StLSass

Posts Tagged ‘love

Advice

I heard some thing last week that has helped me find the strength that I have needed to find in order to move forward in several areas of my life that have been stagnant lately. It is so simple, and also something I knew, but there is a difference between knowing something and being told some thing is in fact right by a teacher or outside person. Hearing this from a third party was the added confirmation that I needed to take this advice to heart.

The pearl of wisdom I received…

“If you ever feel that there is something that you uncontrollably HAVE to do, or just HAVE to say to someone… that is your sign that you should not say or do that thing.”

I know full well when I shouldn’t contact an ex, or have one more drink, or whatever, HOWEVER, so many times that little voice creeps in my head to convince me of just exactly why I not only should do said thing, but that I HAVE to do it. I’m really great at convincing myself to do things that I previously told myself I would not do because doing said things is actually very unhealthy for me. My ego’s go to convincing argument almost always includes the words, “because you just have to!”, in the most life will be in dire straits if you don’t do it kind of way.

You know what though? I don’t HAVE to do anything. Life will go on, things will progress exactly as they were meant to, and I don’t HAVE to DO anything to make it otherwise.

Over the past week, I have caught myself saying the HAVE TO phrase to myself more times than I care to admit. It has been extremely eye opening AND rewarding forcing myself to look really hard at why I am really trying to convince myself to do something. Any time I get so deep that I am telling myself it’s because I just have to, I’m really grasping for straws at that point as to why I can allow myself to do something that clearly goes against my own greater good.

Humans are funny creatures like that. Our ego’s have a way of convincing us, in the moment, to do things that really only serve the ego, and serve the purpose of holding us back from our true potential. The more we pause, and restrict, the less we live from our naturally reactive state of chaos.

Anyways, that was a great piece of advice that I have implemented this past week, which has already helped me really cut through all the crap I try to tell myself at times, and stick with the higher road for my own good. I hope it can help some of you as well!

Peace and Love,

– Christine

 

 

I say a lot of things, particularly in regards to my dating life and what I would and would not accept in a man, however, I thought it might be time to set the record straight.

There is one thing that a man must have in order for me to fall for him, and that is the ability to make me laugh. If you can take anything I say to you and turn it back to me with a witty remark and an indignant look that elicits a laugh out of me, I probably already have a crush on you.

In addition to laughter, I also need a man with intelligence. The kind that can back me up with sound logic when my reasoning of “because it’s Gemini season” doesn’t satisfy whomever I may be explaining life to at any given moment, lol. I deal in the realm of the ether… because of that I appreciate men who are in the know on a lot of things and are there to back me up with knowledge, whether they understand my crazy logic or not.

Which brings me to another important quality: patience. I need a man that understands the importance of patience in getting to know someone and start a relationship. Someone that is willing to take their time and develop a friendship first and see where that goes. It takes a long time for me to open up to someone and for them to really know who I truly am. I have a lot of scars that I like to pretend aren’t there, and so only when I know someone truly isn’t going somewhere do I begin to open about these things. 

Lastly, I want a man that can talk to me, tell me what he is feeling, and be open enough to listen to me talk about my feelings and figure out what I’m feeling as I say it. I work things out as I speak, so I can’t have someone that takes everything I say literally. I need a man who will help me work out my thoughts, question me as I talk, and make me think about what it is that I am really trying to say.

These are the things that I want. Nothing else really matters. You would think the combo of all of these things wouldn’t be so hard to find, but it has been. I guess because I’m not always looking either. I have faith the universe will put the right man in my path when I am ready and life will make it all happen.

So cheers to the Universe for making it happen.

Happy Monday!

– Christine

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Okay, time to get real honest and gritty about myself with you guys. (Yes, more honest than yesterday even.) I have been becoming very self-aware lately and I have a confession … I’ve never openly admitted this to anyone, not even my therapist. I can feel the fear welling up in my throat as I type … Oh well, here goes: I’ve cheated on every person I’ve ever had a relationship with.

Even the ones I considered to be really good relationships.

