StLSass

Posts Tagged ‘pain

We all have issues and fears in our lives that stem from the events of our childhood. That is the condition of life. Unlearning the unknown fears of our pasts in order to stop the cycle of pain that they keep us in. That is true growth in life. I have talked openly before about having a fear of intimacy, which is a combination of the fear of abandonment and the fear of rejection. This deep seeded fear in my life stems from the events of my childhood.

My parents divorced when I was five years old, and my fears of abandonment, I believe, stem from the events surrounding my parents divorce. While both of my parents went above and beyond to be the best parents that they could be, nothing they could have done could stop the fact that I subconsciously felt abandoned by them in some way.

My fear of rejection stems from the sexual abuse that I went through, where I was constantly subjected to an abuser who rejected me publicly, but preyed on me privately. That not only created a constant feeling of being of rejected, but it also created a deep rooted feeling of worthlessness within me that, to this day, I find very hard to shake off at times.

While I have acknowledged these issues, their complications, and how they have shaped my life, I realized yesterday that I still have a lot of pain from these things that I have not yet fully embraced. You see, we are beings that are wired to run from painful situations, and to adapt in ways that keep us from ever really feeling our pain. However, those adaptions eventually start to manifest specific lessons in our life which are meant to bring us to the point where we can finally admit that the adapted version of ourselves, is not as great as the true version of ourselves, and bring us to the place where we are ready and willing to face the pain of our pasts once and for all. Another great gift of life, we are continuously being given opportunities to improve to be our best selves. HOWEVER, many times those lessons require truly diving into and FEELING our deep seeded childhood pains, and only through this process can we emerge from our cocoons to be the bright butterflies that we are.

In figuring myself out lately, I have noticed that I very much have anger and control issues. It was in trying to figure out the anger side that I brought myself to the point of realization that it was perhaps fueled by childhood pain. After continuing to think it through, it became increasingly obvious to me that I still have a lot of pain that has yet to be physically felt and released. So yesterday I sat, and for a minute I concentrated on that pit in the bottom of my stomach that comes up when I begin to think about certain parts of my childhood, the painful parts. I focused on that pain, and as it became heavier and heavier, I started to cry. Not just a weeping cry, no, as I continued to forge into the pain of my soul, I started bawling a river of tears. It was painful. Gut wrenchingly painful.

I thought about my parents and how mad I was at them for “abandoning” our family. I have never really acknowledged it to myself, but last night in my pain, I found myself so incredibly angry and in sort of this child like “Why would you do this to me??” fit of rage and pain. I continued to cry, and breathe, and sit in the pain for as long as my easily distracted mind could handle. When I started to get side tracked with other thoughts, I pushed myself back in the pain, since it was so readily available to me yesterday (due to the current planetary alignments). As I continued to sit there, I began to really understand some of the pain that I had.

I began to understand that I felt so sad and alone because I felt like no one really knew me.  When I really dug into why I felt as though no one really knew me, I began to realize it was because I felt that my mom never really knew me. I saw that my anger stemmed out of my lack of a relationship with my mother, because I felt as though I couldn’t open up to her as a child. My innate reaction as a child was to always pretend everything was fine, and to never talk about my feelings… because deep down, what I was feeling was abandoned.

What I later realized is that what triggered this avalanche of pain and feeling was actually Mother’s Day. I had a wonderful day with my mom on Mother’s Day. I actually had something I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell her or not, but as the day went on, I felt more and more at ease, and so I eventually told her. She did her mom thing, and was able to break through the wall that I always keep up that everything is okay, and she got to my truth. So what I finally realized yesterday as I worked my way through all of this pain, is that my mother has always been there for me. She has done so much for me, all in the name of being a loving and supportive mother. She was always there, she never abandoned me. My feeling of abandonment was created by my own mind as a child when for whatever rhyme or reason I decided that my mother was no longer my ally, or my confidant, or my rock, and I began to shut her out of my life. I am the one who created my own sense of abandonment by isolating my true self from my mom.

As I came to that moment of realization, that I had created this strained relationship with my mother all on my own, the phrase “I chose this life” began to set in with me.

