StLSass

Posts Tagged ‘spirituality

We all have issues and fears in our lives that stem from the events of our childhood. That is the condition of life. Unlearning the unknown fears of our pasts in order to stop the cycle of pain that they keep us in. That is true growth in life. I have talked openly before about having a fear of intimacy, which is a combination of the fear of abandonment and the fear of rejection. This deep seeded fear in my life stems from the events of my childhood.

My parents divorced when I was five years old, and my fears of abandonment, I believe, stem from the events surrounding my parents divorce. While both of my parents went above and beyond to be the best parents that they could be, nothing they could have done could stop the fact that I subconsciously felt abandoned by them in some way.

My fear of rejection stems from the sexual abuse that I went through, where I was constantly subjected to an abuser who rejected me publicly, but preyed on me privately. That not only created a constant feeling of being of rejected, but it also created a deep rooted feeling of worthlessness within me that, to this day, I find very hard to shake off at times.

While I have acknowledged these issues, their complications, and how they have shaped my life, I realized yesterday that I still have a lot of pain from these things that I have not yet fully embraced. You see, we are beings that are wired to run from painful situations, and to adapt in ways that keep us from ever really feeling our pain. However, those adaptions eventually start to manifest specific lessons in our life which are meant to bring us to the point where we can finally admit that the adapted version of ourselves, is not as great as the true version of ourselves, and bring us to the place where we are ready and willing to face the pain of our pasts once and for all. Another great gift of life, we are continuously being given opportunities to improve to be our best selves. HOWEVER, many times those lessons require truly diving into and FEELING our deep seeded childhood pains, and only through this process can we emerge from our cocoons to be the bright butterflies that we are.

In figuring myself out lately, I have noticed that I very much have anger and control issues. It was in trying to figure out the anger side that I brought myself to the point of realization that it was perhaps fueled by childhood pain. After continuing to think it through, it became increasingly obvious to me that I still have a lot of pain that has yet to be physically felt and released. So yesterday I sat, and for a minute I concentrated on that pit in the bottom of my stomach that comes up when I begin to think about certain parts of my childhood, the painful parts. I focused on that pain, and as it became heavier and heavier, I started to cry. Not just a weeping cry, no, as I continued to forge into the pain of my soul, I started bawling a river of tears. It was painful. Gut wrenchingly painful.

I thought about my parents and how mad I was at them for “abandoning” our family. I have never really acknowledged it to myself, but last night in my pain, I found myself so incredibly angry and in sort of this child like “Why would you do this to me??” fit of rage and pain. I continued to cry, and breathe, and sit in the pain for as long as my easily distracted mind could handle. When I started to get side tracked with other thoughts, I pushed myself back in the pain, since it was so readily available to me yesterday (due to the current planetary alignments). As I continued to sit there, I began to really understand some of the pain that I had.

I began to understand that I felt so sad and alone because I felt like no one really knew me.  When I really dug into why I felt as though no one really knew me, I began to realize it was because I felt that my mom never really knew me. I saw that my anger stemmed out of my lack of a relationship with my mother, because I felt as though I couldn’t open up to her as a child. My innate reaction as a child was to always pretend everything was fine, and to never talk about my feelings… because deep down, what I was feeling was abandoned.

What I later realized is that what triggered this avalanche of pain and feeling was actually Mother’s Day. I had a wonderful day with my mom on Mother’s Day. I actually had something I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell her or not, but as the day went on, I felt more and more at ease, and so I eventually told her. She did her mom thing, and was able to break through the wall that I always keep up that everything is okay, and she got to my truth. So what I finally realized yesterday as I worked my way through all of this pain, is that my mother has always been there for me. She has done so much for me, all in the name of being a loving and supportive mother. She was always there, she never abandoned me. My feeling of abandonment was created by my own mind as a child when for whatever rhyme or reason I decided that my mother was no longer my ally, or my confidant, or my rock, and I began to shut her out of my life. I am the one who created my own sense of abandonment by isolating my true self from my mom.

As I came to that moment of realization, that I had created this strained relationship with my mother all on my own, the phrase “I chose this life” began to set in with me.