At some point, typically when a conflict was not addressed, I’d find myself being drawn to people outside the relationship, I’d start checking out of my current love and into a fantasy, and eventually the relationship would deteriorate and I would cheat. I used to blame it on the fact that I always dated terrible men or tell myself that if I had an urge to cheat, it just meant the relationship was never going to work out anyways.

However, when I cheated in my last relationship, which was with an incredible man, I was beyond upset with myself. I had even taken precautions to cut all ties with people who I knew I’d be most likely to be drawn to and took note to quickly end any thoughts of other people as soon as they entered my mind. Yet still, one night during a rough patch, I let myself get sucked into someone and I let it go too far. Despite my best efforts, and the fact that I was dating a wonderful man, I still cheated. When this happened I was devastated, and I felt as though I was simply living proof of the old adage: “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

After spending the past few months in self-reflection mode, I now know that my cheating was actually manifested by the fact that I have a severe fear of intimacy. Which is the fear of rejection combined with the fear of abandonment on steroids basically. I am so afraid of being close to someone and it not working out or of them abandoning me that I self-sabotage my relationships in many ways. But eventually, particularly if there are problems in the bedroom, I cheat. (Spoiler alert: since I have a fear of intimacy, there are always problems in the bedroom, eventually).

As I was reading about the fear of intimacy, I read how victims of sexual abuse were more likely to act out sexually in relationships when the fear would surface, specifically by cheating. I was a victim of sexual abuse as a child. As painful as it was to read that, after thinking it over, it gave me my first sense of hope about the matter. That’s when I realized it wasn’t that I was once a cheater, always a cheater… this was just another side effect of childhood trauma, which I simply needed to unlearn. That’s slightly better… right? Right!

I am also realizing that because I was sexually abused at a young age, I discovered the power of sex before the power of love. And then, I never really developed the patience for true love. So as I was going through relationships in my life, when I would start to feel like I was falling in love, I would develop an impatience and move very quickly with people, particularly in the bedroom, because impatience was my defense against having to actually open up and be vulnerable.

Since I never got that to that true deep love level with anyone, due to my impatience, I learned to master the level that I was at. The level of intimacy fueled by sex. The level that is afraid of real intimacy. I mastered the art of what so many people today think is love, sex without true vulnerability. I have been accepting that level of “love” as true love my entire life. It wasn’t until I finally realized how much patience is required for true love that I discovered that I have never really experienced REAL love. That was a tough realization to swallow, but also possibly the biggest break through I’ve had thus far in trying to understand myself and love.

I say all of this because I know I am not alone. In today’s culture, many people have mastered the power of sex without vulnerability, maybe because many people also have a deep-rooted fear of truly being intimate with someone or maybe because of some other fear that has manifested in their life. To quote Beyoncé in Lemonade: “When did true love become illusive? No one I know has it.” That statement is so true. So many people think they have love, but they are only scratching the surface of what true love is.

True love itself is scary at first. It shines a light on our own darkness and faults and in order to truly master love, you must first love yourself, ugly parts and all. That is where a lot of people are going wrong, I believe. They aren’t fully acknowledging all of their own darkness because they are so afraid of facing those things and taking responsibility for their own actions. That’s the hard part of true love, but it is ultimately the best and most important part of life. Until we illuminate those issues and work to correct them, we aren’t truly living as our greatest selves, and we certainly aren’t capable of truly loving another.

So I guess this is me, facing my ugliness. I have a fear of intimacy and a propensity to act out sexually in relationships when I choose to give in to that fear. Now that I understand that about myself, I am hoping that in my next relationship, I will finally be able to overcome my fear, let myself be truly vulnerable with another person and possibly finally find true love in my life. I hope to finally disprove the “Once a cheater, always a cheater” theory, because I am in fact not a saying or cliché. I’m a real human being who has the ability to learn, grow and be better.

Cheers to being better.

– Christine

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P.S. This post originally appeared on Hobotrashcan.com on 5/26/16, because sometimes it takes a year of loving yourself before you are ready to truly share your truth. And sometimes you are lucky enough to be offered a way to anonymously write out what you are really feeling. I will forever be grateful to Hobotrashcan.com creator Joel Murphy for that opportunity.

