once did.

However, last night I sat down and I started writing. I wrote a new five minutes on my messed up mind. As I was writing, I noticed that I wasn’t holding back. I wasn’t afraid to address the crazy, I was raw, I was real, I was vulnerable. I wasn’t afraid any more. I had conquered my fears, and was finally in a place so good that I could look back and laugh at my crazy fucked up thoughts, rather than cry about them. When I finished writing, I sat there in an overwhelming state of peace and gratefulness; much like Andy Dufrane… I felt like I had tunneled my way through 500 yards of shit, but came out clean on the other side.

I performed my new five at an open mic, and for the first time in a long time… I felt that incredible rush that I used to get. For the first time in a long time… I felt like my best self.

The mind is so incredibly powerful. Whether you believe you can, or you can’t, you are right. Fear is also very powerful. Stronger than fear though, is love. The hope for love is what kept me going the past few years. The knowing that I could never have love until I conquered my fears and faced my depths, is what pushed me forward every day. Because you see, the man that I was dating… I loved him more than I have ever loved any other soul. It was the pure love that I had for him that made me able to see my depths so clearly. Any time my mind tried to make me forget about working on myself, and tried to tell me how everyone else was the problem, not me; that man would come to my mind, my love, and I’d remember the truth, I’d remember my lost self. I’d dig deeper, and I’d continue forging forward through all of the pain. Love was the lighthouse that saved me during the storm.

Life is a constant balance between Love and Fear; heart and mind. There is no easy button to overcoming the pain and the trauma that we each have to go through, that is a battle we each have to figure out for ourselves. The mental strength that is required to do that though… is only found when decide to chose the heart over the mind. Love truly does conquer all.

My advice to anyone going through their pain, and hurt, and suffering right now?

Follow your heart. Find your love. Face your fears. Be your best self. Every. Single. Day.

No matter how long you have to fight for it, keep going. You are worth it.

Much love and light to you all,

– Christine

 

 

 

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Real talk: My legs are a bit unsteady since they are plated together, full of metal rods, and uneven. (Which if you want to read about you can do so here.) It’s fine, I can walk, I can do everything I want to do at this point in life, however, my legs for sure have an expiration date. Within 5-10 years I will need a hip replacement in both hips, those currently last for about 10 years… so I’m in no hurry to get those done. My one knee has also been bothering me a bit more lately. So with all of this, and just general getting older, I’ve been starting to feel these aches and pains a bit more than normal lately. Over the past few weeks, with moving, and everything going on, all of it has been a bit sore. I stopped playing volleyball because indoor is just too rough on me. I told myself I would just take it easy, but volleyball is my love… I do not know how to take it easy, nor do I want to, not for now at least. It’s okay, I will pick it back up with sand in the summer. Life will go on.

My point: I am grateful my legs even work and I am alive, but some days they are still a bit janky and it can be painful to do things… like walk or move a lot.

At least that’s how I used to feel, until I got my new special shoes, KLOMPEN!!!

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These amazing shoes came from my friend Rachel, who got them in the Netherlands where this type in particular is used by gardeners and farmers, while working outside. Slowly the wooden insole forms to your foot and is recommended by orthopedics. Which, would explain why when I put them on, my step is pain free!

I am so excited, I have been coming home from work each day, putting on the klompen and been klomping all over my house. I sound like a horse trotting through the house, I can’t even lie. It has been amazing for my legs though!

Anyways, that’s my excitement for the day, my legs don’t hurt when I wear my special klompen shoes, if your legs hurt, maybe you should give them a try! 🙂

Sincerely,

– Christine, Klompen Fanatic

Today marks day 99 of my sobriety mission, so I thought I would take a minute to reflect on the journey so far. When I started this mission, I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to accomplish. In my mind I set a goal of 90 days and decided I would re-evaluate things at that point. So here we are just over 90 days, and so much has changed in my life.

