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Posts Tagged ‘meditation

Last night marked the beginning of what I can feel is going to be an incredible journey for my life.

I hosted a Vision Board class in my home last night. For those not familiar, a vision board can be many things, but it’s purpose is to create a concrete visual of the goals, dreams, and energies that you want to attract in your life. When we have something with those things on it, where we can look at it everyday, and remain focused on what it is that we truly want in our lives, it adds to the power and momentum which is required to bring those things to fruition in our lives.

On a whim, a month or so ago, I decided that I wanted to do a vision board class. I honestly didn’t know what to expect, or how it was going to shape up, but I knew that the New Moon brings the perfect energy for manifesting goals and intentions, so I set the class for the next New Moon, created a Facebook event, invited everyone I knew, and waited to see what happened.

As time drew closer I started researching the energy of this specific New Moon, which was in Taurus. Reading about the patient, grounded energy that Taurus brings, and how it can help us to figure out where we really want to focus our time and attention in life, I knew that the class was going to have all of the energy and exact vibes that I was looking for it to create, both for myself, and for others. It truly all came together very nicely.

Teaching the class last night taught me two things about myself: 1) While I have resisted following in my mother’s footsteps of teaching thus far in my life, there IS in fact an inner kindergarten teacher inside of me who absolutely loves to create fun, inspirational, and crafty learning experiences for people. And 2) There is totally an inner guru inside of me who loves explaining the energy currents, leading meditations, and inspiring people to think outside the box.

I’ll be honest, I have so many ideas and dreams about what I want to do in this life, and lately I have been feeling a bit lost as to what it is I TRULY want to do. What is my core mission? What do I want to focus on? I have been asking myself those questions for the past few weeks trying to figure that out. The answer I have been getting is that I want to inspire people. Which, is great, but what does that mean? What does that look like?

Last night I learned what that looks like. It looks like me directing a group of very smart, inspired, forward thinking women on how to work with the current energies of universe in order to best visualize and set their focus and intentions for the month ahead. My strengths lie in three key areas: 1) Socializing/Networking 2) Planning/Organizing and 3) Outside the Box Thinking. When you combine all of those with the goal of wanting to inspire people… you get one bad ass vision board class teacher. 🙂

I definitely don’t think that vision boarding is where this stops either. It is a great class, and I will definitely be doing it again, probably on a monthly basis actually. However, what last night really showed me is that I am on exactly the right track with what I want to do with my life. I felt alive last night in the best way possible. Now all I want is to help everyone else in the world feel that same way, which is exactly what I was put here to do.

I. Can. Not. Wait!!!!

Here are some of the finished products of last night:

Visions

Stay blessed all,

– Christine

 

 

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I know I’m getting pretty behind on my daily writing, however, I’ve been stuck in this weird limbo feeling for the past two weeks as I’ve been waiting to hear back on a situation. I don’t want to talk about it until I know it’s really happening, so because I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve basically not been wanting to really talk about anything. That’s a pretty lame excuse for not writing though, so really I just need to stop letting myself get dissuaded by excuses.

As I have mentioned, I am currently taking classes in Kabbalah which help me better understand the mind and the ego. It’s been extremely transformative for me in terms of understanding my own responsibility in all of my reactions to things in life.

More than that, Kabbalah has taught me a deeper understanding for the universe and the fundamental explanation of why we are in the energetic climate that we are currently experiencing, and what I can do personally in order to better humanity.

Check out this week’s post from Kabbalah Student, Billy Phillips. The video at the end absolutely blew my mind, because I not only understood and believed it to be true, but I felt it was true in my soul. The purpose of all of creation and how we achieve utopia and peace on earth is explained in the video. Which to think that we are in the moment in time where this information is now being disseminated to the masses and a global awakening IS in fact happening… is mind blowingly awesome.

The energy of the world right now is slowly shifting towards realization that we are all one, and what we do to another, we do to ourselves. As we become aware of this, it is my belief that we will rapidly see our world shift towards a place centered in love and peace. Love for all our fellow man kind, just as we love ourselves. Those in positions of power who have been driven by greed and corruption for so long will even be converted to love. The power structure currently in place IS coming down. Trust in that, and know that incredible, amazing, things are starting to happen in our world. We are alive during the conscious awakening of the world, and if we focus on our own awakening and learning during this time we will reap incredible benefits and rewards almost immediately within our lives.