Does anyone really know you? Like, all of you? Every dark secret and hidden truth that has made you who you are. Have you ever admitted all of those things to another person? Have you ever really admitted all of those things to yourself?

Until about 3 years ago, no one really knew me. Not my closest friends, not my family, hell, I barely even knew myself.

You see I had spent the better half of my life, lying to myself. Telling myself that I was okay, when in fact I was far from okay.

That’s just what I knew though. I knew I had to be okay, I had to be strong, I had to be perfect.

After years of keeping up my charade of perfection and lies, even to myself, I finally broke down.

It was a summer night, and I had just spent the evening with all of my closest girlfriends. Most of whom were now married, either with children, or with them on the way. In fact my best friend was pregnant at the time. After spending the evening with my girls, and celebrating everyone’s accomplishment, I went home, alone, to my small apartment.

As I walked into my apartment that night, I closed the door behind me, and then I just crumpled into a ball on the floor and started bawling my eyes out.

Everyone was so happy… but me.

I had so much happiness in my heart for all of my friends, but all it seemed to do was remind me of how unhappy I was with myself.

I sat there and cried for over an hour. I let my pain flow from deep within me, and I cried a river that night… a river of pain straight from my soul.

What I realized in that hour, was that I was upset because no one knew what I had really been though in my life. No one understood me, because I had never been able to be honest with the people in my life. I was too ashamed.

When I finally was able to pick myself up that night, I grabbed my notebook, and started writing. I started writing about how upset I was. I was upset because of what had happened to me in my life, and how I felt that it was my duty to keep my past a secret. Only, I didn’t want to keep this secret anymore. I didn’t want to be unhappy anymore.

Three weeks and one therapy session later, I told my two best friends my truth.

I was sexually abused as a child. I felt responsible for what happened, and therefore resolved to never tell anyone in my life about it. What I went through was confusing, lasted many years, and left me with a very distorted sense of self worth. I never believed that I deserved anything good in life after it. How could I? I was no longer perfect. I was tainted.

What happened when I told my two girlfriends my story, was very unexpected for me. For the first time in my life, I felt free. I felt loved for who I truly am, and I felt relieved.

That was the beginning of my new life. That was the beginning of my journey towards really loving myself.

It has not been totally easy. I had to tell my parents what happened to me. I have slowly told other close friends. And finally there came a time where I had to confront my abuser, and tell him that what happened between us was no longer a secret I was willing to keep. I lost people I was very close to in life because of that.

What happened as I owned my truth though, was that I finally learned to love myself. What happened to me, no longer defined me. I was no longer a victim… I was a survivor.

Slowly, talking about my past has gone from being something that brings me great pain, to something that I can do openly, without tears, without shame, and without guilt. My past no longer dictates my ability to be happy. I owned my past, so that it could stop owning me.

My advice to anyone out there struggling with their own truth, with their own secret past… Talk to someone. Anyone. Do not let your secret destroy you from the inside out, because it will. Don’t let your past steal moments of happiness from your future, you deserve better. The truth can, and will, set you free… so talk to someone, it will be okay.

Much love to you all,

– Christine

BeFree

Today marks day 99 of my sobriety mission, so I thought I would take a minute to reflect on the journey so far. When I started this mission, I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to accomplish. In my mind I set a goal of 90 days and decided I would re-evaluate things at that point. So here we are just over 90 days, and so much has changed in my life.

First and foremost, I bought a house. Granted I had been building towards this goal for most of 2016, but I still think that being sober really helped me push myself these past few months to be able to achieve all that I really had to do with this house. Including saving every last cent, because houses ain’t cheap! So the money savings has definitely been very beneficial, but the time and energy savings has been crucial to my adulting success as well.

I think the biggest benefit to not drinking though has been that I am never hung over. My weekend mornings are filled with projects and productivity instead of sleeping until noon, and then stuffing my face with bad food because I have no will power not to. Which brings me to another added benefit, I don’t find myself dying to eat anything and everything when I come home from a night out, which has been great for my waistline! Not to mention I just physically feel a lot better. Drinking is just poisoning your body, and keeping my body toxin free for 99 days has left me feeling pretty good.

