Archive for the ‘Words from the heart’ Category

I never got senior pictures when I was in high school. With everything going on with my legs and cancer, I was never quite in a glorified state that I wanted to memorialize during my youth. My mother did take a lot of pictures of our family though. Like, too many pictures, she was the mom who had to make sure she got a picture of everyone hanging out, with the cake, and of course soon as anyone went to take their first bite of food. I can see how my draw to taking a lot of selfies somehow comes from my moms picture taking culture meets girl who never had professional pictures taken and always wanted them. That’s me, that is how I have longingly felt about having professional pictures taken of me for around 14 years now.

Even as an adult I have always envied professionals with any kind of professional photo. I also somehow kept missing professional picture day at all the places I’ve worked at. It was just never my time. However, this past weekend when I was invited to a brainstorming/head shot photo taking meet up, I decided this was the day, it was finally time. Between my blog, comedy/story telling, and all the side gigs I am creating, having a selfie as my most professional photo just wasn’t cutting it any more. So I scheduled a blow out, and cleared my morning.

The Meetup was at the photographer’s, Becky,  house which is where she has her studio, BSE Photography. Kirsten Caywood, owner of Mirror Image Lifestyle Fitness, had pulled us all together for an uplifting morning of brainstorming and picture taking. We had so much fun listening to each other’s ideas and exchanging tips, it was very serendipitous that we had the group of women that we did. đź’—

After sharing our ideas, Becky led us down to her amazing studio, complete with beautiful dresses, props, and more. We kept the laughter and good vibes flowing from upstairs and what resulted from this wonderful morning, was Becky capturing my whole essence in one picture. If I had to imagine myself, it would be just like this, my eyes twinkling with the laughter that is about to come roaring out of me.  That’s probably my favorite look in my eye, of all my looks in the eyes.

Becky sent me over the photos last night and it made me so incredibly happy inside to see them. I had to take a minute, and just sit in gratitude for the journey that has led me to this place. I was also suddenly overcome with joy that I had saved having my professional picture taking up until this point, because the woman in this picture is not only gorgeous, but she is 100% in love with everything about life. Being that that has not always been the case for me, made the moment and her picture that much more special to me.

My heart is so full. Thank you Becky for capturing such a special moment. đź’—

Have a beautiful weekend all!

– Christine


It took less than a week on Christian Mingle for me to be reminded of why I get so easily frustrated with “Christians”. Let me be clear, I believe in Jesus, I believe in God, I believe in the Holy Spirit, and I also believe in astrology, numerology, Kabbalah, and really anything else that has the potential to bring me to a higher understanding of life. I believe that there is universal truth and wisdom to be found in all religions, and that it is only through our ability as people to set aside our perceived differences, approach one another with respect, and to truly listen with open minds that we will be able to achieve a true understanding of the unknown and see peace and harmony in our world.

Certain Christians, however, would rather focus on how JESUS IS THE ONLY WAY THE TRUTH AND THE LIFE, AND IF YOU BELIEVE ANYTHING ELSE YOU WILL BE SENT TO HELL TO ROT FOR ALL OF ETERNITY! I do not believe that all Christians are so condemning in their beliefs, but having been raised by in a devout Christian family, who do hold this theory to be so finitely true, this is the group of Christians I will be referring to throughout the rest of this post.

My main problem with this type of belief is it’s straight forward hypocrisy that is completely lost on its believers. Theses Christians talk about how loving and wonderful, and forgiving God is, but then in the same breath will condemn the gays, Muslims, and Jews, because the Bible says to. For these Christians, their religion has become an excuse for them to persecute and condemn others who don’t fit in with their accepted beliefs. You cannot say you are all about love and unity and yet harbor fear and hate in your heart for those who do not believe in the same things as you.

Interestingly enough, in my introductory study of Kabbalah I learned that this self righteous attitude of Christians is actually part of their destiny. For without this attitude, they would never have been so adamant and strong willed in spreading the word of God, and Jesus’ message of saving grace. This pushy, strong willed, holier than thou attitude WAS necessary in our history in order to spread God’s love and light as much as it has. HOWEVER, the ultimate downfall of the Christians, which we are now seeing, is that eventually that self-righteous behavior turns them into a machine that then starts violating others freedoms and liberties in the name of Christ. Which is what is happening today, and which is not okay.

