StLSass

Posts Tagged ‘Relationships

Does anyone really know you? Like, all of you? Every dark secret and hidden truth that has made you who you are. Have you ever admitted all of those things to another person? Have you ever really admitted all of those things to yourself?

Until about 3 years ago, no one really knew me. Not my closest friends, not my family, hell, I barely even knew myself.

You see I had spent the better half of my life, lying to myself. Telling myself that I was okay, when in fact I was far from okay.

That’s just what I knew though. I knew I had to be okay, I had to be strong, I had to be perfect.

After years of keeping up my charade of perfection and lies, even to myself, I finally broke down.

It was a summer night, and I had just spent the evening with all of my closest girlfriends. Most of whom were now married, either with children, or with them on the way. In fact my best friend was pregnant at the time. After spending the evening with my girls, and celebrating everyone’s accomplishment, I went home, alone, to my small apartment.

As I walked into my apartment that night, I closed the door behind me, and then I just crumpled into a ball on the floor and started bawling my eyes out.

Everyone was so happy… but me.

I had so much happiness in my heart for all of my friends, but all it seemed to do was remind me of how unhappy I was with myself.

I sat there and cried for over an hour. I let my pain flow from deep within me, and I cried a river that night… a river of pain straight from my soul.

What I realized in that hour, was that I was upset because no one knew what I had really been though in my life. No one understood me, because I had never been able to be honest with the people in my life. I was too ashamed.

When I finally was able to pick myself up that night, I grabbed my notebook, and started writing. I started writing about how upset I was. I was upset because of what had happened to me in my life, and how I felt that it was my duty to keep my past a secret. Only, I didn’t want to keep this secret anymore. I didn’t want to be unhappy anymore.

Three weeks and one therapy session later, I told my two best friends my truth.

I was sexually abused as a child. I felt responsible for what happened, and therefore resolved to never tell anyone in my life about it. What I went through was confusing, lasted many years, and left me with a very distorted sense of self worth. I never believed that I deserved anything good in life after it. How could I? I was no longer perfect. I was tainted.

What happened when I told my two girlfriends my story, was very unexpected for me. For the first time in my life, I felt free. I felt loved for who I truly am, and I felt relieved.

That was the beginning of my new life. That was the beginning of my journey towards really loving myself.

It has not been totally easy. I had to tell my parents what happened to me. I have slowly told other close friends. And finally there came a time where I had to confront my abuser, and tell him that what happened between us was no longer a secret I was willing to keep. I lost people I was very close to in life because of that.

What happened as I owned my truth though, was that I finally learned to love myself. What happened to me, no longer defined me. I was no longer a victim… I was a survivor.

Slowly, talking about my past has gone from being something that brings me great pain, to something that I can do openly, without tears, without shame, and without guilt. My past no longer dictates my ability to be happy. I owned my past, so that it could stop owning me.

My advice to anyone out there struggling with their own truth, with their own secret past… Talk to someone. Anyone. Do not let your secret destroy you from the inside out, because it will. Don’t let your past steal moments of happiness from your future, you deserve better. The truth can, and will, set you free… so talk to someone, it will be okay.

Much love to you all,

– Christine

BeFree

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Last night marked the beginning of what I can feel is going to be an incredible journey for my life.

I hosted a Vision Board class in my home last night. For those not familiar, a vision board can be many things, but it’s purpose is to create a concrete visual of the goals, dreams, and energies that you want to attract in your life. When we have something with those things on it, where we can look at it everyday, and remain focused on what it is that we truly want in our lives, it adds to the power and momentum which is required to bring those things to fruition in our lives.

On a whim, a month or so ago, I decided that I wanted to do a vision board class. I honestly didn’t know what to expect, or how it was going to shape up, but I knew that the New Moon brings the perfect energy for manifesting goals and intentions, so I set the class for the next New Moon, created a Facebook event, invited everyone I knew, and waited to see what happened.