First and foremost, I bought a house. Granted I had been building towards this goal for most of 2016, but I still think that being sober really helped me push myself these past few months to be able to achieve all that I really had to do with this house. Including saving every last cent, because houses ain’t cheap! So the money savings has definitely been very beneficial, but the time and energy savings has been crucial to my adulting success as well.

I think the biggest benefit to not drinking though has been that I am never hung over. My weekend mornings are filled with projects and productivity instead of sleeping until noon, and then stuffing my face with bad food because I have no will power not to. Which brings me to another added benefit, I don’t find myself dying to eat anything and everything when I come home from a night out, which has been great for my waistline! Not to mention I just physically feel a lot better. Drinking is just poisoning your body, and keeping my body toxin free for 99 days has left me feeling pretty good.

Another benefit to not drinking? I remember everything! I remember new people who I meet when I am out. I remember every conversations that I have when I am out. I remember everything that everyone else who is drinking does or says, so I can remind them about it later when I know they aren’t going to remember what their drunk self actually said. Not that I was blacking out left and right before, but my nights always ended on a bit of a fuzzy note. It’s a good feeling going home knowing what happened, and knowing I won’t wake up in the morning full of regret for the choices that drunk me made the night before.

That brings me to another point, I have less regret! Being able to maintain my self control all night long leads to much less regret over my words and actions the next day. I definitely don’t miss the feeling of waking up and dreading looking at my phone for fear of what drunk me decided to text out into the world the night before.

Maintaining my self control to not drink in the first place has not been without challenge. There have been plenty of nights over the past 99 days where I have wanted to have a drink. Drinking “takes the edge off”, sort of. It is an easy way for us check out of reality for a little while. Spend 99 days in reality, and trust me, you will be quite eager for a break from it. That is life though. Life is hard, it is challenging, it is a struggle!! Everyday I make it through that struggle without needing to take a break though… makes me feel stronger and more capable of handling whatever challenges life has to throw my way.

To be honest, not drinking has mostly opened my eyes to the fact that as a society we have a major drinking problem. I don’t want to criticize everyone who drinks, however, if you are having more than 2 drinks every time you go out, I wonder if you have ever stopped to question why. What benefits is drinking bringing to your life? I know its the social thing to do, it makes you feel a little more loose, maybe it even makes you feel like you are having more fun than what you really are when you are out. At the end of it all though when you have had one too many and you start acting a bit foolish, what good are you really doing for yourself at that point?

I really don’t want to come off sounding judgmental of those who want to drink, but after making this journey myself, I can’t help but to want it for everyone else around me. I will admit, as much as I have wanted to drink, deep down I really haven’t because I know I will just be bringing out a lesser version of myself. As someone who is very into raising my consciousness and expanding my mind into higher levels of life… doing anything which brings myself down a few notches mentally is pretty counter intuitive to my overall goals for life. I have figured out how I achieve more in life, and I can’t help but want that for everyone else.

Also, it wasn’t until I wasn’t drinking that I realized how much alcohol is promoted in our world. As someone who believes that higher powers are continuously trying to suppress the masses, it has been very eye opening to realize how big of a role alcohol actually plays in keeping people locked into the lower levels of consciousness. Especially in St. Louis, home of Anheuser Busch, you are hard pressed to go more than a block or two anywhere in the city without seeing some kind of subliminal message to drink alcohol. We are being programmed to always drink. Anything the powers that be are trying to program me to do… are exactly the things I’m keen on staying away from these days. Just some food for thought.

Bottom line: I am 99 days sober, and I feel fantastic. Yes, life has been admittedly a bit harder, however, it’s so true, no pain, no gain! Discovering that facing life struggles head on, and sober, is the best way to level up in life… has been a wonderful and very welcome reward in my life. I can’t wait to see where this journey takes me.

Much love to you all!

– Christine

levelup

 

 

 

Check out Part One: The What… for the first part of this little talk.

Part Two: The Why…

I wished the surgery stories ended there, but there are a few more WTF details that I’d be amiss if I didn’t share.