Self-Righteous, arrogant, hard headed, and fear mongering Christians are now crossing into the territory where they themselves need saving. They need to be reeled in, and to understand that opposing views are not the enemy but rather are the key to higher understanding and enlightenment. We cannot grow, evolve, and move towards unity on earth until everyone understands this. Our opponents are in our lives in order to challenge us and help us seek the light in situations that may appear wholly dark. Like a light bulb, you must have friction, you must have resistance, in order to create light. You must be challenged by another in order to open your mind, meet in the middle, and achieve the higher understanding that exists when you bring out the truth in both of your points of view.

So to the man on Christian Mingle who read my profile which states that I love God, I believe that Jesus died for our sins to save us, AND that I believe in the higher enlightenment of Kabbalah, astrology, and any thing else that will challenge my mind, and who took that as an opportunity to condemn me and let me know that my beliefs will earn me a “guilty” sentence in the after life which leads me straight to hell…. to you sir, I send you nothing but light and love. I pray that your heart be opened and that you may see how your narrow minded views are that of a world which is coming to an end. For I know that God is love, and when I open my heart to contain nothing but love and light for all, that is where I find the most peace, joy, and understanding in life.

I will not shame you. I will not condemn you. Those are fear tactics, and I only have room for love in my life. Even in my opposing view of these radicalized Christians, I do not think them to be bad people. Rather I see them as people who are in need. They are in need of someone to come into their life with whom they can tolerate a spark of resistance from, someone who can show them the higher power that lies within challenging their stead fast beliefs, because if we are not continuously learning and growing, we are not seeking the light; and if we are not seeking the light, then we are only serving our own self righteous agendas.

These Christians, in my opinion, have stopped seeking the light. They have stopped seeking a higher understanding as they have become all too reliant upon the highly misinterpreted and misconstrued messages of the Bible. As I said, in Kabbalah, it is outlined how this was an inevitable position for followers of the Bible to end up at. In Kabbalah, there is a text called The Zohar, and what the Zohar teaches is that there are in depth and enlightened lessons that can be interpreted from stories of the Bible. The Zohar actually says anyone who interprets the Bible literally is very dangerous, as this was never meant to be the case. In my studies, I have to concur that the deranged messaging in some of the Bible’s lessons are in fact extremely dangerous when interpreted literally. The Zohar, however, interprets the lessons of the Bible and applies them to our ego, our mind, and our journey towards enlightenment. It provides a path that above all has brought me greater understanding of myself, and has also opened my heart. To say this is evil or blasphemy is pretty much laughable to me, because it has brought more light into my life than Christianity ever has.

Personally, I am a seeker of truth above all. I believe what I believe because I FEEL it to be true, and I then seek out information that will help to corroborate my feelings. So for me, when any person uses their religion as a self righteous shield to condemn all others with opposing views, I see a person who clearly has lost sight of the light that is within us all.

Love. Unity. Oneness. These things can only be achieved when we look at our opponents and chose to see the light within them rather than to condemn them for their darkness. The world IS shifting towards this mindset, towards this heart centered living. I guess I just find it ironic that the people responsible for originally bringing this message of salvation to the world, are now the same people who seemingly need to be saved from themselves. It’s ironic, but also a beautiful display of the divinity of our universe. There is a balance to it all, and no one is above anyone else.

Bottom line: We are all one. The sooner we can all realize this, the sooner we can all work together towards revealing the unique light within each of us, which will bring about an even greater truth and understanding of life than we currently have in our divided state, and that will ultimately bring about true harmony and peace on earth.

May you all remember to look for and focus on the light in all that you do.

God bless,

– Christine

the light

    2016 has been what I would refer to as a transitional year for me, and while it has taken me awhile to accept it, it was exactly what I needed in my life. The year started on a rather low note, as I was in a state of heartbreak and despair after ending a relationship with someone whom I loved very deeply. It was unlike other breakups I have been through where there was a clear reason why it didn’t work out. No, this break up was amicable, and at the same time it was so gut-wrenchingly painful because I knew, and he knew, it wasn’t that we didn’t care about it each other, it was actually quite the opposite. We both cared so much for each other, yet, despite all that love, we couldn’t for the life of us figure out how to make one another happy. During our time together I had slowly turned into someone who even I hated, and I was so frustrated because I had no idea how or what had caused that transition within myself, but I knew it was toxic, and at a certain point, I knew I had to walk away to save myself from myself. I gave up on the greatest love I’ve ever experienced because I couldn’t handle it. I was devastated.