With all of my study into astrology and my soul’s purpose and mission in this lifetime, I have come to a great understanding, which is that my soul chose this exact journey for me to learn everything I needed to learn while I am on earth. The experiences that I have grown from, experienced pain from, and found joy in, were all put in my path to further my soul’s journey. I have come to understand that I truly did chose this life path for myself. So when I felt those words come up, “I chose this life”, I just continued to repeat those words out loud, to really let that sink into my soul.

Here I am writing this the next day, and I just had the realization that this whole experience is quite literally me uncovering one of the greatest masks of my ego. It is me  coming to an understanding of how the story of what I told myself as a child vs the reality of what was actually happening, shaped my misguided belief system that kept me from enjoying the pure love and light that both of my parents have always had for me, and in turn kept me stuck in my own self created world of pain and hurt. A pain that was so deep that rather than feel it, and learn from it, I have spent many years running from it, pretending I was okay, which only served to further the cycle of pain.

Funny thing pain is like that. When we tell ourselves that we are okay, and that we are fine, when we are in fact in pain, we then are essentially creating a place for that pain to live. We give that pain life. Our life thus attracts more pain, because that is the vibe that we are sending out into the world. We drag out our own pain when we don’t face it head on. However, when we do embrace it, feel it, let it hurt, and let it out… then we learn our truth behind that pain, and then we begin to understand it. Once we understand it, we can learn from it… and finally move on and be done with that it!

The only way out is through.

There are no shortcuts in life growth.

We all must learn to stop being afraid of pain.

We should welcome it with open arms.

Sit with your pain.

FEEL it.

Let it hurt.

Let it make you mad.

Scream.

Cry.

Be sad.

Then understand what exactly it is that is making you sad.

Once you get deep into that pain, it becomes easier to see what it is that is truly the problem.

Continue asking yourself why, until you have your answer.

It will come.

“As I stand in a puddle of tears, I give thanks; for without pain, I would not grow.” – @j.ironword

Give thanks. You are exactly where you chose to be on this journey of life.

You chose this life.

The sooner we all understand that we are not victims of our circumstances, but rather the creators of our destiny; the sooner we can flip that switch and realize our amazing power to achieve anything we desire in this world comes through our ability to face our own pain and grow our way through it.

Sending so much light and love to you all this week. There is a lot of active energy going on in the world right now, and I hope that you all take that extra energy and use it to confront some of your own pain… and that through that you find great healing, so you are able to better shine your light. Our world needs your light right now. We need to stop furthering the pain. It is time.

❤ Christine

Advertisements

Real talk: My legs are a bit unsteady since they are plated together, full of metal rods, and uneven. (Which if you want to read about you can do so here.) It’s fine, I can walk, I can do everything I want to do at this point in life, however, my legs for sure have an expiration date. Within 5-10 years I will need a hip replacement in both hips, those currently last for about 10 years… so I’m in no hurry to get those done. My one knee has also been bothering me a bit more lately. So with all of this, and just general getting older, I’ve been starting to feel these aches and pains a bit more than normal lately. Over the past few weeks, with moving, and everything going on, all of it has been a bit sore. I stopped playing volleyball because indoor is just too rough on me. I told myself I would just take it easy, but volleyball is my love… I do not know how to take it easy, nor do I want to, not for now at least. It’s okay, I will pick it back up with sand in the summer. Life will go on.

My point: I am grateful my legs even work and I am alive, but some days they are still a bit janky and it can be painful to do things… like walk or move a lot.

At least that’s how I used to feel, until I got my new special shoes, KLOMPEN!!!

FullSizeRender

These amazing shoes came from my friend Rachel, who got them in the Netherlands where this type in particular is used by gardeners and farmers, while working outside. Slowly the wooden insole forms to your foot and is recommended by orthopedics. Which, would explain why when I put them on, my step is pain free!

I am so excited, I have been coming home from work each day, putting on the klompen and been klomping all over my house. I sound like a horse trotting through the house, I can’t even lie. It has been amazing for my legs though!