As time drew closer I started researching the energy of this specific New Moon, which was in Taurus. Reading about the patient, grounded energy that Taurus brings, and how it can help us to figure out where we really want to focus our time and attention in life, I knew that the class was going to have all of the energy and exact vibes that I was looking for it to create, both for myself, and for others. It truly all came together very nicely.

Teaching the class last night taught me two things about myself: 1) While I have resisted following in my mother’s footsteps of teaching thus far in my life, there IS in fact an inner kindergarten teacher inside of me who absolutely loves to create fun, inspirational, and crafty learning experiences for people. And 2) There is totally an inner guru inside of me who loves explaining the energy currents, leading meditations, and inspiring people to think outside the box.

I’ll be honest, I have so many ideas and dreams about what I want to do in this life, and lately I have been feeling a bit lost as to what it is I TRULY want to do. What is my core mission? What do I want to focus on? I have been asking myself those questions for the past few weeks trying to figure that out. The answer I have been getting is that I want to inspire people. Which, is great, but what does that mean? What does that look like?

Last night I learned what that looks like. It looks like me directing a group of very smart, inspired, forward thinking women on how to work with the current energies of universe in order to best visualize and set their focus and intentions for the month ahead. My strengths lie in three key areas: 1) Socializing/Networking 2) Planning/Organizing and 3) Outside the Box Thinking. When you combine all of those with the goal of wanting to inspire people… you get one bad ass vision board class teacher. 🙂

I definitely don’t think that vision boarding is where this stops either. It is a great class, and I will definitely be doing it again, probably on a monthly basis actually. However, what last night really showed me is that I am on exactly the right track with what I want to do with my life. I felt alive last night in the best way possible. Now all I want is to help everyone else in the world feel that same way, which is exactly what I was put here to do.

I. Can. Not. Wait!!!!

Here are some of the finished products of last night:

Visions

Stay blessed all,

– Christine

 

 

Energetically speaking, there is a lot going on in the universe right now.

First off, Venus is retrograde at the moment, which because Venus is the ruler of love and relationships, we may be feeling a bit confused about that area of our lives right now. Conflicted feelings about past relationships could be surfacing as well. I know I have been feeling conflicted things about my previous love, just when I thought I was finally getting over him. I’m not sure what it means, but I am focusing on having patience with my thoughts and focusing on understanding the feelings I still have that are creating them. That way I can find the lesson that still remains to be found there.

The Full Moon in Virgo last night combine with Venus in retrograde is pulling our focus to look within ourselves. To think about who we truly are, what we really value, and what is worth our energy in life. I have been feeling this as well, as lately I have been becoming aware of my scattered energetic efforts to do so much, and the realization that I need to figure out what it is I truly want and then focus all of my energy on that area, instead of trying to do and be everything. I’m a blogger, a comedian, a recruiter, an astrologer, and a healer… but I can’t do all of those things well when I try to be them all, so I need to pick an area and focus.

On top of it all we are in the month of Pisces, so there is so much energy around emotions making us all overly emotional. I have felt this very much lately. I have cried more times this month than I have the past 6 months combined probably. Sometimes over the smallest upsets. I feel like I could cry right now to be honest, and nothing is even really wrong.

The key to navigating all of these strong energies right now, is to focus within. Have patience with yourself, and be aware that your emotions and strong feelings are being brought up now for you to examine them and find the depth of the lessons behind them.

So if you find yourself feeling some of this, just be conscious to take everything with a grain of salt right now. Focus on yourself as you can’t control the world. Give in to the flow of the Universe, and trust in it. Remember you are doing the best you can, and that you are amazing, always.

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Thanks for reading lovelies, have a good Monday!

– Christine

 

It’s happened to most of us. You are minding your own business on Facebook, when you notice an acquaintance has commented on a friend’s post. Seeing that person’s name, you get curious and click on them to see what they have been up to lately. Then to your shock and awe, you realize that you can’t see their profile anymore because they defriended you! This person wasn’t someone you talked to much, maybe you see them out and about from time to time, you’re always friendly in passing, so how could this have come to be?  Your mind starts racing, did I do something to them? Was it something I posted? What could have possibly sent them so far as to defriend me?? As your mind races, you start to immediately resent them, even though you have no idea why, you just can’t help but to feel betrayed by this person you sort of, kind of know.