      So after I spent most of the month of January either curled up in a ball crying my eyes out or out drinking away my sorrows, I topped it off by turning 30. 30 and Single. Every woman’s nightmare according to society. I combated my depression that night by throwing myself a kick ass roller skating party, because if there is one thing that always cheers me up it’s the opportunity to be the hostess with the mostess and any occasion where I can appropriately wear my purple go-go dress is just a bonus. To further commemorate 30, I also went to Mardi Gras in New Orleans a few weeks later with a few girlfriends. More heavy drinking, just what my depressed self needed. Mardi Gras was fun, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of utter emptiness while I was there. In fact, being in a sea of other lost souls drinking their hearts out, only made me more hyper aware of the fact that I was self-medicating with alcohol pretty intensely and pretty regularly, I knew this was a problem, but I wasn’t ready to face it yet. 

    By the time March rolled around I found myself in the most depressed state that I think I have ever been in. I was drinking every night, I had stopped eating, aside from drunken 3AM donut binging, and I was being reckless in all aspects of my life. I hated myself. I was giving up on life, and what’s scarier, is that I knew I was giving up and I was okay with that. I was ready to leave this world and all my pain behind. Meanwhile, very few people in my life knew anything about this. It is not within my personality to ask for help when I need it, instead I generally opt to suffer in silence for fear of being seen as weak. Instead I turned to alcohol to cope, which only served to fuel my downward spiral, and push me further towards the edge. 

    Luckily, God intervened and sent a few angels to help guide me back to the light. One day after a particularly hard day my Little Sister’s mom (from Big Brother Big Sisters) called me. When I answered she told me that I had just been on her mind and that she wanted to call and me to tell me she loved me and that she was praying for me. I broke down in tears on the phone with her right then and there. I let her know I had been struggling and that I certainly needed her prayers, that day and every day. We talked for a while, and then she prayed for me on the phone. It wasn’t until I broke down that day on the phone with her, that I realized that I couldn’t and didn’t need to go through all of this alone. That was my turning point.

    I stopped going out, I stopped drinking, and I just let myself rest and recharge. I had worn my body down quite a bit by that point. I was the heaviest I had ever been, and I was constantly battling digestive issues because my body couldn’t handle all the abuse I had put it through. That’s when God decided to intervene again. This time it was through an old work colleague. She reached out to me to invite me to a seminar on healthy living that she was speaking at. I agreed, went, and when I did, my mind was blown away by the information presented. The seminar was on Juice Plus+, a whole food nutrition capsule that contained fruits, vegetables, and berries, and had been shown to help people with all kinds of chronic illness symptoms, digestive issues, sugar cravings, skin diseases, the list went on and on. They had me at sugar cravings, as resisting a bag of donuts had become almost impossible for me at that point, so I thought, why not, let’s give this a whirl. What happened next, blew my mind. Within seven days my cravings for crappy food were completely gone. The thought of fast food disgusted me, and not even donuts seemed enjoyable anymore. On top of that, I had so much energy. I started riding my bike again, and spending my evenings in the park enjoying the beauty of nature. Something I had never realized before is the incredible healing power of plants, both inside your body, and outside in your surroundings. Life begets life. That was such a powerful realization to put together, and one I am so thankful to have learned. As March came to an end, I was slowly starting to see the light through the dark. 