Over my winter break my freshman year of college, I did a dumb thing guys. I decided that going snow skiing would be a good idea. My parents told me not to, and that it was a terrible idea… but I was invincible, and I wasn’t about to listen. Sure enough, at the end of the day of skiing, I was going down the hill, the snow was getting icy, I started going way too fast. I got to the bottom of the hill and shot out far into some snow that hadn’t been skied on all day. As I tried to curve back around to the lift, I hit a bump, snap, pop, and I was down. I remember trying to move my leg, and when I did, the top part moved… but the bottom part didn’t. Memories of my wonkity hip, and the plate, and all my former surgeries flooded my mind as I wondered if they would ever be able to piece me back together again. It was not pretty, and it involved surgery with doctors totally unfamiliar with my leg history, as I was skiing about three hours away from my home, but they got me put back together and my right femur is now a full metal rod. She works great though, and looking at me now you’d never guess I have nearly as much metal in my legs as I do. The leg surgeries end there though, thankfully.

What about that rare never before seen tumor though? Yeah, let’s go back to that for a minute. At the age of 26 I was working as an IT recruiter. One day I called a woman who lived outside of the state, as she had applied for a job I was working on. As I was talking to this woman, I started digging into why she wanted to move to St. Louis. She began to tell me she was moving back because several of her family members were diagnosed with pancreatic  cancer, and she had already lost two family members to the same thing. She went on to tell me how she had done a bunch of research into the issue and had determined that it was because they had all grown up next to Coldwater Creek in North County, St. Louis. She continued to tell me how the pancreatic cancer rates in North County were astronomically higher than anywhere else in St. Louis, and how she believed that it was all linked to the recent stories that had broke on the contamination in Coldwater Creek. I knew what she was referring to as it had just recently been in the news that it was discovered that there were Uranium waste disposal sites from the 1940’s located in St. Louis which had potentially leaked into the local ground water in North County through Coldwater Creek. It had not been noted in the news though about the increased cancer cluster rates. As this woman was talking to me I began to realize something. As soon as we got off the phone, I looked up the address of the house that I was born in, which was in North County. When I did… I saw that my childhood house was located two blocks away from Coldwater Creek.

I sat there stunned. Suddenly the bigger picture of life began to really set in. I have no doubt in my mind my never before seen pancreatic tumor that developed on my ovary is in some way linked to me living next to Coldwater Creek during the beginning years of my life. I was exposed to something which gave me a death sentence at a very early age in life… but God stepped in and worked his magic to divinely save my life. From my deep seated love of volleyball, all the way through each one of my surgeries, down to the miraculously messed up screw… it all happened for a reason.

I cannot describe how incredibly blessed, humble, and grateful that makes me feel, every day of my life.

As if that wasn’t enough though… A year ago I obtained my old medical records from my doctors. After reviewing them, I decided to google the very long medical name for my tumor. Google produced me back one article. Despite knowing that I was the first known instance of this tumor, I was still not prepared to click on this article and read about myself. However, that is exactly what happened. It described three known instances of this tumor being found. The first was a 17 year old female (that’s me!) in 2004, and then two others had been diagnosed with the same thing, one in 2009, and one in 2010. It referenced my oopharectomy (which is what you call an ovary removal by the way) and that I had gone on to lead a healthy life. The second person, from 2009, suffered complications of continued tumor growth, and did not survive. The third patient also had continued tumor growth and did not survive. I was the only survivor of this specific type of growth. Again, I sat in front of my computer absolutely stunned.. this time for quite a few hours.

A few weeks ago, I went to a Psychic who specializes in Numerology. When she calculated my life path as a one,  she quickly apologized as she let me know that ones always have very hard lives, and most don’t live long lives. Women with a life path of one in particular frequently suffer from issues with the reproductive organs. She told me about a grand baby she had, and as soon as she was born, she knew she wasn’t going to live long. She had the curse of the ones, and sure enough her grand baby died at age 5 from cancer.

As she told me this, she looked at me very curiously though, and she said, “You’re lucky though, aren’t you?”

“Yes,… Yes, I am beyond lucky indeed.”