Do you reach out? Do you try to re-friend them only to risk being rejected twice? Do you straight up ask them, hey, what the hell happened here?

The course of action depends mostly on who you are as a person, and also how much this acquaintance really means to you, but nonetheless, finding out you have been defriended by someone stings.

Even in cases where it might be warranted, such as an ex love, or a friend who you have had a falling out with, someone you know who doesn’t want to see your face anymore, and with good reason, it still kinda hurts. It’s a finite ending to your friendship effectively.

It’s funny when you think about it, but this is the world we live in now! Cyber space friending and defriending is real life, and it hurts when someone actively chooses to shut you out of their life, whatever the reason.

In reality who knows if it was something personal or simply someone trying to scale back their friend list and clean up their news feed. You never know. It’s so silly that we can put so much meaning and drama to something so abstract and unreal though.

For me it is simply a test of the universe to see if I am perhaps too attached to my social media. So when I noticed this week that an acquaintance had defriended me, after my initial, “BUT WHY????” paranoia wore off, I calmly told myself it did not matter why, the whole thing was irrelevant, because real life is all that actually matters, and in real life, I know if I saw this person again we would talk, laugh, and be just fine, no matter what the defriending scenario was that occurred.

It’s too easy to get caught up in the unreal reality that social media creates these days, but I think the key is to remember that none of it actually matters. What matters is real life, and how you act and treat people that you encounter in your real world every day. If you know you treat people with kindness and respect (which if you do that in your everyday life, it should translate into your online persona too), then you will know you have nothing to be concerned about. It is important to remember that social media can be a great extension of who you are, but it shouldn’t become you, and it definitely shouldn’t be something that you let play with your emotions. Reserve your reactions for real life, because that is what is actually real.

Food for thought!

– Christine

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A few weekends ago I went to go see a psychic. She was recommended to me by a friend, and I’m an ever curious soul, so I went.

Now when you think of a psychic, a lot of things may come to mind. This lady was none of those things, lol. She lives in a condo in Affton that has Christmas decorations on every square inch of her house and patio. She was 75 years old, and when I went she was rather sick and was coughing a lot. My first thought was to notice everywhere she touched as I didn’t want to catch any germs. However that idea didn’t last long as she demanded I give her my phone so she could be in control of the recording. She also then had tarot cards that she handed me, so quickly I gave in to the fact that I was going to get sick.

I shuffled the cards a bit while she asked me about my birthday and the birthdays of anyone I had questions about. From their birthday she calculated their numerology life path numbers. I am a 1. I knew this going into the session, however, according to astrology I have had many past lives so I had questions around how I could possibly be a 1. Her response was that I’ve had no past lives, that I’m just a baby and as a 1 this was going to be my hardest and toughest life. She went on to say that the only thing that would make me happy in this life would be to find the right man, settle down and have babies.

As someone that has been very independent in life and who has never aspired to have children… this description of how I achieve happiness did not sit well with me. I told her my plan that I would like to be a life coach some day and she told me that I’d never have the experience in this life to do that. More cringe worthy feels to my insides. This visit was going no where along the lines of what I expected.

Then she had me start pulling cards and started rattling off a long list of things. I’ll meet a man, a light skin man, light hair, light eyes, that was coming up and there was no energy good or bad around it. I would be getting a promotion within 7 days, 7 weeks, or 7 months. There was another man, with an energy of 8, perhaps a Leo, who has strong energy around me. Debbie was of importance and I’d hear on that within 10 days. Then a 4 came up, she said I’d be single 4 more years. She said many things.

Then she finished and told me to ask her questions. Coming into the reading I had prepared 10 questions that were, looking back, way too random. I should have focused on questions about what she had just told me. I asked my questions though and some she just couldn’t answer. I could tell that she could tell that I was disappointed though, so she kept trying to focus on my love life and what I could do. Which I guess is normally why women go see a psychic but my reasoning had hardly anything to do with love.