     In early April I met someone who encouraged me to find out my Meyer’s Briggs personality type. I had heard of it, and even taken the test for a job at one point, but I had never put much thought or research into my personality type further than that. What stuck out to me though, was that this person, who wanted to date me, knew that his personality was best matched with a set personality type, and so hence, him wanting me to take the test. What I learned is that I am an ENFJ, which was exactly his type, as he was an INFP, however, in no way shape or form was I actually trying to date at that point so I thanked him for his insight and went on about my life. I was intrigued by his system though, and even more intrigued by the Extroverted/Introverted match of our personality combo. I had always thought the idea of opposites attracting each other was something that was not for me. However, the more I researched the Introverted personality (as I simply thought that meant a shy person until that point), the more I realized that my ex was indeed an introvert and that’s why the attraction between us was so strong. What I was slowly realizing as well was that an introverted person takes a long time to really to get to know and understand, and that dating them requires a lot of patience. Whaaaattt???? PATIENCE?????? Omg, I have never had patience, never aspired to have patience, and actually thought my lack of patience was kind of an endearing quality about me. No. Turns out, it is actually the reason why I had never been in love, because up until my last relationship, I had been scaring away any introverts that may have been into me, because I have no patience to get to know them!! I operate at two speeds, zero or one hundred, either you are with me or against me, in or out, we are either getting married or I’m onto the next… and here I was, 30 and alone, and just now realizing it was all because I have no patience. The only reason my ex had managed to get so far with me is because we knew each other for months before we started dating. He knew me pretty well before he actually made a move, a luxury no other introvert had yet been awarded in my life. This realization was life changing. I wasn’t 30 and alone because I was unlovable. I was alone because I don’t have patience. I could handle that. I could work with that. 

     Over the next few weeks I continued to surround myself with smart women, who I happily shared my revelation with. I was so excited about it. As I continued to think about this and speak with other women about this, I slowly realized that my impatience was a defense mechanism that I developed, because my true problem was that I have a deep rooted fear of intimacy. Opening myself up and being vulnerable, is something I just didn’t do. As I researched more about the fear of intimacy, I read about how victims of childhood sexual abuse are infinitely more likely to have this fear, and to a pretty significant degree. As I read that line one night, I broke down and started bawling uncontrollably. Over the past 4 years I have slowly been facing the truth about an inappropriate sexual relationship that I had with a relative as a child. I had been seeing a therapist for it, I had slowly started telling close friends and family members about it, so that I could step out of the shame of it. However, what I had not yet realized was the long lasting, far reaching problems that this had created in all aspects of how I handle relationships. As I read that line, I realized the full weight of the pain which that event had truly caused in my life. I cried harder and deeper than I have ever cried before. My life’s pain of always feeling alone came out that night, and I finally realized that it wasn’t my fault. That night was dark, but the next day the sun was shining brighter than it ever had before in my life as I finally felt the peace that comes with understanding.  

    As summer approached, I was in a pretty good place. I was losing weight, spending ample amount of time in nature, and focusing on figuring out myself. I started to hone in on a lot of my flaws. I notice how controlling and manipulative I can be within my life. I noticed how secretive I can be with my true feelings and emotions. I noticed how I felt more comfortable telling strangers every nitty gritty detail of my life, but when it came to close friends and family I tended to censor myself for fear of being judged. I became very aware of many of my self-sabotaging and negative patterns that I subconsciously do that hold me back from true happiness in life. 2016 is the year that I finally became aware of myself as a human being that operates on one level, and an innately divine being of God, that operates from a higher level. 

    I started taking a class taught by a spiritual life coach that I had been to once before. The class was over the book, A Course in Miracles. What the book is supposed to help you do is to shift your mindset so that you can truly live in the present moment, without judging life based on your past experiences, but rather taking it for what it is, in the clear and present moment. It is a true mental shift, which is supposed to leave you in a state where you are constantly operating from your God self, vs. your human self. It’s not easy. It takes practice every day, and every moment, but I am slowly seeing myself operating more from that space. That space is pure love by the way. Pure love for everyone in your life, and most importantly, for yourself. 

    Self-love is where I have been lacking the most this year. I’ve had my ups and downs with myself over the years, but this year, as I slowly realized more and more faults and issues that I need to deal with, it became harder and harder for me to love myself. As the summer wore on, I found my drinking was starting to pick up again. Partially because I was traveling a lot, and attending a lot of social drinking events, but the deeper I dug into myself about it I realized it was mostly because I was truly struggling to love myself. 

    When I look back at my last relationship, and all of the realizations I have made about myself from it, that I had no patience, I had a fear of intimacy and inability to be vulnerable and communicate, I can also see very clearly that at one point, I stopped loving myself. I put my worth into someone else’s hands, and when I did, I slowly turned into someone I didn’t like. I was highly codependent. I cringe when I think back on it now. 

