Posts Tagged ‘spiritual journey

We all have issues and fears in our lives that stem from the events of our childhood. That is the condition of life. Unlearning the unknown fears of our pasts in order to stop the cycle of pain that they keep us in. That is true growth in life. I have talked openly before about having a fear of intimacy, which is a combination of the fear of abandonment and the fear of rejection. This deep seeded fear in my life stems from the events of my childhood.

My parents divorced when I was five years old, and my fears of abandonment, I believe, stem from the events surrounding my parents divorce. While both of my parents went above and beyond to be the best parents that they could be, nothing they could have done could stop the fact that I subconsciously felt abandoned by them in some way.

My fear of rejection stems from the sexual abuse that I went through, where I was constantly subjected to an abuser who rejected me publicly, but preyed on me privately. That not only created a constant feeling of being of rejected, but it also created a deep rooted feeling of worthlessness within me that, to this day, I find very hard to shake off at times.

While I have acknowledged these issues, their complications, and how they have shaped my life, I realized yesterday that I still have a lot of pain from these things that I have not yet fully embraced. You see, we are beings that are wired to run from painful situations, and to adapt in ways that keep us from ever really feeling our pain. However, those adaptions eventually start to manifest specific lessons in our life which are meant to bring us to the point where we can finally admit that the adapted version of ourselves, is not as great as the true version of ourselves, and bring us to the place where we are ready and willing to face the pain of our pasts once and for all. Another great gift of life, we are continuously being given opportunities to improve to be our best selves. HOWEVER, many times those lessons require truly diving into and FEELING our deep seeded childhood pains, and only through this process can we emerge from our cocoons to be the bright butterflies that we are.

In figuring myself out lately, I have noticed that I very much have anger and control issues. It was in trying to figure out the anger side that I brought myself to the point of realization that it was perhaps fueled by childhood pain. After continuing to think it through, it became increasingly obvious to me that I still have a lot of pain that has yet to be physically felt and released. So yesterday I sat, and for a minute I concentrated on that pit in the bottom of my stomach that comes up when I begin to think about certain parts of my childhood, the painful parts. I focused on that pain, and as it became heavier and heavier, I started to cry. Not just a weeping cry, no, as I continued to forge into the pain of my soul, I started bawling a river of tears. It was painful. Gut wrenchingly painful.

I thought about my parents and how mad I was at them for “abandoning” our family. I have never really acknowledged it to myself, but last night in my pain, I found myself so incredibly angry and in sort of this child like “Why would you do this to me??” fit of rage and pain. I continued to cry, and breathe, and sit in the pain for as long as my easily distracted mind could handle. When I started to get side tracked with other thoughts, I pushed myself back in the pain, since it was so readily available to me yesterday (due to the current planetary alignments). As I continued to sit there, I began to really understand some of the pain that I had.

I began to understand that I felt so sad and alone because I felt like no one really knew me.  When I really dug into why I felt as though no one really knew me, I began to realize it was because I felt that my mom never really knew me. I saw that my anger stemmed out of my lack of a relationship with my mother, because I felt as though I couldn’t open up to her as a child. My innate reaction as a child was to always pretend everything was fine, and to never talk about my feelings… because deep down, what I was feeling was abandoned.

What I later realized is that what triggered this avalanche of pain and feeling was actually Mother’s Day. I had a wonderful day with my mom on Mother’s Day. I actually had something I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell her or not, but as the day went on, I felt more and more at ease, and so I eventually told her. She did her mom thing, and was able to break through the wall that I always keep up that everything is okay, and she got to my truth. So what I finally realized yesterday as I worked my way through all of this pain, is that my mother has always been there for me. She has done so much for me, all in the name of being a loving and supportive mother. She was always there, she never abandoned me. My feeling of abandonment was created by my own mind as a child when for whatever rhyme or reason I decided that my mother was no longer my ally, or my confidant, or my rock, and I began to shut her out of my life. I am the one who created my own sense of abandonment by isolating my true self from my mom.