When I left, I honestly felt very defeated and as though I had just wasted $50 to have someone dash all my hopes and dreams. However, in the weeks since I have ruminated on what she said and I have begun to see the deeper meaning behind it all.

First and foremost, my terribly hard life path that I should have as a 1, I can see that while my life could have been much worse, my luck as an Aquarius with Pisces rising has done a great job of turning my challenges in life into beautiful moments. The comment about Debbie? A day later I found out my Aunt Debbie was coming home, 10 days from the reading. I also will be getting a promotion, I’m not sure when, but my guess is that it could very well be 7 months from now, as that is when we have employee reviews. The energy of the man with an 8, I have no doubt relates to a long time ex of mine. I had talked to him recently and so I could see his energy still being around me.

As for me being a life path of 1… it took me a while to accept this, but I’m slowly beginning to. My thinking is that perhaps this is my soul’s first life on Earth… but possibly not it’s first life in the universe. Maybe that’s how this all works? I know I came into this world with certain energies based on events of lives past, I simply feel that to be true. Whether it was my souls energy or last onto me through my parents or some other way though, who can say.

Anyways, I eventually made my peace with the psychic words, but it will be a long time before I venture to go see her again. However, as a client of hers now I can call her anytime to ask about the compatibility of anyone I meet based on their birth date. I appreciate that open line of questioning. Solid business plan from the psychic. Lol.

Happy Sunday all!

– Christine

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, let’s just get that out there first thing. I’m irritated by several situations at the moment, the least of them being the fact that my ex boyfriend is seeing someone new, maybe, I don’t even really know I’m just intuitive AF, and have a sense about these things. I’m over him. In fact, a psychic just this weekend told me how completely wrong he is for me, and my only thought was yes, I concur. HOWEVER, upon seeing him befriend a new woman on Facebook this weekend, I lost my shit, because I DON’T KNOW WHY!!! Why does this still bother me? Why can’t I bring myself to de-friend him on FB so I can stay less informed about these kinds of things?? Why, when I know I deserve so much more than he is capable of giving, do I still think about him at all???

This is just my most recent ex boyfriend. I can’t even go into the shit storm of emotions that I still have around the first love of my life. Which that was almost 10 years ago. We only dated for 2 years, but yet every few months we still chit chat and catch up on life, and inevitably once every so often one of us will bring up unresolved feelings that we still have for the other and just put it out there with no intent of anything actually coming of it. It’s great. Very healthy for my mental well being, let me tell you.

Not to mention the men who never really mattered to me that still feel the need to check back around with me like clock work, who I’ve learned to just ignore, because if I didn’t have feelings for them the first time around, I’m not going to develop them now.

Do I have a permanent “Please fuck with me emotionally!” sign taped to my back that I’m not aware of???

AHHHHHHHHHHH

Everything I know about life tells me that I only have all these unresolved feelings around things because I still have something to learn from these people in my life, but it would be really great if life could give me some pointers on what these lessons still left to be learned were.

Then again, block and delete is a message I can recognize, yet I don’t have the heart to do that yet.

Lesson 1: Be more heartless. Working on it.

Lesson 2: Don’t look back. Working on it.

…. The psychic this weekend also let me know I’d be single another 4 years…. WHICH IS FINE, but perhaps that’s why I’m just so fucking over love and anything remotely to do with it at the moment. (And no, I’m not taking the word of a psychic for solid life advice, but I will take it with a grain of salt.)

Most days I am perfectly content with my life, single or attached, I love me, and I know that’s all I need. Then some days an ex resurfaces in my life and makes me question every choice I’ve ever made in my major relationships. Then some days are the day before Valentine’s day and I just want to rant about how much emotional drama I still feel for my ex boyfriends who still have tiny slivers of my heart that I feel like I’m missing.

Emotions aside now.

This isn’t about any person… but me.

When I focus on myself I do fine.