Another benefit to not drinking? I remember everything! I remember new people who I meet when I am out. I remember every conversations that I have when I am out. I remember everything that everyone else who is drinking does or says, so I can remind them about it later when I know they aren’t going to remember what their drunk self actually said. Not that I was blacking out left and right before, but my nights always ended on a bit of a fuzzy note. It’s a good feeling going home knowing what happened, and knowing I won’t wake up in the morning full of regret for the choices that drunk me made the night before.

That brings me to another point, I have less regret! Being able to maintain my self control all night long leads to much less regret over my words and actions the next day. I definitely don’t miss the feeling of waking up and dreading looking at my phone for fear of what drunk me decided to text out into the world the night before.

Maintaining my self control to not drink in the first place has not been without challenge. There have been plenty of nights over the past 99 days where I have wanted to have a drink. Drinking “takes the edge off”, sort of. It is an easy way for us check out of reality for a little while. Spend 99 days in reality, and trust me, you will be quite eager for a break from it. That is life though. Life is hard, it is challenging, it is a struggle!! Everyday I make it through that struggle without needing to take a break though… makes me feel stronger and more capable of handling whatever challenges life has to throw my way.

To be honest, not drinking has mostly opened my eyes to the fact that as a society we have a major drinking problem. I don’t want to criticize everyone who drinks, however, if you are having more than 2 drinks every time you go out, I wonder if you have ever stopped to question why. What benefits is drinking bringing to your life? I know its the social thing to do, it makes you feel a little more loose, maybe it even makes you feel like you are having more fun than what you really are when you are out. At the end of it all though when you have had one too many and you start acting a bit foolish, what good are you really doing for yourself at that point?

I really don’t want to come off sounding judgmental of those who want to drink, but after making this journey myself, I can’t help but to want it for everyone else around me. I will admit, as much as I have wanted to drink, deep down I really haven’t because I know I will just be bringing out a lesser version of myself. As someone who is very into raising my consciousness and expanding my mind into higher levels of life… doing anything which brings myself down a few notches mentally is pretty counter intuitive to my overall goals for life. I have figured out how I achieve more in life, and I can’t help but want that for everyone else.

Also, it wasn’t until I wasn’t drinking that I realized how much alcohol is promoted in our world. As someone who believes that higher powers are continuously trying to suppress the masses, it has been very eye opening to realize how big of a role alcohol actually plays in keeping people locked into the lower levels of consciousness. Especially in St. Louis, home of Anheuser Busch, you are hard pressed to go more than a block or two anywhere in the city without seeing some kind of subliminal message to drink alcohol. We are being programmed to always drink. Anything the powers that be are trying to program me to do… are exactly the things I’m keen on staying away from these days. Just some food for thought.

Bottom line: I am 99 days sober, and I feel fantastic. Yes, life has been admittedly a bit harder, however, it’s so true, no pain, no gain! Discovering that facing life struggles head on, and sober, is the best way to level up in life… has been a wonderful and very welcome reward in my life. I can’t wait to see where this journey takes me.

Much love to you all!

– Christine

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Within all of my spiritual avenues that I have pursued lately, one thing that has shown to be a constant across all religions and spiritual practices, is the practice of tithing. Tithing is the act of giving 10% (or more, but not less), of your earnings either to the church, to a charity, or to some other person who is in need. The principle of tithing is that whatever you give away, will come back to you in ways that are much greater than money.

My mother, a devout Christian, has tithed all of my life. She has always given 10% and trusted that God would provide for us in moments when maybe that extra 10% would have come in handy for her. I have seen first hand, how her belief and faith in God to provide for our family, has continuously blessed our family in moments where we didn’t know how we would make it through.

In my Kabbalah classes, they touched upon the importance of tithing. They emphasized that 10% is the minimum level that one should contribute in order to see and receive the intangible effects that tithing inevitably brings. They noted that 10% can be hard at first, so working your way up to that amount slowly is fine, just know that 10% is really where spirit can start to work through you, and in turn where you will receive the most blessings back into your life. They also mention that giving of one’s time in community services is just as important. As a note on tithing, they teach that tithing removes any blockages that may block the flow of blessings into our lives. By detaching ourselves from the physical world, and money, and giving of it freely, we allow ourselves to be more of an open channel by which blessings can easily flow and also be received.