As I came to that moment of realization, that I had created this strained relationship with my mother all on my own, the phrase “I chose this life” began to set in with me.

With all of my study into astrology and my soul’s purpose and mission in this lifetime, I have come to a great understanding, which is that my soul chose this exact journey for me to learn everything I needed to learn while I am on earth. The experiences that I have grown from, experienced pain from, and found joy in, were all put in my path to further my soul’s journey. I have come to understand that I truly did chose this life path for myself. So when I felt those words come up, “I chose this life”, I just continued to repeat those words out loud, to really let that sink into my soul.

Here I am writing this the next day, and I just had the realization that this whole experience is quite literally me uncovering one of the greatest masks of my ego. It is me  coming to an understanding of how the story of what I told myself as a child vs the reality of what was actually happening, shaped my misguided belief system that kept me from enjoying the pure love and light that both of my parents have always had for me, and in turn kept me stuck in my own self created world of pain and hurt. A pain that was so deep that rather than feel it, and learn from it, I have spent many years running from it, pretending I was okay, which only served to further the cycle of pain.

Funny thing pain is like that. When we tell ourselves that we are okay, and that we are fine, when we are in fact in pain, we then are essentially creating a place for that pain to live. We give that pain life. Our life thus attracts more pain, because that is the vibe that we are sending out into the world. We drag out our own pain when we don’t face it head on. However, when we do embrace it, feel it, let it hurt, and let it out… then we learn our truth behind that pain, and then we begin to understand it. Once we understand it, we can learn from it… and finally move on and be done with that it!

The only way out is through.

There are no shortcuts in life growth.

We all must learn to stop being afraid of pain.

We should welcome it with open arms.

Sit with your pain.

FEEL it.

Let it hurt.

Let it make you mad.



Be sad.

Then understand what exactly it is that is making you sad.

Once you get deep into that pain, it becomes easier to see what it is that is truly the problem.

Continue asking yourself why, until you have your answer.

It will come.

“As I stand in a puddle of tears, I give thanks; for without pain, I would not grow.” – @j.ironword

Give thanks. You are exactly where you chose to be on this journey of life.

You chose this life.

The sooner we all understand that we are not victims of our circumstances, but rather the creators of our destiny; the sooner we can flip that switch and realize our amazing power to achieve anything we desire in this world comes through our ability to face our own pain and grow our way through it.

Sending so much light and love to you all this week. There is a lot of active energy going on in the world right now, and I hope that you all take that extra energy and use it to confront some of your own pain… and that through that you find great healing, so you are able to better shine your light. Our world needs your light right now. We need to stop furthering the pain. It is time.

❤ Christine


So this morning one of the first things I saw on Facebook this morning was a video of a former pastor stating how he believes the Bible was in fact not written by Jesus, but by man to manipulate men. He went on to say that he 100 percent believes in God, but that the Bible was not a product of God, but of man. First thought: duh, Jesus didn’t write the bible the apostles wrote the bible. Or something like that right? (My bible study days are a bit foggy at this point in life.) My second thought: duh, this is why religion is not the same thing as spirituality. However, after reading comment after comment from disappointed Christians about how sad it was that this former pastor no longer believed in God (even though he clearly stated that he did still believe in God), I came to the conclusion that today was as good a day as any to explain Religion vs. Spirituality. I hadn’t planned on going this deep so soon, but one cannot fight where the light leads them. 🙂

One of the first things I am quick to clarify with new people in my life is that I am a spiritual person, but I am not religious. How’s that you may ask? Well, I grew up attending private school my whole life, church almost every Sunday, and not just one religion, but a multitude of religions over my life as my mother and father tried to figure out their own religious standings. However, it was not until 2 years ago that I actually came to know God.  13 years of private school education and I found God at 28 while meditating on top of a hill. I had an experience that day where I opened my eyes and I suddenly saw everything around me as one connected orb. I don’t really know how to explain it that well, but in that moment I suddenly knew that God was everything in this universe, every single thing could be broken down into the tiniest of molecules and those molecules were God. This realization changed my life.