“There’s a reason for that,” she said, “there’s a plan for you, I don’t know quite what, but you will figure it out, the universe will make sure of that.”

“I know it will.”

And I do. I know that my life was saved by divine intervention for a specific reason. There is no doubt in my mind about that, and my whole life I have always felt a drive to find that reason and that purpose. I haven’t come upon the full reason yet in life, but I am not worried, I know the Universe is working everyday to get me ready for what I am ultimately here to do.

So I don’t fully know my why as of yet… but I will be sure to keep you all posted as my journey progresses. I do know it is not a coincidence that I am a writer. My journey through life was absolutely meant to be shared, and it is my hope that my words will always serve to inspire those who read them.

Today’s inspiration?

As cliche as it may sound, I cannot stress it enough, everything happens for a reason. Every perceived set back, is simply the Universe conspiring to get you where you truly need to be. Please understand and believe that. Trust in the divine guidance that is working everyday to create greatness in this world. Do not worry, do not waste energy being upset. Roll with the punches, and you will quickly see, what is meant for you will always be. What passes you by, was never in your best interest. The more people realize this and begin to truly trust in the flow of the universe, the less worry and stress we will all begin to see.

I hope my journey helps show just how true that message really is.

Trust. It will all work out as it is meant to be.

Much love all,

– Christine

go-with-the-flow

Part 1: The What…

At the age of 14 I broke my foot playing volleyball. The doctors put me in a walking boot that I stayed in for about 6 months. When I got out of the boot, it left me with a very slight limp, but I was a kid, and I didn’t know better so I figured it was just because my foot still wasn’t totally healed. Slowly my limp got slightly more and more painful though. Until one night when I was at a high school homecoming dance and the Cupid Shuffle came on. Anyone familiar with that song, may be aware of a move in the song called The Charlie Brown, where you jump forward on one leg, and backwards on the other leg. Well that night during the Charlie Brown I jumped forward on my gimpy leg, and all I remember is collapsing to the ground with an intense pain in my hip when I did, and I was in too much pain to walk again that night.

The next day my dad help me limp into my chiropractors office where we had them take X-Rays… it didn’t take long for them to let us know that something was very wrong. A couple more doctors and X-rays later, my dad and I were informed that my femur had actually slipped up the ball in my hip. They said it was a combination of genetics and possibly the six month stint in the walking boot that had set the whole thing off. Where it had shifted to though, wasn’t somewhere that they could just move it back to its original place, as that would end up damaging too many nerves. So they let us know they were going to go in and put a screw in through the femur into the ball… so my leg wouldn’t fall off. I have to admit when they first told us this, my dad and I couldn’t help but laugh, mostly so I wouldn’t cry, but also at the thought of my leg just haphazardly falling off one day, lol. Looking back I’m so thankful I had my dad’s sense of humor to get me through those bad news moments. My leg was falling off though, and every movement was making it worse, so they scheduled me for immediate surgery… that was the first time I got screwed (literally, screw in my leg, lol).

Surgery went well, however, it wasn’t very long after I was out that I realized the new found placement of my femur, was quite a problem. The doctors weren’t sure how it would end up, but when all was said and done, my right leg stuck out to the side all wonkity like. So another surgery was scheduled. This time they were going to go in and cut my femur mid way, and turn it. So even though my hip was all wonkity, my femur, knee, and the rest of my leg was straight. Back to being a normal kid again… or so I thought.

As all of this happened across my teenage growing years, the doctors quickly picked up on another problem I was going to face. They had cut into the growth plate in my right leg with the original surgery, which had stopped my right leg from growing. My left leg however, had continued to grow. So at 16 and a half they concluded that my growth spurts were over. If I stood on my left leg I was 6’2″, if I stood on my right leg, I was 6′. Another surgery was scheduled. This time they were going to go into my left leg to cut two inches out of my femur and then plate it back together.

