StLSass

Posts Tagged ‘sobriety

I have a confession, (I’m so naturally secretive that as I’ve learned to embrace my truth I’ve grown to love confessions if you haven’t picked up on this already)… I ended my sobriety streak back in May.

I had gotten to a point where I honestly really felt like drinking and I was just getting very angry at the notion that I “couldn’t drink”. Its the Aquarius in me, tell me I can’t do something and that’s all I want to do.

So after 4 months of sobriety, I entertained a few nights of drinking.

First and foremost I was a bit shocked that my tolerance had not changed one bit. I’m sure that is a testament to just how hardcore of a drinker I was before I stopped, but it also made me see that it would take much longer than 4 months for my body to really ever detox from my many years of heavy drinking.

Secondly, I was immediately reminded of why I stopped drinking to begin with, which is because it isn’t actually fun to me. It’s weird, but when I drink it’s as though I am handing over the keys to my life to this girl that doesn’t really have any plans or direction. She does whatever she wants, and has no care for what the next day, or even hour, may bring. She is out to have “fun” in this moment and that is all that matters.

Except for the fact that that isn’t all that matters to me in life any more, so now when I hand the keys over to that girl I pretty much just get annoyed by her and her immature ideology on life and what is “fun”.

Thirdly, I have come to an understanding of how to drink in moderation. For me, I cannot drink vodka in moderation. I just can’t. I used to only drink vodka and water, and what I have realized is that combination is the reason that I would drink and drink, and never really feel drunk until I was so drunk that I was either getting sick or blacking out. The water was hydrating me just enough to keep me from mentally feeling drunk, but it wasn’t really helping my physical body to not feel the effects, so eventually my physical body would be so saturated it would just make me sick.

So for me, I believe that I can drink in moderation, and my success with that has come from drinking wine. Wine is made to be drank slowly, so this makes sense.

… I think my struggle with drinking really comes down to the fact that my life is changing. I am not the girl that I once was, and I no longer truly enjoy the things that I once did. That change… is a bit scary. Partying, drinking, being over the top and out of control… is familiar “fun” to me.

FOCUSING on what I really want, working hard, and being persistent … is all a bit foreign to me. However, I know the long term joy that comes from within the latter is the only kind of fun I really want in my life now.

So, I think, the past few months have been me just dipping a toe into the sobriety pool to see how the water feels. But now, I’ve gotten to a point where it’s time to really dive in and embrace all of the changes that this new life requires. Which means making some of the big changes that I have put off making.

More to come on those…

Thanks for reading everyone, have a good one!

– Christine

 

 

 

 

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Today is my birthday. Maybe it’s the week I’ve had, but I can’t remember a birthday that I have been less enthusiastic about. Thirty one. No glitz. No glamour. It’s just an age now. That part I’m okay with. I’m not dismayed by age. I am quite intrigued by the thirties and excited for how they will see me grow.

I think my disappointment with this year comes on the slight feeling of having failed myself over the past year. You see, since my birthday is in January, every year I set a goal for myself of something I want to accomplish that year. In the years leading up to thirty it seemed my ability to achieve said goal always came in the final hours. I’m a procrastinator by nature, so the pressure to make something happen doesn’t really hit hard until the deadline is fast approaching.

My goal for myself for thirty was to buy a house or property. Anyone that knows me, knows I’ve been working hard towards this goal this past year. I even moved in with my parents mid year in order to meet the monetary goal I knew was truly necessary to be serious about buying a place. Many people also know that over the past two months I’ve put several offers on places, even had one accepted only to fall through shortly after. To say it’s been challenging would be an understatement. I know internally I became more frantic about buying a place in December only because I knew my birthday was rapidly approaching and the thought of failing myself seemed out of the question. The Universe seems determine to not let me achieve this one.

However today, as I look back at the year that I have had, the challenges that I have faced, and the growth that I have achieved over the past 12 months, I see that my failure was not in the fact that I didn’t buy a property this year. No, my failure lies in the goal that I set for myself. You see my goal this year was wrong from the start. Before I could achieve the things that I want in life, I needed to get real about the things that were holding me back in life. That’s what this year taught me.. that in order to move forward, you must first admit to what is holding you back. What was holding me back? My ability to take care of myself… my ability to be healthy… physically and mentally.

Healthy means many things. For me, this past year it has meant finding an exercise that I enjoy, and pushing myself to do it everyday. I love biking. This year my love for biking saved me from my depression. It got me outside on days when I didn’t want to get out of bed. It got me in the heart of nature where I could connect back to my soul. It made me feel alive again. Not to mention it helped me lose 50lbs.