With all of my study into astrology and my soul’s purpose and mission in this lifetime, I have come to a great understanding, which is that my soul chose this exact journey for me to learn everything I needed to learn while I am on earth. The experiences that I have grown from, experienced pain from, and found joy in, were all put in my path to further my soul’s journey. I have come to understand that I truly did chose this life path for myself. So when I felt those words come up, “I chose this life”, I just continued to repeat those words out loud, to really let that sink into my soul.

Here I am writing this the next day, and I just had the realization that this whole experience is quite literally me uncovering one of the greatest masks of my ego. It is me  coming to an understanding of how the story of what I told myself as a child vs the reality of what was actually happening, shaped my misguided belief system that kept me from enjoying the pure love and light that both of my parents have always had for me, and in turn kept me stuck in my own self created world of pain and hurt. A pain that was so deep that rather than feel it, and learn from it, I have spent many years running from it, pretending I was okay, which only served to further the cycle of pain.

Funny thing pain is like that. When we tell ourselves that we are okay, and that we are fine, when we are in fact in pain, we then are essentially creating a place for that pain to live. We give that pain life. Our life thus attracts more pain, because that is the vibe that we are sending out into the world. We drag out our own pain when we don’t face it head on. However, when we do embrace it, feel it, let it hurt, and let it out… then we learn our truth behind that pain, and then we begin to understand it. Once we understand it, we can learn from it… and finally move on and be done with that it!

The only way out is through.

There are no shortcuts in life growth.

We all must learn to stop being afraid of pain.

We should welcome it with open arms.

Sit with your pain.

FEEL it.

Let it hurt.

Let it make you mad.

Scream.

Cry.

Be sad.

Then understand what exactly it is that is making you sad.

Once you get deep into that pain, it becomes easier to see what it is that is truly the problem.

Continue asking yourself why, until you have your answer.

It will come.

“As I stand in a puddle of tears, I give thanks; for without pain, I would not grow.” – @j.ironword

Give thanks. You are exactly where you chose to be on this journey of life.

You chose this life.

The sooner we all understand that we are not victims of our circumstances, but rather the creators of our destiny; the sooner we can flip that switch and realize our amazing power to achieve anything we desire in this world comes through our ability to face our own pain and grow our way through it.

Sending so much light and love to you all this week. There is a lot of active energy going on in the world right now, and I hope that you all take that extra energy and use it to confront some of your own pain… and that through that you find great healing, so you are able to better shine your light. Our world needs your light right now. We need to stop furthering the pain. It is time.

❤ Christine

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Within all of my spiritual avenues that I have pursued lately, one thing that has shown to be a constant across all religions and spiritual practices, is the practice of tithing. Tithing is the act of giving 10% (or more, but not less), of your earnings either to the church, to a charity, or to some other person who is in need. The principle of tithing is that whatever you give away, will come back to you in ways that are much greater than money.

My mother, a devout Christian, has tithed all of my life. She has always given 10% and trusted that God would provide for us in moments when maybe that extra 10% would have come in handy for her. I have seen first hand, how her belief and faith in God to provide for our family, has continuously blessed our family in moments where we didn’t know how we would make it through.

In my Kabbalah classes, they touched upon the importance of tithing. They emphasized that 10% is the minimum level that one should contribute in order to see and receive the intangible effects that tithing inevitably brings. They noted that 10% can be hard at first, so working your way up to that amount slowly is fine, just know that 10% is really where spirit can start to work through you, and in turn where you will receive the most blessings back into your life. They also mention that giving of one’s time in community services is just as important. As a note on tithing, they teach that tithing removes any blockages that may block the flow of blessings into our lives. By detaching ourselves from the physical world, and money, and giving of it freely, we allow ourselves to be more of an open channel by which blessings can easily flow and also be received.

Growing up in a very strict Christian church, I will admit, I always felt as though when the pastor would preach on tithing and anything related to money really, that the church was a bit money hungry. It is actually one of the major things that turned me off from church. However, as I have explored my spirituality in other areas, the subject of tithing is a constant in all spiritual avenues, and after really digging into it in my Kabbalah class, I understood it much better from a perspective of how it benefits my life (vs. just the church).