    Over the past few weeks I have been really working on my forgiving myself for the whole thing. While I can see so clearly now where things went wrong, what I must remind myself is that it was not all my fault, really no break up is ever one sided with fault. I simply didn’t know what I didn’t know, and I would have never known what I know now, had I not gone through the darkness of the past few months. I can sit and tell myself all kinds of things, but at the end of the day it comes back to my ability to learn and grow from my mistakes, and my ability to love and forgive myself, as that is what life is all about. 

    That is why I am writing all of this today. I know what I have been through this year, but writing it all out… has me realizing that I have been learning a lot more than what I give myself credit for. It has been a hard transitional year, but one that I would not trade for the world. At times it has been easy to focus on the negative, but when I look back on this year as a whole, and I see just how much I have learned and grown… I can’t help but to see the wonderful soul inside of me that guided me through all this darkness and fought my way back to the light, and I cannot help but to love her. She saved me. She is me. I am the light. 

   The day I ended my last relationship, I found this quote that I posted on Instagram:
“As I stand here in a puddle of tears, I give thanks, for without pain, I would not grow. – J. iron word
   Always give thanks for your pain, for it is through the darkness that you will find your way back to the light. 
Sending love, light, & happiness to you all, always,
Christine ❤ 




I have been attempting to write a meaningful and impactful blog for approximately 3 months now. I have started and abandoned at least 20 different posts during that time, because nothing I wrote could quite capture the essence of everything that I wanted to say. Mostly because I wasn’t quite certain exactly what it was I was trying to say. You see, I have this vision in my head of how the world is supposed to operate, how society is supposed to function, and how we as people achieve true happiness in life. However, every blog I have started so far has inevitably ended up sounding like I am just bitching at the world about everything that everyone is doing wrong, which is not particularly the direction that my soul wanted to go towards in order to make an impact on the world.

So tonight I am simply going to share my own story and my vision in the hopes that it strikes a chord with people and encourages people to examine their daily beliefs and actions, and evaluate what they can do within their own lives, to achieve that magical happiness that everyone is so desperately seeking in this world right now.

Two years ago, at the age of 26, I found myself in my first adult job, struggling to keep my head above water from all the stress in my life, when I let my emotions get out of control, and I decided to give up on life. I walked into my boss’ office and told her I simply couldn’t do it anymore, and that I sincerely appreciated the opportunity, but I had nothing left in me to continue on. I had already lined up a position with my former employer – a great company that I had worked at for 3 years until I decided that it was time for me to pursue a more challenging career, because I was bored there. Now here I was, failing at the new challenge that I had sought out, fleeing back to the safety of a job that I knew would bring me no internal satisfaction, because hey, at least it was easy…

I left my big girl job that day feeling more defeated and miserable than I had ever felt before in my life. I went home to my apartment and sat on my living room chair in silence, not moving for hours, just screaming at myself in my head trying to figure out just what the hell I was doing. I knew giving up was the wrong decision. I knew that taking the easier option was not going to make me happy. I knew all of this, and after the initial paralyzing fog wore off… I knew I had to fix my mistake.

I called my boss the next morning and told her I had made a huge mistake, and if there was anything that I could possibly do to correct that mistake – I would do it. She agreed to meet me that afternoon and talk. After talking with her that afternoon it became very clear that I was struggling with a number of things in my life, which coupled with the stress from work, had just become too much for me to handle. What my boss was able to show me that day was that this didn’t mean that I wasn’t cut out for my position, it just meant that I needed some help and some guidance on how to better understand not only myself, but life in general. My boss offered me a deal –  I could have my job back if I agreed to start seeing a counselor – someone to help me deal with all of the issues in my life that were clearly limiting my ability to live a happy life. I agreed, I got my job back, and I set up my first session with a counselor.

That is the moment where my life change began.

I have been seeing my counselor for 2 years now, and I have transformed from that girl who was depressed and struggling to make it day to day – to a strong and confident woman who sees no challenge as something too big to overcome. I have to say, it is one of the best feelings in the world knowing that there is nothing in this world that cannot be achieved when you put your mind to it.