I got my eating under control. One night as I was staring down at the bottom of a bag of donuts, eating my pain away, I stopped and I asked myself… what emotion are you eating instead of feeling right now? That was the first night I admitted to myself that I was using eating to hide from my real pain. Once I admitted that to myself, it became a lot harder to sit and eat a whole bag of donuts and feel okay about it.

I should also mention Juice Plus+ in there, but only because I know it made my struggle against food so easy. When I started taking Juice Plus+ and flooding my body with good things, suddenly I didn’t crave sweets anymore. I craved salads. I don’t care how many emotions I can conquer, for me to actually crave healthy food… that is a miracle. Juice Plus+ was my easy button for nutrition, both the capsules and shakes, made getting nutritious food in my body so easy, and for one less struggle that was not so much a struggle… I am so thankful.

Then came sobriety. This was the hard one. This was the truth I wrestled with all year pretending it wasn’t really necessary. Pretending it wasn’t impacting my life negatively. You see alcohol wasn’t affecting my life to a point where it impacted my job, or my ability to function. Drinking wasn’t even something I felt the need to do every week. How could it be a problem if I wasn’t even drinking that much?? How could social drinking be so bad??

It was bad though. It was bad on the nights when I drank and then I let myself text an ex boyfriend. It was bad when I drunkenly drove myself home. It was bad when I didn’t get up and go to meditation class, or go bike, or go do the things that I truly wanted to be doing. Drinking took away my own power from myself.

I guess that’s what this year taught me really. It taught me that the only thing that can get in my way… is myself. It taught me that the only person that can hold me back from greatness… is me. It taught me, that even when I want to pretend to that I can make short cuts work out… that I can’t, and that I’m only postponing my own happiness by trying. This year showed me the value of listening to myself.

That may not be the goal I set out with… but it was the goal that I needed. As I sit here today and think about that… I could not be more grateful to life for stepping in to rearrange my goal this year to something far more valuable than buying a house.

Funny how if the Universe had let me get a property this past year… perhaps I would have missed the real value in that realization of real lesson I was meant to learn through all this. I love when the universe hands you beautiful moments like that. (Although, now that I’ve realized it, we can go ahead and make one of the properties I’m viewing today work out, right??) :p

Thirty was a beautiful year. It was a year of tremendous growth and learning. It was a year that led me closer to who I really am. With that, I have to say I can’t wait for what 31 has in store. I am set up for greatness. I am set up to make my dreams come true. I cannot wait to see where the Universe takes me a year from now… and what wonderfully hard lesson I will finally come to learn before I turn 32. 🙂

Cheers to goals, new directions… and life! ❤

– Christine

Many of you may think that my decision to quit drinking is something that I just decided to do one day after a terrible night out or something. However, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I first recognized that drinking wasn’t doing me any good about 2 years ago. I recognized it was an issue, but I wasn’t ready to actually stop. After I became aware of the negative ways that drinking was affecting my life, slowly but surely, I began to stop getting any kind of enjoyment from drinking. The day after Christmas 2016 I woke up only to have a vague memory of driving myself home, and that was it for me. I reached my zero tolerance level for myself. No longer did drinking offer any enjoyment, no, all it did was make me a danger to myself and those around me, and that was finally crystal clear to me. That was my A-ha moment. Since making that mental shift, it has become easy for me to dismiss my ego when that little voice creeps in with “Well, one drink won’t hurt..” Yes it will. I’ve proven it time and time again, and I’m done tempting fate. There is no point.

Tonight in my Kabbalah class we learned about the three stages of Transformation, and it hit home with me not only about drinking but about all the changes I am trying to make in life. I thought it was very interesting and wanted to share it with you all. To summarize, the three stages of transformation are:

  1. Obliviousness with a want for change: In the beginning you are oblivious to whatever issues you have within yourself that need to change. You can’t see the exact problem you may have but you start to know you want to change something. Once you know you want to change, slowly you will start to become aware of your behavior/thoughts/beliefs that are in fact not serving your highest good. At the point of awareness you move into the second phase…
  2. Awareness, and Enjoyment: Once you become aware of what your issues are, rarely do they immediately change. People are drawn to things that bring them enjoyment, so your behavior is bringing you some level of enjoyment or else you wouldn’t be doing it to begin with. The key to this phase is that as we become more and more aware of why our behavior is ultimately not serving our highest good, slowly it looses any feelings of enjoyment for us. Until finally we reach…
  3. Zero Tolerance: The a-ha moment. Once we make the mental shift to a belief of zero tolerance for our behavior we will reject that behavior going forward. That’s just human nature. Once we recognize that something does not bring us enjoyment, we will no longer have a want to continue with it. That’s when total transformation occurs.