Such an incredible time to be alive.

Sit on that information for a minute and then think about what you are doing to discover and unleash your own gifts to the world right now. Is your path rooted in love? Love of self, and love for your fellow man? That is what your aim should be. To live in love, by following the pull of your heart. Heart centered living. This is the only path forward to true happiness in life.

Not sure how you do this? Start by tuning into your heart. Meditate. Quiet your mind. Tune into your heart. This is the starting point for anyone who is ready to start living the best life they can possibly lead. When you quiet your mind and listen, your heart will guide you to the answers that you need.

If you are in the St. Louis area, and would like to learn how to better focus and meditate, I highly recommend checking out this group, SahajaYoga Meditation, they have a great explanation of meditation, followed by a guided meditation. If you regularly attend their classes (which are free!!) they are very helpful in starting one’s journey with meditation.

If you are in another location, you can check out the main website for Sahaja Yoga Meditation to locate groups worldwide. Classes are free everywhere, as the founder of SahajaYoga, Shri Mataji Nirmala Devi says, “Truth cannot be sold, it cannot be purchased”, it is just to be experienced and enjoyed.

Enjoy the truth my friends. Connect with your inner divinity, and live from your heart.

God bless,

– Christine

 

In case you missed the message of my last post, we are all slowly starting to realize that we are not actually free. So what does that mean? It means we are the forefront of a revolution. A revolution of consciousness. Man has created a network that was meant to enslave the masses. Man started with good intention, and built a world that created a world which has brought us to this moment. Which was quite far. However, man could only take us so far before his dominant quest to conquer the world turned into what we now see today. A world of chaos and disorder. A country divided. A world that doesn’t know how to love. This is the moment… where the consciousness steps in, and wakes us up, all of us, Finally.

If you are paying attention, and listening to your soul, you feel this. You know that our government is no longer serving the people, we can see this as our President signs orders that directly violate our constitution. You know that when hate, corruption, and greed, drive all of our policies.You know it when they try to take away science and reason. Meditation is no longer just something hippies do, no, it’s something people of intelligence do. Spirituality no longer means that you must answer to a religion, no, it means you are getting in touch with your inner guide. Our understanding of the system of oppression is changing as we are starting to open our eyes and see what is really going on. We are oppressed. WE are not FREE.

However, we do have rights. We have inalienable rights guaranteed by our forefathers, who set out with pure intentions in their heart to make this the land of the free, and home of the brave, because without courage and bravery in the face of the scary and unknown… we will not be free.

This was always part of the plan. The world works on a system of balance. We are at the edge of destruction… but do not fear. The creator, God, the Beauty of the Universe and it’s grand balancing scales, are about to be reset.

We are now consciously aware of the power struggle that is going on at an elite level, as we can see it loud and clear living out right now in our day to day lives of chaos and disunity.

This must change.

This change requires our conscious participation.

This change does not require violence, it requires peace, and calm.

This change requires people to understand their own limitations that have been holding them back in life, and thus depriving this world of their precious gifts and talents.

This change requires us to admit our own faults, and agree to work on them.

This change happens… when we all work on ourselves.

This change happens when we resolve all of our own issues within and return to being spiritual beings capable of radiating light and love.

As we heal ourselves, as we look within and advance our own consciousness, the consciousness of our world, will follow.

This is our path forward. Global conscious awareness is the next phase of man kind. As we usher in the ultimate all knowing beings that reside within each of us… then that is when we achieve peace on Earth.

We are at an incredible time of human life.

The Enlightenment Period.

How. Fucking. Cool.

– Christine

 

 

Many of you may think that my decision to quit drinking is something that I just decided to do one day after a terrible night out or something. However, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I first recognized that drinking wasn’t doing me any good about 2 years ago. I recognized it was an issue, but I wasn’t ready to actually stop. After I became aware of the negative ways that drinking was affecting my life, slowly but surely, I began to stop getting any kind of enjoyment from drinking. The day after Christmas 2016 I woke up only to have a vague memory of driving myself home, and that was it for me. I reached my zero tolerance level for myself. No longer did drinking offer any enjoyment, no, all it did was make me a danger to myself and those around me, and that was finally crystal clear to me. That was my A-ha moment. Since making that mental shift, it has become easy for me to dismiss my ego when that little voice creeps in with “Well, one drink won’t hurt..” Yes it will. I’ve proven it time and time again, and I’m done tempting fate. There is no point.