Previously, I would let my emotions run rampant and create perceptions that I accepted as reality, which then influenced me to make decisions based on things that weren’t even true. Everyone goes through things in their life that shape their perception of reality. What I learned is that we have to overcome those false ideas and always focus on the facts. Look at what you know to be true, and forget everything else. Assumptions, made up facts, and flat out lies – are easy to see through when you really focus on achieving the truth in every situation.

Once I focused on finding the truth in my life, I found that I had been lying to myself about a lot of things for a long time. As a natural born people pleaser, I always wanted to appear as though everything was great. This behavior led to me never acknowledging things that were in fact not great and not ok in my life. I had unresolved issues going all the way back to my early childhood. There were decisions that I made as a child that I knew were wrong, but I couldn’t see the harm that they were causing, so I lied to myself and convinced myself that it wasn’t wrong and that it wasn’t hurting anyone so it really didn’t matter.

Looking back I can see that those choices and situations that I let myself be a part of… shaped everything about the person who I grew up to be. My issues created a lack of self esteem, a lack of confidence, and a misguided perception of what I deserved in life. I didn’t believe I deserved good things, so I never pushed myself to do better or to make better choices.  I spent my life subconsciously sabotaging myself. With the help of my counselor, I finally confronted those decisions that I had spent a lifetime pretending I didn’t make. I finally dealt with the pain that it had caused me and admitted to myself that it was in fact a big deal, and it did matter. Then after I admitted them to myself, I told my close friends as well. I knew it wasn’t anything that would impact their perception of me, but I had never told anyone these things so until that moment, I never really knew if anyone would ever truly accept the real me.

My friends not only accepted me, but they gave me the support and feedback that I needed in order to know that I was doing the right thing, and that I had nothing to be ashamed of. My shame, my burden, and my guilt all almost completely faded away in that one day. I think of that as the day that my long time depression finally lifted, and I finally felt free to truly be happy.

Coincidentally, that happened right before I went on vacation to Florida for 8 days of R&R on the beach. I spent that vacation in the most serene and relaxed state that I have ever experienced. My mind was clear, my conscious was clear, and I was more relaxed and unburdened than I had ever been.

I came home from that vacation more enthused and ecstatic about life than ever before. I found myself pursuing goals and passions that I had thought about previously, but never had the motivation to go for. I  joined an improv class, I started meditating, I joined a writer’s group, and maybe most importantly… I found God.

After a lifetime growing up with my religious to a fault mother, 14 years of private school, and countless summers spent at vacation bible school – I found God at the age of 28 while I was meditating on top of a hill in Forest Park.  After focusing my mind, finding my mental happy place of calm and relaxation, I opened my eyes… and I just saw God. I suddenly felt his presence in everything around me, I saw his face in the clouds above me, I saw his connection with all of the living things around me, and simply put: I felt the power of God as the Master and Creator of Life. In that one moment everything I had ever known or heard about God the Almighty, God the Great, and God the Omnipotent Power – I suddenly knew it all to be true. I not only knew it all to be true, but I immediately felt a connection to this Greater Energy force, and in that moment, I knew that all the power that I saw around me… was also within me. That moment of realization is hands down the single best moment of my life so far. That is the moment that I realized that there was nothing in this life that I could not conquer.

… That experience is something I may never have achieved if just two years earlier I had let myself give up, taken the easy way out, and never admitted that maybe I needed some help to figure out my life.

Don’t ever be afraid to seek out help. The greatest minds of our time had plenty of help figuring life out. Every person can use a fresh perspective at times to help you see things a little bit different. Perhaps even a little bit clearer.

We live in a time where the easy button is a real thing, and it is incredibly easy to set your life to auto pilot, and just sail through life without ever actually living.

Which is why more than anything else in this world, we HAVE to push ourselves to face the hard truths and do the hard work in order to find our TRUE happiness.

Don’t let life pass you by on easy street.

Find your truth in life. No matter how hard it is to face at first, I promise it will be one of the best things you ever do for yourself.