Anyways, that’s my excitement for the day, my legs don’t hurt when I wear my special klompen shoes, if your legs hurt, maybe you should give them a try! 🙂

Sincerely,

– Christine, Klompen Fanatic

A person very close to me in life had his heart shattered this week when he found out his fiance was leaving him.She had become close with someone else, someone my friend knew and had suspected of being too close for a long time. He had asked his fiance repeatedly to stop contacting this person, and questioned why she felt the need to include him in everything in their life. She never had a good response other than that they were just friends, and it wasn’t a big deal. Which maybe it wasn’t… until she decided she wanted to be with this other person. Something she perhaps knew all along, if she had only stopped to actually listen to her heart.

As someone who spent the majority of 2016 feeling heartbroken, my heart ached especially hard for my friend when I heard this news. I know the pain and mental anguish that he is feeling right now, and will undoubtedly be feeling for the next few months. I know the feelings of self doubt and inadequacy that will fill his head as he wonders what he could have done differently. I know that his ability to open himself up and trust someone again is going to take a lot more strength the next time around. However, I also know that he will hopefully learn a great lesson from all of this. I know that he will find new focus and direction in his life, and ultimately end up in a better place. I know that he will come out better on the other side, eventually.

When I look at this heartbreak and my own, I do see a common theme though: Understanding and Communication. In my own experience I lacked the ability to understand my own feelings enough to be able to communicate them to my partner. I am someone who focuses mostly on external factors in life, so without realizing it, I tend to project my own short comings onto other people as if it is their problem, and not mine. That is the M.O. my external seeking personality has come up with as a way for me to be able to figure out my problems, because the only way I will notice the problem is if I think it’s someone else’s problem. It took me a long time to understand that, and it was only after I pushed my love away that I was forced to take a long look at myself and see that the problem was actually me.

When I think about my friend’s fiance, I know her and I are very similar in nature, and I can only guess, but I feel that she too could not see that her own inability to communicate her true feelings is what drove her to feel somewhat alone in their relationship. After spending enough time in that place, it became easier for her to seek out another person to fill that void rather than to face the hard work of figuring out herself and her own imperfections, and communicating those issues to her partner. Because that’s what real love does, it brings out our biggest imperfections and puts them front and center in our life to finally deal with. I guess in a way it’s nice that life waits until we have a partner to lean on in order to deal with those bigger issues. However, it’s not nice in that we don’t have more of a heads up that this major test is headed our way. A test I feel that many people don’t understand until it gets the better of them and they give up before they make it through to the other side.

It is easy to fall in love with someone. It is not easy to maintain and grow in love. True love requires patience, with yourself and with your partner, as you navigate both of your short comings and imperfections. It requires commitment to each other as you figure out those challenges within yourself and work to overcome them. It requires great understanding and communication. Your partner is there to help you, to show you things you can’t see on your own, to be the light at the end of the tunnel when it gets really hard to keep pushing forward, but only if you trust them enough to truly let them in to do so. Love is one of the greatest gifts this world has to offer. However, we would never really appreciate the depth of that gift if we didn’t have to work really hard for it.

To anyone out there going through heartbreak right now, first off, I just want to reach out and give you a big hug. Secondly, I want to tell you that through this pain you will learn and you will grow, and you will end up more ready for that true love that is out there waiting for you. Some love comes into our life to teach us a lesson that we need in that moment, and once that lesson has been taught that love fades away in order to give room to a greater love that was always out there waiting for us. I truly believe this. To anyone that is struggling in love right now, I want to encourage you to look within and be honest with yourself about what it is that you want and need in your life. Be honest with your partner and communicate those feelings. Together you will be able to better figure out if your relationship is the right one for both of you or not, and if it is, your love for one another will bring you the strength that is needed in order to overcome the challenges you are facing. To anyone that has weathered the storms with their partner and succeeded in growing in love for one another, to you I say congratulations. You have achieved one of the greatest things in life, and while you will most certainly continue to face challenges in life, you can rest a little easier knowing you will not have to face them alone.

Stay strong beautiful souls, and be assured that love is out there for you. Through the darkness we will find the light. ❤

– Christine