Growing up in a very strict Christian church, I will admit, I always felt as though when the pastor would preach on tithing and anything related to money really, that the church was a bit money hungry. It is actually one of the major things that turned me off from church. However, as I have explored my spirituality in other areas, the subject of tithing is a constant in all spiritual avenues, and after really digging into it in my Kabbalah class, I understood it much better from a perspective of how it benefits my life (vs. just the church).

At a woman’s night at my friend’s church the other night the speaker, Nicole Crank, said something which finally put tithing into perspective for me in a way where I just got it. Which was that our donation/money offering is buying us the things that cannot be bought. The thought of parting with 10% of my income is much more tolerable when I know that I am certain what I am really doing is investing that 10% into miracles and blessings.

Not only that, but seeing my money go to someone in need… that is a joy all on its own. Helping other people feels good. You just have to shift out of the mind set that it is your money. Sure, it is your money in one sense, but really it is not. All of our money comes from God and Spirit and us utilizing our innate gifts and talents to make a living. What we make, we shouldn’t see as ours, but as a gift from God. How we contribute those gifts back to the world dictates the blessings we continue to see in our lives.

Today is the new Moon in Aries, which brings focus to new beginnings and eliminating old negative thought patterns. My intention for this new moon is to start giving back more, of both my time and money. I have gotten to a place where I know that giving what I have will bless me back, and so I have no fear in parting ways with my time or money in the name of blessing others. I know it will bless me, others, and ultimately the consciousness of the world, and I am excited and grateful to see where this journey takes me.

Much love and light to you all!

– Christine

I haven’t posted in a week or so because I’ve been busy getting moved into my new house! I am finally all in though and I’m just so overwhelmed with gratitude. 

I’m so grateful for my amazing realtor, Jennifer Dietz, who was there for me every stressful step of getting to close on this house. Jen went above and beyond, and because she is so good, I was able to not stress nearly as much as I would have been if I wasn’t 100% confident that my realtor was absolutely on the ball. If you are looking to buy or sell in the St. Louis area, Jen D Realty is the place to go!

I’m grateful for my friends, who showed up at my house the night I closed with some NA bubbly and all the pep I needed to pump me up after a stressful few days trying to close. 

I’m so grateful to my mom and my sister who came over on St. Patrick’s Day, which is also my moms birthday, and not only brought some great food, a table and chair set, but also buckets of cleaning supplies and some elbow grease to help me give the house a good scrub down. After I got all moved in, I was starving and I went to my fridge and almost cried because I just felt so lucky to have a mom and a sister so sweet to make sure I had plenty of food to eat for my first week. 

I’m grateful to my step mom for all of her love and support over the past few months, as well as her infinite wealth of knowledge and books for all my pressing questions on life. She also graciously gifted me with some sage to cleanse the new house of spirits and bad vibes!

Last, but certainly not least, my dad. I am so incredibly grateful for everything this man has done for me throughout my life, but to know at 31 I can still ask my dad for anything and he will make it happen, is such a blessing. Had he not opened his door for me to come live at home (without paying a scent!), I never would have been able to make my home buying dream come true. Without his guidance and dad wisdom while house shopping, I wouldn’t have been able to be so confident in the house that I found. Without his humor and problem solving I wouldn’t have been able to navigate my closing as well. My dad also parted with his large collection of tools, as he wanted me to have them at my house, because well, I’m gonna need them, lol. Not to mention he gifted me with a new washer and a de-humidifier for the house as well. Dad, you truly are the best dad I could have ever asked for, and I am so grateful to be your daughter. 

Without all of these people and their love and support over the past year of this journey I would not be at this place. I would not have my home. So to you all, and to all those that helped along the way… thank you. I can’t say enough, I love you all so much, and I am so so grateful to you.

I am finally home!!


With love and gratitude,

– Christine