I adopted my cat Boo in August of 2006 from Safe Harbor Cat Sanctuary in Jackson, MO. My roommate at the time had actually picked out Boo, a long haired black cat, and I had picked out Bear, a short haired black cat, and when we saw we had both picked out black cats we had to get both. True to her name though, Boo was definitely a scaredy cat. When we got her home she hid under a bed and wouldn’t come out for the first few days. So I laid by the bed every night, coaxing her to come out, slowly earning her trust, and the next thing I knew, Boo had become a solid fixture on my bed every day when I got home. She was officially my cat.

Being as though Boo was a scaredy cat, there was one thing she was always good for – whenever Boo was around I could be sure that there was no intruder’s hiding in my room somewhere, and I became less afraid of anything that went bump in the night in general – if Boo wasn’t hiding, there must not be anything there.

Boo was a beautiful cat. She had long black fur, which she cleaned religiously, so she was always super soft. She slept at the foot of my bed for the first year, the second year I had her she made her way up to the middle of the bed where she would sleep on my body pillow, and by the third year I had her she found her permanent spot on the pillow next to me. She has slept by my side for 8 years,  saw me through my numerous heart breaks, was there to celebrate my little triumph’s in life, and she even survived a dozen or so moves with me.

Then a few weeks ago Boo started spending more and more time laying on my TV stand.  At first I assumed it was because it was hot in my room and the glass kept her cool. Slowly though I began to notice that Boo was spending almost all of her time laying on the glass. As I was petting her one night recently, I noticed I could feel her hip bones, and it felt like she had lost a lot of weight. So I took her to the vet the next day… and unfortunately it was not good news. The vet found a large mass in Boo’s abdomen, and based on X-rays she concluded that it was most likely a tumor. I could opt for surgery to remove the tumor, which may not be successful and would not be easy on Boo. They could do an ultrasound and a biopsy and start Boo on radiation treatments. Or I could choose to put Boo to sleep. Seeing as though Boo was already losing her will to eat and drink, I felt as though the first two options were just going to be delaying the inevitable, and rather than to watch her suffer through treatments, I knew the best thing to do for her was to put her to sleep.

So tonight I held Boo in my arms as she took her last breaths, and her beautiful soul left this world.

That was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I just couldn’t get over the feeling that It was not her time, and this was not supposed to happen.

A month and a half before this I took Boo to the vet because my roommate’s cat had bit her tail, and it had become infected. She was perfectly healthy up until that point. The vet gave my cat the antibiotic shot, Convenia, as well as a pain medicine. She was also given the rabies vaccine, since it had been so long since I had taken her to the vet – they suggested I update her vaccine… so I did. After Boo got home from the vet she proceeded to throw up most of what she ate for 4-5 days. That is when I looked up the antibiotic shot that they gave her and found out a whole list of side effects of the shot that the vet had neglected to tell me about. Nausea, Diarrhea, Seizures, Anemia, and DEATH. Yes, Death was listed as a ‘Side Effect’. What the hell?? WHY is this even an option?? Who is going to risk their animal’s life for the convenience of not having to give it a pill for 2 weeks?? On top of all that, the antibiotic stays in the pet’s system for 2 months, so if your animal has an adverse reaction such as nausea or vomiting, it will have that reaction for 2 months!  WHY was I not told about any of this??

When I brought this alarming fact up to my vet, she claimed that she has never had a problem with the Convenia shot and she uses it all of the time.

So what am I to believe? I’m just left with so many questions and what ifs to answer? What if I hadn’t allowed the vet to give her the shot, and requested pills instead. Or what if I had opted out of the pain pill (because as the vet later told me, the pain medicine could have inflamed the organs and set off the rapid growth of an otherwise small cyst). Or was it the vaccine injection that overloaded her system and caused this tumor to grow? Was any of that that even related to why she grew this tumor; or was she just predisposed to this? The sad and unfortunate ending here is that I do not know exactly what developed in my cat’s system that caused her to grow a tumor, and I won’t ever know.

What I learned from all of this was an all to valuable lesson about being extremely cautious about the medicines that a vet recommends, and how important it is to have them go over every side effect and possible reaction a medicine can have. You can never be to careful when you are dealing with a life.

I have always held tight to the belief that everything happens for a reason. However, no words or actions can change what happened, or the fact that tonight the pillow next to me is empty,… and that my heart is breaking.

So for tonight… I remember you Boo… and I say Goodbye.