After spending a lifetime rebelling against the religion that had been shoved down my throat, I suddenly wanted to know everything there was to know about this God that I had witnessed. Through my quest to find out more about God, I have explored many different “religions” over the past 2 years. At the time I was attending a Unity church, which is what had gotten me into mediation. So I started by expanding my knowledge of meditation. I found a local meditation group that taught the practice of Sahaja Yoga, a meditation (not actual yoga) that explains how to awaken our inner kundalini. To be clear this group is not a religion, but rather a group that teaches a spiritual tool to awaken the energy within our soul and practice a meditation that walks one through understanding what to do as one pulls forth that energy and it works its way through all of our chakras. (I’m not going to attempt to explain it better than that, but if you are interested, I highly recommend googling it.) During my first visit to Sahaja Yoga the teacher spoke about our DNA, and how everything can be broken down to the smallest particle, and that smallest particle makes up everything in this world. That’s when I knew I was in the right place, as that was exactly what my vision on the hill had revealed to me.

From that meditation class, I found another meditation group with a local yogini. She hosted a group meditation where she would walk us deep into our inner minds, and then concluded with a discussion on whatever life topic she had chosen for the week. The talks with yogini were always quite profound, as the group would talk and it seemed everyone had a general understanding of the topic she had picked out for the week. However, then inevitably she would turn the tables upside down on us with her divine wisdom as to why what we all were seeing was in fact not true but rather the product of our limited minds and beliefs. It was here that I learned to open my mind quite a bit and started to question everything.

From there, my spiritual journey, through a string of coincidences (coincidences are one of the ways that the Universe speaks to us FYI), landed me in a class taught by a local spiritual life coach, Jean Walters, over the book “A Course in Miracles”. The course in miracles is a book written by two atheists who say that God directed them to write the book. It has many lessons, but what our course focused on was the work book aspect which is 365 daily lessons on how to break down the thoughts of the ego so that you can start to stop your destructive thoughts and behaviors in the mind before they turn into action. I’ll be honest I have not made it super far into my 365 lessons, but from what I have read, it has helped me shift to a mental understanding that helps me to look at things in the present moment with fresh eyes. Free of judgment and assumptions which are only based on the past. It’s an awesome mental shift to make.

Perhaps due to my newfound ability to see things without assumptions and judgments, I recently decided to take a class on Kabbalah. (Yes, the Madonna religion *sigh*) Now I am new to the study of Kabbalah, so my explanation of it is almost undoubtedly not going to be correct, however, what Kabbalah is to me is a collection of tools and teachings that help a person to better understand their own mind. For instance you have a thought, one has thousands of thoughts throughout the day, but one does not act on all of those thoughts. Kabbalah (again in simpleton terms) is the process of understanding your own process of how you move a thought from thinking to doing. It helps you understand the road blocks in your mind that keep you from doing the things that you wish you were doing, and provides tools to help you stop doing the things that you wish you weren’t doing. That is only scratching the surface of Kabbalah I am sure, but I am excited to continue my classes and learn more about this practice.

So… what’s my point here? Religion is not spirituality. Religion IS man made, and therefore is fallible. All of the various religions that exist are simply one person’s way of trying to explain God, or in some cases just people’s attempt to control other people. In fact, I have come to general guideline for religions, which is that if your religion dictates that I must hate or turn my back on any person because your religion says so… then I do not view that religion as a true dedication to following the God that I know. The God that I know is simply pure love for all. As for spirituality, the definition really says it all:

“Spirituality is a broad concept with room for many perspectives. In general, it includes a sense of connection to something bigger than ourselves, and it typically involves a search for meaning in life. As such, it is a universal human experience—something that touches us all.”

If you take away anything from this, let it be that you are a spiritual being as much as you are a human being, and as such you should seek out your own spiritual journey, whatever that may look like for you. Don’t let religious rules scare you off, take everything with a grain of salt, open your mind, and explore where your heart leads you. A good place to start? Ask the universe to guide you. Ask, and then meditate on the answer. When you clear your mind, the answers will come.

Much love and blessings to you all.

– Christine