When I take precautions against things that cause me to have irrational emotions I do better.

Lesson learned.

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and life moves on.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY EVE EVERYONE!

– Christine

 

 

Over the weekend I saw the new film, “I Am Not Your Negro” which is the story of race in modern America as written by James Baldwin with his unfinished novel, Remember This House.

The movie left a number of lasting impressions on me, that I want to share.

First off, the tale of oppression and murder that permeates James Baldwin’s tale, were sadly way to reminiscent of events that are still happening in our communities today. What struck me as even worse, was that in the time of Baldwin’s writings primarily the 50-60’s, there almost seemed to be more hope, and more leadership on the civil rights front of race equality than there is now. As my friend Niki and I discussed this after the movie, we both concurred that it almost seemed like any steps forward were almost assured to lead to lack of further progression down the road, because people think their work is done and then stop leading the fight.

Sadly, the truth is that this fight will never end in our lifetime. The subtle prejudices and racism that has infiltrated the minds of the white American population is not going away any time soon. The inability for the white population to admit its own privilege over every other race, is the cornerstone of the issue, as I see it. Until more people can come to understand the ways that white privilege has created a monstrous class of completely unaware people who are constantly unconsciously asserting their privilege over the well being of other human beings, until we can all recognize this fact and work to change this ill minded belief… then we will be stuck in this viscous and hate filled cycle, which only serves to bring down all of humanity.

In the movie Baldwin stated how whites seemed to be filled with so much hate that it had closed them off to feel any apathy of the heart towards the African American struggle. This line really stuck with me, because it has always been my belief that if we can simply shift back towards heart centered living, then that is how we begin to unite in love to overcome our perception of inequality towards one another. The more that we are able to live from our hearts and have love and compassion for all, the closer we are to solving our problems that result from one group thinking they are above another.

I suppose Baldwin’s line on apathy stuck out to me mostly because it was in that moment that I began to gain a sense of the pure hatred that is actually directed at people of color for no apparent logical reason. I’ve always been on the optimistic side, but as a white woman it was easy for me to be in that place, because I have never been on the side of being hated and oppressed by half of your country for no good reason. Slowly over the past few days, I have attempted to put myself in that place, and I have to say, it has brought me to a much somber more realistic view of the situation that we are facing today. I no longer look at it with optimism that a heart centered revolution is ALL we need. Yes, that is what we need, but we need so much more than that, so much that I can now see why the fight to equality is so overwhelmingly hard for African American people to continue to bear on their own.

This morning I came across this video on Facebook with this poem by Danez Smith. Given my most recent revelation and understanding of the African American’s true struggle, I found this post to be very appropriately timed.

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To know that my race has caused a whole separate race so much pain and suffering… because of our own fear and ignorance… is truly heart wrenchingly painful. To make any human being feel that their existence is less for ANY reason is not only wrong but it’s irresponsible towards the fate of humanity.

When I take all of this in, and try to make sense of what this means for me and the lives of those around me… the conclusion that I come to is that the best thing that I can do right here and right now is to continue living from my heart. To continue seeing people as human beings versus a color or a religion. To continue to embrace the idea that we are all one, and what I do to my fellow man, thus I do to myself. The more I lead with that idea in my own life, the more I begin to truly embody the spirit of equality, the more I can stand to be a true representative of hope for a better future for all.

Not only that, but that I also must stand up at every given opportunity and fight the hate and oppression that continues to exist in our world. I must stand up for the betterment of humanity, and fight for equality for all in every situation that I encounter in my life. Together, we must all start to do this. We cannot sit idle and let these injustices continue to happen right before our eyes everyday. For when our fellow human is hurt, when they are made to feel less, when they are made to feel as though God has forgotten them, and this world holds no love in its heart for them… that is the moment hate climbs into our world and takes away all of our hope for humanity.

We can ascend to greatness together… or we will not ascend at all. The choice is ours, and it’s high time we all start to realize that we can only move forward in humanity when we chose to do so as equals.

God bless,

– Christine