Tonight in my Kabbalah class we learned about the three stages of Transformation, and it hit home with me not only about drinking but about all the changes I am trying to make in life. I thought it was very interesting and wanted to share it with you all. To summarize, the three stages of transformation are:

  1. Obliviousness with a want for change: In the beginning you are oblivious to whatever issues you have within yourself that need to change. You can’t see the exact problem you may have but you start to know you want to change something. Once you know you want to change, slowly you will start to become aware of your behavior/thoughts/beliefs that are in fact not serving your highest good. At the point of awareness you move into the second phase…
  2. Awareness, and Enjoyment: Once you become aware of what your issues are, rarely do they immediately change. People are drawn to things that bring them enjoyment, so your behavior is bringing you some level of enjoyment or else you wouldn’t be doing it to begin with. The key to this phase is that as we become more and more aware of why our behavior is ultimately not serving our highest good, slowly it looses any feelings of enjoyment for us. Until finally we reach…
  3. Zero Tolerance: The a-ha moment. Once we make the mental shift to a belief of zero tolerance for our behavior we will reject that behavior going forward. That’s just human nature. Once we recognize that something does not bring us enjoyment, we will no longer have a want to continue with it. That’s when total transformation occurs.

I found it very enlightening to think of change in this format. The key factor is awareness. For me the key factor after awareness, is not to get lost in beating yourself up for continuing to make the same mistake even after you are aware that it is a problem. We are all human and we all have our issues, so don’t beat yourself up about it, work hard to understand it. As our teacher explained last night, it really comes down to figuring out what enjoyment you are still deriving from making that mistake. Something about it still “feels” good to you so you are going to continue to keep doing it. However, once you understand what it is that you think you are enjoying about it and measure that up to the true negatives of the decision, that is when it usually becomes easy to see that in the end what little fun you are getting from it isn’t worth the pain in the end. And then you change.

Anyways, I thought the lesson tonight was very timely and interesting and I wanted to spread the wisdom around. We are currently experiencing a time when big changes and realizations are more possible than they have been in a long time. I’m big into astrology, and for the next month all of the planets are moving direct, so what that means is that we have all of the positive energy flow that is possible in the universe currently surrounding us and pushing us forward. We are able to have great clarity and much positive energy right now guiding us to follow our biggest dreams and achieve big goals.

So if you have been stuck in phase 2 for awhile now with some decisions, its very possible now is the time that you move into zero tolerance and experience total transformation. Like a caterpillar out of its cocoon, I cannot wait to see the beauty that is about to erupt in our world over the next month!

Blessings to all,

– Christine

 

So this morning one of the first things I saw on Facebook this morning was a video of a former pastor stating how he believes the Bible was in fact not written by Jesus, but by man to manipulate men. He went on to say that he 100 percent believes in God, but that the Bible was not a product of God, but of man. First thought: duh, Jesus didn’t write the bible the apostles wrote the bible. Or something like that right? (My bible study days are a bit foggy at this point in life.) My second thought: duh, this is why religion is not the same thing as spirituality. However, after reading comment after comment from disappointed Christians about how sad it was that this former pastor no longer believed in God (even though he clearly stated that he did still believe in God), I came to the conclusion that today was as good a day as any to explain Religion vs. Spirituality. I hadn’t planned on going this deep so soon, but one cannot fight where the light leads them. 🙂

One of the first things I am quick to clarify with new people in my life is that I am a spiritual person, but I am not religious. How’s that you may ask? Well, I grew up attending private school my whole life, church almost every Sunday, and not just one religion, but a multitude of religions over my life as my mother and father tried to figure out their own religious standings. However, it was not until 2 years ago that I actually came to know God.  13 years of private school education and I found God at 28 while meditating on top of a hill. I had an experience that day where I opened my eyes and I suddenly saw everything around me as one connected orb. I don’t really know how to explain it that well, but in that moment I suddenly knew that God was everything in this universe, every single thing could be broken down into the tiniest of molecules and those molecules were God. This realization changed my life.