I found it very enlightening to think of change in this format. The key factor is awareness. For me the key factor after awareness, is not to get lost in beating yourself up for continuing to make the same mistake even after you are aware that it is a problem. We are all human and we all have our issues, so don’t beat yourself up about it, work hard to understand it. As our teacher explained last night, it really comes down to figuring out what enjoyment you are still deriving from making that mistake. Something about it still “feels” good to you so you are going to continue to keep doing it. However, once you understand what it is that you think you are enjoying about it and measure that up to the true negatives of the decision, that is when it usually becomes easy to see that in the end what little fun you are getting from it isn’t worth the pain in the end. And then you change.

Anyways, I thought the lesson tonight was very timely and interesting and I wanted to spread the wisdom around. We are currently experiencing a time when big changes and realizations are more possible than they have been in a long time. I’m big into astrology, and for the next month all of the planets are moving direct, so what that means is that we have all of the positive energy flow that is possible in the universe currently surrounding us and pushing us forward. We are able to have great clarity and much positive energy right now guiding us to follow our biggest dreams and achieve big goals.

So if you have been stuck in phase 2 for awhile now with some decisions, its very possible now is the time that you move into zero tolerance and experience total transformation. Like a caterpillar out of its cocoon, I cannot wait to see the beauty that is about to erupt in our world over the next month!

Blessings to all,

– Christine

 

Over the past year I have become aware that my drinking has become more problematic in my life than it has been fun. Too many nights I have driven knowing full well I was not in the most sound state to do so. That, above anything else, has been the driving reason for me to drastically change my behavior and what I deem acceptable in life.

With that, I am proud to announce that I am no longer drinking. Many of those close to me know that has been a goal of mine for some time now, but not a goal I was all that committed to. I was committed to it on mornings when I was hung over and full of regret, but when Friday evening came around I was all too quick to forget my reasons for abstaining.

As someone who struggles with self control in life on a regular basis, drinking only served to be my escape to let go of any tiny bit of self control that I was able to have. I have set many goals for myself over the past year, and in my look back at why some of those goals never came to fruition, drinking was usually the main, if not the only, reason for it.

I have tried the method of limiting myself to only having two drinks when I go out, and at times that has worked just fine. However, I question what the point of even having two drinks is, when those two drink would still sometimes led to 3… or 4… or more.

What ultimately led to my commitment to not drink at all period, was the fact that it’s not really even fun to me anymore… under any circumstance. I drink, I maybe get a little more loosey goosey than I normally would be, but I’m already a pretty outgoing person, so alcohol only serves to increase the volume of voice really. When I really think about what it is doing for me, I see that it is just making me more ego driven, while abandoning all of the proactive decision making that I’ve striven so hard to learn this year. Which at this point, is exactly the opposite of what I want out of my life.

Not to mention alcoholism runs in my family, very heavily. So while some people can control themselves while drinking and not take it too far… for me that’s a very hard thing to do. One taste and I just want more.

I by no means want to judge anyone who chooses to drink, that is everyone’s own prerogative. However, I would like to encourage everyone to think about the reasons why you like to drink. Is it because it’s fun? Is it because it takes the edge off after a crappy day at work? Is it because that’s just what you’ve always done? What is it that you get out of drinking?

Think about all the goals that you want to accomplish in life, and ask yourself if drinking is in anyway hampering those goals? If the answer is yes, I encourage you to start thinking about how cutting back or quitting drinking might help you get further with certain goals this coming year. Our society is so entrenched in drinking being a normal thing that everyone does, but I’ve started to see that that perception is perhaps one that is perpetrated by society to in fact keep us down. I personally see no real benefits to drinking, physically or mentally, so why is it that it’s become such a staple for so many people and events?

Can you imagine a society that is so well adjusted that we don’t ever need to drink to avoid our true reality? Seems like a better place to live to me. Getting there is going to take a lot of big changes for people, but I think many people are ready for that change. We are already becoming a more health conscious society, so I think that will help drive the initiative a lot further over the coming years. We are also starting to be able to better recognize how we are being controlled by the bigger powers at play in the world, and I have to say, I think the normalization of drinking is a move they conspired to make so common place to keep us from rising up. I’ll leave my conspiracy theories out of it for now though, and just say that I hope everyone reading this takes a minute to think about their own drinking habits, and evaluate what it is really bringing to the table for you in your life. I’m not saying you shouldn’t ever drink, but I do think you should understand yourself enough to know why you drink. Understanding the why goes a long way to understanding if it’s something you really need in your life or not.

Your support and encouragement on my journey are much appreciated.

newbeg

Love and blessings to all,

– Christine