At a woman’s night at my friend’s church the other night the speaker, Nicole Crank, said something which finally put tithing into perspective for me in a way where I just got it. Which was that our donation/money offering is buying us the things that cannot be bought. The thought of parting with 10% of my income is much more tolerable when I know that I am certain what I am really doing is investing that 10% into miracles and blessings.

Not only that, but seeing my money go to someone in need… that is a joy all on its own. Helping other people feels good. You just have to shift out of the mind set that it is your money. Sure, it is your money in one sense, but really it is not. All of our money comes from God and Spirit and us utilizing our innate gifts and talents to make a living. What we make, we shouldn’t see as ours, but as a gift from God. How we contribute those gifts back to the world dictates the blessings we continue to see in our lives.

Today is the new Moon in Aries, which brings focus to new beginnings and eliminating old negative thought patterns. My intention for this new moon is to start giving back more, of both my time and money. I have gotten to a place where I know that giving what I have will bless me back, and so I have no fear in parting ways with my time or money in the name of blessing others. I know it will bless me, others, and ultimately the consciousness of the world, and I am excited and grateful to see where this journey takes me.

Much love and light to you all!

– Christine

A few weekends ago I went to go see a psychic. She was recommended to me by a friend, and I’m an ever curious soul, so I went.

Now when you think of a psychic, a lot of things may come to mind. This lady was none of those things, lol. She lives in a condo in Affton that has Christmas decorations on every square inch of her house and patio. She was 75 years old, and when I went she was rather sick and was coughing a lot. My first thought was to notice everywhere she touched as I didn’t want to catch any germs. However that idea didn’t last long as she demanded I give her my phone so she could be in control of the recording. She also then had tarot cards that she handed me, so quickly I gave in to the fact that I was going to get sick.

I shuffled the cards a bit while she asked me about my birthday and the birthdays of anyone I had questions about. From their birthday she calculated their numerology life path numbers. I am a 1. I knew this going into the session, however, according to astrology I have had many past lives so I had questions around how I could possibly be a 1. Her response was that I’ve had no past lives, that I’m just a baby and as a 1 this was going to be my hardest and toughest life. She went on to say that the only thing that would make me happy in this life would be to find the right man, settle down and have babies.

As someone that has been very independent in life and who has never aspired to have children… this description of how I achieve happiness did not sit well with me. I told her my plan that I would like to be a life coach some day and she told me that I’d never have the experience in this life to do that. More cringe worthy feels to my insides. This visit was going no where along the lines of what I expected.

Then she had me start pulling cards and started rattling off a long list of things. I’ll meet a man, a light skin man, light hair, light eyes, that was coming up and there was no energy good or bad around it. I would be getting a promotion within 7 days, 7 weeks, or 7 months. There was another man, with an energy of 8, perhaps a Leo, who has strong energy around me. Debbie was of importance and I’d hear on that within 10 days. Then a 4 came up, she said I’d be single 4 more years. She said many things.

Then she finished and told me to ask her questions. Coming into the reading I had prepared 10 questions that were, looking back, way too random. I should have focused on questions about what she had just told me. I asked my questions though and some she just couldn’t answer. I could tell that she could tell that I was disappointed though, so she kept trying to focus on my love life and what I could do. Which I guess is normally why women go see a psychic but my reasoning had hardly anything to do with love.

When I left, I honestly felt very defeated and as though I had just wasted $50 to have someone dash all my hopes and dreams. However, in the weeks since I have ruminated on what she said and I have begun to see the deeper meaning behind it all.

First and foremost, my terribly hard life path that I should have as a 1, I can see that while my life could have been much worse, my luck as an Aquarius with Pisces rising has done a great job of turning my challenges in life into beautiful moments. The comment about Debbie? A day later I found out my Aunt Debbie was coming home, 10 days from the reading. I also will be getting a promotion, I’m not sure when, but my guess is that it could very well be 7 months from now, as that is when we have employee reviews. The energy of the man with an 8, I have no doubt relates to a long time ex of mine. I had talked to him recently and so I could see his energy still being around me.