After spending a lifetime rebelling against the religion that had been shoved down my throat, I suddenly wanted to know everything there was to know about this God that I had witnessed. Through my quest to find out more about God, I have explored many different “religions” over the past 2 years. At the time I was attending a Unity church, which is what had gotten me into mediation. So I started by expanding my knowledge of meditation. I found a local meditation group that taught the practice of Sahaja Yoga, a meditation (not actual yoga) that explains how to awaken our inner kundalini. To be clear this group is not a religion, but rather a group that teaches a spiritual tool to awaken the energy within our soul and practice a meditation that walks one through understanding what to do as one pulls forth that energy and it works its way through all of our chakras. (I’m not going to attempt to explain it better than that, but if you are interested, I highly recommend googling it.) During my first visit to Sahaja Yoga the teacher spoke about our DNA, and how everything can be broken down to the smallest particle, and that smallest particle makes up everything in this world. That’s when I knew I was in the right place, as that was exactly what my vision on the hill had revealed to me.

From that meditation class, I found another meditation group with a local yogini. She hosted a group meditation where she would walk us deep into our inner minds, and then concluded with a discussion on whatever life topic she had chosen for the week. The talks with yogini were always quite profound, as the group would talk and it seemed everyone had a general understanding of the topic she had picked out for the week. However, then inevitably she would turn the tables upside down on us with her divine wisdom as to why what we all were seeing was in fact not true but rather the product of our limited minds and beliefs. It was here that I learned to open my mind quite a bit and started to question everything.

From there, my spiritual journey, through a string of coincidences (coincidences are one of the ways that the Universe speaks to us FYI), landed me in a class taught by a local spiritual life coach, Jean Walters, over the book “A Course in Miracles”. The course in miracles is a book written by two atheists who say that God directed them to write the book. It has many lessons, but what our course focused on was the work book aspect which is 365 daily lessons on how to break down the thoughts of the ego so that you can start to stop your destructive thoughts and behaviors in the mind before they turn into action. I’ll be honest I have not made it super far into my 365 lessons, but from what I have read, it has helped me shift to a mental understanding that helps me to look at things in the present moment with fresh eyes. Free of judgment and assumptions which are only based on the past. It’s an awesome mental shift to make.

Perhaps due to my newfound ability to see things without assumptions and judgments, I recently decided to take a class on Kabbalah. (Yes, the Madonna religion *sigh*) Now I am new to the study of Kabbalah, so my explanation of it is almost undoubtedly not going to be correct, however, what Kabbalah is to me is a collection of tools and teachings that help a person to better understand their own mind. For instance you have a thought, one has thousands of thoughts throughout the day, but one does not act on all of those thoughts. Kabbalah (again in simpleton terms) is the process of understanding your own process of how you move a thought from thinking to doing. It helps you understand the road blocks in your mind that keep you from doing the things that you wish you were doing, and provides tools to help you stop doing the things that you wish you weren’t doing. That is only scratching the surface of Kabbalah I am sure, but I am excited to continue my classes and learn more about this practice.

So… what’s my point here? Religion is not spirituality. Religion IS man made, and therefore is fallible. All of the various religions that exist are simply one person’s way of trying to explain God, or in some cases just people’s attempt to control other people. In fact, I have come to general guideline for religions, which is that if your religion dictates that I must hate or turn my back on any person because your religion says so… then I do not view that religion as a true dedication to following the God that I know. The God that I know is simply pure love for all. As for spirituality, the definition really says it all:

“Spirituality is a broad concept with room for many perspectives. In general, it includes a sense of connection to something bigger than ourselves, and it typically involves a search for meaning in life. As such, it is a universal human experience—something that touches us all.”

If you take away anything from this, let it be that you are a spiritual being as much as you are a human being, and as such you should seek out your own spiritual journey, whatever that may look like for you. Don’t let religious rules scare you off, take everything with a grain of salt, open your mind, and explore where your heart leads you. A good place to start? Ask the universe to guide you. Ask, and then meditate on the answer. When you clear your mind, the answers will come.

Much love and blessings to you all.

– Christine

For the past few days I have been battling a head cold. Sinuses all congested, coughing, the works. This is the third day of my sickness, and seemingly the worst. However, I was woken up this morning by my dad serving me hot tea and bringing me some vicks vapor rub, so I can’t say it’s been a bad day. I mean I could say it’s been a bad day, but that would really take some extra negative thinking on my part to get to that place.