A day after I got out of surgery that time, I was up and moving around, when I noticed what seemed to be a popping sound coming from my left leg. It didn’t hurt, but it just didn’t feel right. My doctors took X-rays to see what was going on. Turns out, one of the screws they had put in place was sticking out wrong. The doctors were baffled as to how this could have happened, but regardless this meant the surgery was going to have to be redone. So a few days after that surgery, they went in and did it again.

At this point, I had been in the hospital for over a week, mostly on bed rest, and I had undergone two major surgeries. It wasn’t long after my second surgery that things started to go very wrong. First I developed a fever. They thought maybe I had gotten an infection somewhere. They did all kinds of tests, but there was no infection to be found. My conditioned continued to get worse, and I started getting very sick. I was never told this at the time, but doctors at one point told my parents that my kidneys were shutting down, and that they had about 24 hours to figure out what was wrong before I could potentially go past the point of no return. Looking back, I don’t know how my parents continued to keep such a brave face for me throughout the whole ordeal. I had no idea how close I was to death’s door.

Luckily, within a few hours, an MRI scan of the lower half of my body came back, and doctors finally realized what was going on. It was not an infection. The scan showed a large mass in my abdomen. It was a tumor, a very big one, the weight of which was crushing the blood flow to my kidneys and shutting them down because I had been on bed rest for such a prolonged period of time. The short term fix was simple, they had me roll on my side so it wasn’t crushing the blood flow any more. It worked, my kidneys started working again… I wasn’t going to die. The long term fix wasn’t as clear, but we knew it included another surgery.

After two surgeries and a sickness that left me close to death’s door though, I wasn’t exactly in any kind of shape to be operated on again so soon. In the mean time, I spent a week recovering, gaining my strength, and getting pumped full of cancer medicines. They didn’t know anything about my tumor, but the mass was quite large, so they started me on all kinds of medications. These medications dulled my taste buds, so everything I ate tasted like ash in my mouth, so I quickly lost my appetite. However, they needed me to eat to get better, so one day, unbeknownst to me and my parents, they also slipped in the THC pill with my meds. I ordered everything on the menu that night. I was quite disappointed when it all got there and everything still tasted like ash, but still I ate a lot regardless. Medical grade munchies are no joke.

Finally it was time for the surgery. It went well. The doctors had removed a 10lb tumor along with my left ovary, as the tumor was growing in my ovary. They tested all sites around the tumor and the ovary and it appeared that the mass was entirely contained though. Aside from waking up with the worst gas pains in my life from air that had gotten trapped during surgery, I was fine. Mostly, I was just excited to be off the ash medications and taste food again.

Now for whatever reason, in my mind, it never quite occurred to me that the tumor could be malignant, I just assumed it was benign… because well, it had to be. It wasn’t until a day after my surgery when my best friend was visiting me, and she asked if the tumor was benign, and I started to say yes, when I realized that no one had actually said that to me yet. I remember both of my parents exchanging a glance in that moment, and breaking in with the news… it wasn’t benign, it was malignant.

It was quite weird realizing that I did in fact have cancer, but that the surgery, and the removal of the tumor and my ovary had hopefully removed it. The doctors were still running tests to be sure, but it appeared that I was quite possibly the luckiest cancer patient there ever was.

A few days later we learned an even more unusual fact. My tumor was a type of pancreatic cancer that had grown on my ovary. My pancreas was fine. The doctors told us this phenomenon had never been seen before, and with my consent, they wanted to send it off to several medical universities for study. My name would never be referenced with it, but it was weird to know that I was now in some medical books theoretically.

I had gone in for the original shortening procedure at the beginning of my Christmas school break, and after spending Christmas, and New Years Eve in the hospital, coupled with three surgeries, and one rare tumor anomaly later… I got to go home three days before my 18th birthday. I had lost 22 lbs in the hospital. I still remember pictures from that birthday. My face was gaunt, I was skin and bones, and my skin seemed almost translucent, but my smile was big and bright as I was more alive than ever.