As for me being a life path of 1… it took me a while to accept this, but I’m slowly beginning to. My thinking is that perhaps this is my soul’s first life on Earth… but possibly not it’s first life in the universe. Maybe that’s how this all works? I know I came into this world with certain energies based on events of lives past, I simply feel that to be true. Whether it was my souls energy or last onto me through my parents or some other way though, who can say.

Anyways, I eventually made my peace with the psychic words, but it will be a long time before I venture to go see her again. However, as a client of hers now I can call her anytime to ask about the compatibility of anyone I meet based on their birth date. I appreciate that open line of questioning. Solid business plan from the psychic. Lol.

Happy Sunday all!

– Christine

I know I’m getting pretty behind on my daily writing, however, I’ve been stuck in this weird limbo feeling for the past two weeks as I’ve been waiting to hear back on a situation. I don’t want to talk about it until I know it’s really happening, so because I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve basically not been wanting to really talk about anything. That’s a pretty lame excuse for not writing though, so really I just need to stop letting myself get dissuaded by excuses.

As I have mentioned, I am currently taking classes in Kabbalah which help me better understand the mind and the ego. It’s been extremely transformative for me in terms of understanding my own responsibility in all of my reactions to things in life.

More than that, Kabbalah has taught me a deeper understanding for the universe and the fundamental explanation of why we are in the energetic climate that we are currently experiencing, and what I can do personally in order to better humanity.

Check out this week’s post from Kabbalah Student, Billy Phillips. The video at the end absolutely blew my mind, because I not only understood and believed it to be true, but I felt it was true in my soul. The purpose of all of creation and how we achieve utopia and peace on earth is explained in the video. Which to think that we are in the moment in time where this information is now being disseminated to the masses and a global awakening IS in fact happening… is mind blowingly awesome.

The energy of the world right now is slowly shifting towards realization that we are all one, and what we do to another, we do to ourselves. As we become aware of this, it is my belief that we will rapidly see our world shift towards a place centered in love and peace. Love for all our fellow man kind, just as we love ourselves. Those in positions of power who have been driven by greed and corruption for so long will even be converted to love. The power structure currently in place IS coming down. Trust in that, and know that incredible, amazing, things are starting to happen in our world. We are alive during the conscious awakening of the world, and if we focus on our own awakening and learning during this time we will reap incredible benefits and rewards almost immediately within our lives.

Such an incredible time to be alive.

Sit on that information for a minute and then think about what you are doing to discover and unleash your own gifts to the world right now. Is your path rooted in love? Love of self, and love for your fellow man? That is what your aim should be. To live in love, by following the pull of your heart. Heart centered living. This is the only path forward to true happiness in life.

Not sure how you do this? Start by tuning into your heart. Meditate. Quiet your mind. Tune into your heart. This is the starting point for anyone who is ready to start living the best life they can possibly lead. When you quiet your mind and listen, your heart will guide you to the answers that you need.

If you are in the St. Louis area, and would like to learn how to better focus and meditate, I highly recommend checking out this group, SahajaYoga Meditation, they have a great explanation of meditation, followed by a guided meditation. If you regularly attend their classes (which are free!!) they are very helpful in starting one’s journey with meditation.

If you are in another location, you can check out the main website for Sahaja Yoga Meditation to locate groups worldwide. Classes are free everywhere, as the founder of SahajaYoga, Shri Mataji Nirmala Devi says, “Truth cannot be sold, it cannot be purchased”, it is just to be experienced and enjoyed.

Enjoy the truth my friends. Connect with your inner divinity, and live from your heart.

God bless,

– Christine

 

When I am present in any given moment, I notice everything in that moment.

I notice the sounds around me, and what they are telling me about the positioning of all who are in motion around me.

I notice the subtle shift of knowing vs. curiosity in people’s eyes when I talk to them.

I notice the deliberate placement of someone’s gaze vs the haphazard wandering of a thoughtless stare.

I notice the thought that is forming in a person’s mind behind the facade of their inactive listening.

I notice the collective energy vibes of a room, and who is influencing those vibes the most.

I notice the endless depth behind the quietest people… and their silent acknowledgement of my knowing of their secret brilliance when our eyes meet and briefly pierce each other’s souls.