Sometimes I take for granted that my Aquarius nature gives me a naturally optimistic outlook, but today was not one of those days. Despite my head feeling like its going to explode, I very much saw the good in today. It might be the worst day of this cold, but I had my dad here taking care of me. I’m a lucky girl.

So as I was thinking about what to write about today, the power of positivity came to mind. Did you know that simply smiling in the mornings can set your day up for a more positive outcome? It can, you should try it!

We all hold the power of whether or not we have a good day or a bad day, it is not up to outside forces or circumstances to decide. No matter what happens in a day, you can still choose to look at the situation and see the good in it. Every terrible thing that happens to us in life? Guess what, it happened to teach us a lesson that we need to learn. I found, that when I started looking at life in that way, it became much easier to see the good in everything. It’s not just a hokey saying though, it’s very true. Every situation we encounter in life is sent to teach our soul a lesson that it needs to learn.

So how do we find those lessons? Well first we have to remain positive, and not let a negative outlook defeat us into a place where we just get angry and give up. Secondly, we must pause and reflect, perhaps even meditate or pray on it. Bottom line: we must ask the universe for an answer and then wait. This is the hard part, the waiting. You would be surprised at how quickly an answer can come though. Sometimes almost instantaneously, sometimes it may take days or weeks. Either way, if we remain positive, and continue to pray for an answer.. eventually it will come.

Once you do get an answer, then you have your lesson. Once you really take that lesson to heart and learn it… then life will have no need to continue to send you those same kinds of situations in life. It really is that simple.

So to summarize… what I’m saying is in life, at any time, remain positive. When faced with troubling situations, pause, reflect, ask for the answer to the lesson you have been sent, and wait. You might be surprised at how such simple changes can have lasting impacts.

Blessings to you all,

– Christine

I have been attempting to write a meaningful and impactful blog for approximately 3 months now. I have started and abandoned at least 20 different posts during that time, because nothing I wrote could quite capture the essence of everything that I wanted to say. Mostly because I wasn’t quite certain exactly what it was I was trying to say. You see, I have this vision in my head of how the world is supposed to operate, how society is supposed to function, and how we as people achieve true happiness in life. However, every blog I have started so far has inevitably ended up sounding like I am just bitching at the world about everything that everyone is doing wrong, which is not particularly the direction that my soul wanted to go towards in order to make an impact on the world.

So tonight I am simply going to share my own story and my vision in the hopes that it strikes a chord with people and encourages people to examine their daily beliefs and actions, and evaluate what they can do within their own lives, to achieve that magical happiness that everyone is so desperately seeking in this world right now.

Two years ago, at the age of 26, I found myself in my first adult job, struggling to keep my head above water from all the stress in my life, when I let my emotions get out of control, and I decided to give up on life. I walked into my boss’ office and told her I simply couldn’t do it anymore, and that I sincerely appreciated the opportunity, but I had nothing left in me to continue on. I had already lined up a position with my former employer – a great company that I had worked at for 3 years until I decided that it was time for me to pursue a more challenging career, because I was bored there. Now here I was, failing at the new challenge that I had sought out, fleeing back to the safety of a job that I knew would bring me no internal satisfaction, because hey, at least it was easy…

I left my big girl job that day feeling more defeated and miserable than I had ever felt before in my life. I went home to my apartment and sat on my living room chair in silence, not moving for hours, just screaming at myself in my head trying to figure out just what the hell I was doing. I knew giving up was the wrong decision. I knew that taking the easier option was not going to make me happy. I knew all of this, and after the initial paralyzing fog wore off… I knew I had to fix my mistake.

I called my boss the next morning and told her I had made a huge mistake, and if there was anything that I could possibly do to correct that mistake – I would do it. She agreed to meet me that afternoon and talk. After talking with her that afternoon it became very clear that I was struggling with a number of things in my life, which coupled with the stress from work, had just become too much for me to handle. What my boss was able to show me that day was that this didn’t mean that I wasn’t cut out for my position, it just meant that I needed some help and some guidance on how to better understand not only myself, but life in general. My boss offered me a deal –  I could have my job back if I agreed to start seeing a counselor – someone to help me deal with all of the issues in my life that were clearly limiting my ability to live a happy life. I agreed, I got my job back, and I set up my first session with a counselor.