Now, I didn’t mention this, but in high school volleyball was my life. I played club volleyball, on top of high school ball, I attended Mizzou summer volleyball camps starting in 8th grade, and played rec leagues any chance I could. I had no doubt in my mind I would get a volleyball scholarship for college, and of course I had dreams to go pro. When everything happened with my legs, it left me absolutely devastated that my volleyball career was effectively over. Nothing else mattered in my life, and for the first two years while I was going through surgeries, not much really took away the sting of that blow. I didn’t really admit it to many people, but I felt a lot of resentment and anger that I would never get the chance to live up to my full volleyball potential.

However, it did not take long after the discovery of my tumor that I began to realize that the surgeries I so greatly resented… had in fact just saved my life. Fate took me on a journey with every one of those surgeries to get me to the last one… which is where God stepped in and miraculously pushed that screw out of place… even the doctors were baffled at how it could have happened. Looking back though, its all very clear to me. A stroke of fate, a long journey, and a miracle from God himself resulted in the amazing gift that was my life. I didn’t have any resentment or anger again after that.

Later that year I went off to college, a normal, healthy, and very grateful young woman.

life-is-a-gift

Check out Part Two: The Why…. to find out the incredible story I discovered later in life as to why all of this happened…

– Christine

 

I know I’m getting pretty behind on my daily writing, however, I’ve been stuck in this weird limbo feeling for the past two weeks as I’ve been waiting to hear back on a situation. I don’t want to talk about it until I know it’s really happening, so because I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve basically not been wanting to really talk about anything. That’s a pretty lame excuse for not writing though, so really I just need to stop letting myself get dissuaded by excuses.

As I have mentioned, I am currently taking classes in Kabbalah which help me better understand the mind and the ego. It’s been extremely transformative for me in terms of understanding my own responsibility in all of my reactions to things in life.

More than that, Kabbalah has taught me a deeper understanding for the universe and the fundamental explanation of why we are in the energetic climate that we are currently experiencing, and what I can do personally in order to better humanity.

Check out this week’s post from Kabbalah Student, Billy Phillips. The video at the end absolutely blew my mind, because I not only understood and believed it to be true, but I felt it was true in my soul. The purpose of all of creation and how we achieve utopia and peace on earth is explained in the video. Which to think that we are in the moment in time where this information is now being disseminated to the masses and a global awakening IS in fact happening… is mind blowingly awesome.

The energy of the world right now is slowly shifting towards realization that we are all one, and what we do to another, we do to ourselves. As we become aware of this, it is my belief that we will rapidly see our world shift towards a place centered in love and peace. Love for all our fellow man kind, just as we love ourselves. Those in positions of power who have been driven by greed and corruption for so long will even be converted to love. The power structure currently in place IS coming down. Trust in that, and know that incredible, amazing, things are starting to happen in our world. We are alive during the conscious awakening of the world, and if we focus on our own awakening and learning during this time we will reap incredible benefits and rewards almost immediately within our lives.

Such an incredible time to be alive.

Sit on that information for a minute and then think about what you are doing to discover and unleash your own gifts to the world right now. Is your path rooted in love? Love of self, and love for your fellow man? That is what your aim should be. To live in love, by following the pull of your heart. Heart centered living. This is the only path forward to true happiness in life.

Not sure how you do this? Start by tuning into your heart. Meditate. Quiet your mind. Tune into your heart. This is the starting point for anyone who is ready to start living the best life they can possibly lead. When you quiet your mind and listen, your heart will guide you to the answers that you need.

If you are in the St. Louis area, and would like to learn how to better focus and meditate, I highly recommend checking out this group, SahajaYoga Meditation, they have a great explanation of meditation, followed by a guided meditation. If you regularly attend their classes (which are free!!) they are very helpful in starting one’s journey with meditation.

If you are in another location, you can check out the main website for Sahaja Yoga Meditation to locate groups worldwide. Classes are free everywhere, as the founder of SahajaYoga, Shri Mataji Nirmala Devi says, “Truth cannot be sold, it cannot be purchased”, it is just to be experienced and enjoyed.

Enjoy the truth my friends. Connect with your inner divinity, and live from your heart.