I notice the awkward dance that rests in the air between two people who can’t quite seem to figure out the connection between them.

I notice the subtle change of attitude that some feel necessary to use to distract others when they sense someone is becoming too close.

I notice the little things that people do and the little things they used to do.

I notice when your soul isn’t into something any more.

I notice both the calm and the erratic levels that people are vibing at, based on the zen of the air around them.

I notice when you enter a room, and when you leave it.

I notice you silently working up the courage to speak words to that person you’re really into… especially if that person is me.

I notice people who are turning on the charm vs. those who are naturally charming.

I notice those who are aware consciously aware of the fifth dimension, and those who will never quite grasp it.

I notice when you have ulterior motives behind the words coming out of your mouth.

I notice when you are lying.

I notice when you are trying to manipulate someone into thinking your idea is their idea.

I notice your level of confidence by combining the total of your words, your actions, and your silence.

I notice the subtlety of almost everything.

I notice things because I’m intuitive, perceptive, and judgmental. I’ve developed an ego of kindness which lends itself to being a people pleaser, and as such, I learned very early on to pay close attention to people, and all they were saying and not saying, so that I could use that knowledge to get what I wanted from them or the situation, all while making them think my interest is because I only have their best interest at heart. This is not to say that I don’t have their best interest at heart many times, however, self preservation is most always the name of the game.

It’s lonely at times… noticing everything about everyone… while mostly just wanting someone to notice me… and that I am not really what I pretend to be. I long for someone that looks at me in amazement of all the things I can clearly see, with a knowing that they will never quite be able to figure me out. Which may sound tiresome to most, but I’ve learned my best matches are the ones who love the randomness of my ever changing mind. To those few… the reward is the essence of my free spirited heart. For inside the layers of my brilliant mind, is a simple, fun loving girl, with a curiosity as fierce as the winds of a hurricane… that just wants to laugh and play, and make the most of this playground that is our world. A girl who wants to live at the highest levels of consciousness, where nothing of this world can be taken for granted, as it all serves a divine purpose for our chosen path of learning in life. Her, who will simply always want to be watching and be reveling in the orchestra of life… everyday that she is alive.

So… would you like to take notice with me?

– Christine

 

Over the weekend I saw the new film, “I Am Not Your Negro” which is the story of race in modern America as written by James Baldwin with his unfinished novel, Remember This House.

The movie left a number of lasting impressions on me, that I want to share.

First off, the tale of oppression and murder that permeates James Baldwin’s tale, were sadly way to reminiscent of events that are still happening in our communities today. What struck me as even worse, was that in the time of Baldwin’s writings primarily the 50-60’s, there almost seemed to be more hope, and more leadership on the civil rights front of race equality than there is now. As my friend Niki and I discussed this after the movie, we both concurred that it almost seemed like any steps forward were almost assured to lead to lack of further progression down the road, because people think their work is done and then stop leading the fight.

Sadly, the truth is that this fight will never end in our lifetime. The subtle prejudices and racism that has infiltrated the minds of the white American population is not going away any time soon. The inability for the white population to admit its own privilege over every other race, is the cornerstone of the issue, as I see it. Until more people can come to understand the ways that white privilege has created a monstrous class of completely unaware people who are constantly unconsciously asserting their privilege over the well being of other human beings, until we can all recognize this fact and work to change this ill minded belief… then we will be stuck in this viscous and hate filled cycle, which only serves to bring down all of humanity.

In the movie Baldwin stated how whites seemed to be filled with so much hate that it had closed them off to feel any apathy of the heart towards the African American struggle. This line really stuck with me, because it has always been my belief that if we can simply shift back towards heart centered living, then that is how we begin to unite in love to overcome our perception of inequality towards one another. The more that we are able to live from our hearts and have love and compassion for all, the closer we are to solving our problems that result from one group thinking they are above another.

I suppose Baldwin’s line on apathy stuck out to me mostly because it was in that moment that I began to gain a sense of the pure hatred that is actually directed at people of color for no apparent logical reason. I’ve always been on the optimistic side, but as a white woman it was easy for me to be in that place, because I have never been on the side of being hated and oppressed by half of your country for no good reason. Slowly over the past few days, I have attempted to put myself in that place, and I have to say, it has brought me to a much somber more realistic view of the situation that we are facing today. I no longer look at it with optimism that a heart centered revolution is ALL we need. Yes, that is what we need, but we need so much more than that, so much that I can now see why the fight to equality is so overwhelmingly hard for African American people to continue to bear on their own.