That is the moment where my life change began.

I have been seeing my counselor for 2 years now, and I have transformed from that girl who was depressed and struggling to make it day to day – to a strong and confident woman who sees no challenge as something too big to overcome. I have to say, it is one of the best feelings in the world knowing that there is nothing in this world that cannot be achieved when you put your mind to it.

Previously, I would let my emotions run rampant and create perceptions that I accepted as reality, which then influenced me to make decisions based on things that weren’t even true. Everyone goes through things in their life that shape their perception of reality. What I learned is that we have to overcome those false ideas and always focus on the facts. Look at what you know to be true, and forget everything else. Assumptions, made up facts, and flat out lies – are easy to see through when you really focus on achieving the truth in every situation.

Once I focused on finding the truth in my life, I found that I had been lying to myself about a lot of things for a long time. As a natural born people pleaser, I always wanted to appear as though everything was great. This behavior led to me never acknowledging things that were in fact not great and not ok in my life. I had unresolved issues going all the way back to my early childhood. There were decisions that I made as a child that I knew were wrong, but I couldn’t see the harm that they were causing, so I lied to myself and convinced myself that it wasn’t wrong and that it wasn’t hurting anyone so it really didn’t matter.

Looking back I can see that those choices and situations that I let myself be a part of… shaped everything about the person who I grew up to be. My issues created a lack of self esteem, a lack of confidence, and a misguided perception of what I deserved in life. I didn’t believe I deserved good things, so I never pushed myself to do better or to make better choices.  I spent my life subconsciously sabotaging myself. With the help of my counselor, I finally confronted those decisions that I had spent a lifetime pretending I didn’t make. I finally dealt with the pain that it had caused me and admitted to myself that it was in fact a big deal, and it did matter. Then after I admitted them to myself, I told my close friends as well. I knew it wasn’t anything that would impact their perception of me, but I had never told anyone these things so until that moment, I never really knew if anyone would ever truly accept the real me.

My friends not only accepted me, but they gave me the support and feedback that I needed in order to know that I was doing the right thing, and that I had nothing to be ashamed of. My shame, my burden, and my guilt all almost completely faded away in that one day. I think of that as the day that my long time depression finally lifted, and I finally felt free to truly be happy.

Coincidentally, that happened right before I went on vacation to Florida for 8 days of R&R on the beach. I spent that vacation in the most serene and relaxed state that I have ever experienced. My mind was clear, my conscious was clear, and I was more relaxed and unburdened than I had ever been.

I came home from that vacation more enthused and ecstatic about life than ever before. I found myself pursuing goals and passions that I had thought about previously, but never had the motivation to go for. I  joined an improv class, I started meditating, I joined a writer’s group, and maybe most importantly… I found God.

After a lifetime growing up with my religious to a fault mother, 14 years of private school, and countless summers spent at vacation bible school – I found God at the age of 28 while I was meditating on top of a hill in Forest Park.  After focusing my mind, finding my mental happy place of calm and relaxation, I opened my eyes… and I just saw God. I suddenly felt his presence in everything around me, I saw his face in the clouds above me, I saw his connection with all of the living things around me, and simply put: I felt the power of God as the Master and Creator of Life. In that one moment everything I had ever known or heard about God the Almighty, God the Great, and God the Omnipotent Power – I suddenly knew it all to be true. I not only knew it all to be true, but I immediately felt a connection to this Greater Energy force, and in that moment, I knew that all the power that I saw around me… was also within me. That moment of realization is hands down the single best moment of my life so far. That is the moment that I realized that there was nothing in this life that I could not conquer.

… That experience is something I may never have achieved if just two years earlier I had let myself give up, taken the easy way out, and never admitted that maybe I needed some help to figure out my life.

Don’t ever be afraid to seek out help. The greatest minds of our time had plenty of help figuring life out. Every person can use a fresh perspective at times to help you see things a little bit different. Perhaps even a little bit clearer.

We live in a time where the easy button is a real thing, and it is incredibly easy to set your life to auto pilot, and just sail through life without ever actually living.

Which is why more than anything else in this world, we HAVE to push ourselves to face the hard truths and do the hard work in order to find our TRUE happiness.

Don’t let life pass you by on easy street.

Find your truth in life. No matter how hard it is to face at first, I promise it will be one of the best things you ever do for yourself.