God bless,

– Christine

 

That’s right!! TURNS OUT, I’VE BEEN DUPED!! Conned by the ass man, into unnecessary ass surgery!! The outrage!!!! DISREGARD all my previous hemorrhoid advice, and listen up to this…

This past Sunday I was over at my grandparents house having lunch when the topic of my recent hemorrhoid debacle came up. After listening to my whole tale, my grandpa tells me how he has had problems with hemorrhoids throughout life, and even had a surgeon tell him once that he needed to have surgery as well. However, my grandpa, being the smart man that he is, decided to check around for other options, and when he did, his relatives pointed him in the direction of just getting some prescription strength cortisone in order to clear it up. So he got some of the cream, and sure enough the hemorrhoid cleared itself up in a few weeks.

As he was telling me this, slowly, I start to realize the whole plot of how my doctor had conned me into signing off on surgery without ever questioning if there was a different option. You see from the minute I first called his office and told his staff what was going on, they started preparing me for the fact that surgery was MOST LIKELY the only thing they could do. Which, to be honest, after much researching on the internet, I had already pretty much came to that conclusion myself, which is why I was even calling them to begin with, but I was hoping that wasn’t the case. They even told me they could do surgery the day of my initial appointment, all I needed to do was bring someone with me to drive me home. They made it soooo easy.

Mind you, at this point, I’ve been in rather unbearable pain for about a month. The idea of having surgery didn’t scare me at all if it meant that I would be able to sit comfortably again. Plus, I have had so many surgeries in my life, that it’s not something I really think twice about, I was their perfect ponzy!!

So then when I got to the doctor’s office for the initial visit, he examined me, and stated what he saw, but he was very vague on what to do. Which now, looking back, I know is because he couldn’t out right say that I needed surgery, I had to say I wanted surgery. Which I did, after he vaguely alluded to that being my only option to get rid of the problem. HOWEVER, had I known that cortisone cream would shrink the thing up and make it go away within a few weeks, I GLADLY WOULD HAVE DONE THAT OVER THE OPTION OF SPENDING $1,000 DOLLARS TO HAVE MY BUTT CUT OPEN.

Is it my fault for not asking more questions? Absolutely. However, the ass man did everything he could short of telling me I needed to have surgery, to get me in the mindset that this surgery was my only option for relief. That is what pisses me off the most about the whole thing, is that this doctor knows what he is doing. He has set up his practice in order to lead all of his patients to the conclusion that surgery is their only option, without ever actually saying that.

After realizing all of this Sunday, I was quite enraged. Both at myself and the doctor. So at my follow up appointment this week, I couldn’t contain myself from calling out his whole charade to his face. Which I did so in fairly respectful manner, I mean I didn’t outright call him a con artist like I wanted to, and I did admit that I knew it was my own fault for not asking more questions. However, I wasn’t about to sit there and not let him know I saw right through his whole vague doctor charade. So I confronted him and told him I felt like his whole staff had basically put the idea in my head that surgery was my only option from the minute I called them, and that I felt that his vagueness about the repercussions of the surgery all pointed to the fact that he was clearly on a mission to get people to think that surgery was their only and best option because that is how he can make the most money. Which as soon as I said that he busted out more vague theatrics, and even pulled out a few diagrams to try to distract me with. I stayed straight faced as he continued to pull out 2-3 different visuals trying to make himself seem like he wasn’t a money grubber. As he finished, his visual charade parade, I told him none of it really matters, he already got my money, it is what it is. Then I told him to prescribe me some prescription cortisone with 6 refills on it because I never wanted to have to come back to his office again… and he did.

Coincidentally, I recently learned that one of the lessons I need to learn in life is to respect money. THIS whole situation was a very clear representation of that lesson, because had I cared more about the money that it was going to cost to have surgery, then the more likely I would have been to of asked about alternative options.

WELP, LESSON LEARNED. IN THE VERY HARD, SPLIT YOU UP THE ASS, KIND OF WAY.

Stay vigilant kids, and question everything!!!!!

– Christine