This morning I came across this video on Facebook with this poem by Danez Smith. Given my most recent revelation and understanding of the African American’s true struggle, I found this post to be very appropriately timed.

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To know that my race has caused a whole separate race so much pain and suffering… because of our own fear and ignorance… is truly heart wrenchingly painful. To make any human being feel that their existence is less for ANY reason is not only wrong but it’s irresponsible towards the fate of humanity.

When I take all of this in, and try to make sense of what this means for me and the lives of those around me… the conclusion that I come to is that the best thing that I can do right here and right now is to continue living from my heart. To continue seeing people as human beings versus a color or a religion. To continue to embrace the idea that we are all one, and what I do to my fellow man, thus I do to myself. The more I lead with that idea in my own life, the more I begin to truly embody the spirit of equality, the more I can stand to be a true representative of hope for a better future for all.

Not only that, but that I also must stand up at every given opportunity and fight the hate and oppression that continues to exist in our world. I must stand up for the betterment of humanity, and fight for equality for all in every situation that I encounter in my life. Together, we must all start to do this. We cannot sit idle and let these injustices continue to happen right before our eyes everyday. For when our fellow human is hurt, when they are made to feel less, when they are made to feel as though God has forgotten them, and this world holds no love in its heart for them… that is the moment hate climbs into our world and takes away all of our hope for humanity.

We can ascend to greatness together… or we will not ascend at all. The choice is ours, and it’s high time we all start to realize that we can only move forward in humanity when we chose to do so as equals.

God bless,

– Christine

In case you missed the message of my last post, we are all slowly starting to realize that we are not actually free. So what does that mean? It means we are the forefront of a revolution. A revolution of consciousness. Man has created a network that was meant to enslave the masses. Man started with good intention, and built a world that created a world which has brought us to this moment. Which was quite far. However, man could only take us so far before his dominant quest to conquer the world turned into what we now see today. A world of chaos and disorder. A country divided. A world that doesn’t know how to love. This is the moment… where the consciousness steps in, and wakes us up, all of us, Finally.

If you are paying attention, and listening to your soul, you feel this. You know that our government is no longer serving the people, we can see this as our President signs orders that directly violate our constitution. You know that when hate, corruption, and greed, drive all of our policies.You know it when they try to take away science and reason. Meditation is no longer just something hippies do, no, it’s something people of intelligence do. Spirituality no longer means that you must answer to a religion, no, it means you are getting in touch with your inner guide. Our understanding of the system of oppression is changing as we are starting to open our eyes and see what is really going on. We are oppressed. WE are not FREE.

However, we do have rights. We have inalienable rights guaranteed by our forefathers, who set out with pure intentions in their heart to make this the land of the free, and home of the brave, because without courage and bravery in the face of the scary and unknown… we will not be free.

This was always part of the plan. The world works on a system of balance. We are at the edge of destruction… but do not fear. The creator, God, the Beauty of the Universe and it’s grand balancing scales, are about to be reset.

We are now consciously aware of the power struggle that is going on at an elite level, as we can see it loud and clear living out right now in our day to day lives of chaos and disunity.

This must change.

This change requires our conscious participation.

This change does not require violence, it requires peace, and calm.

This change requires people to understand their own limitations that have been holding them back in life, and thus depriving this world of their precious gifts and talents.

This change requires us to admit our own faults, and agree to work on them.

This change happens… when we all work on ourselves.

This change happens when we resolve all of our own issues within and return to being spiritual beings capable of radiating light and love.

As we heal ourselves, as we look within and advance our own consciousness, the consciousness of our world, will follow.

This is our path forward. Global conscious awareness is the next phase of man kind. As we usher in the ultimate all knowing beings that reside within each of us… then that is when we achieve peace on Earth.

We are at an incredible time of human life.

The Enlightenment Period.

How. Fucking. Cool.

– Christine