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Posts Tagged ‘lost

Does anyone really know you? Like, all of you? Every dark secret and hidden truth that has made you who you are. Have you ever admitted all of those things to another person? Have you ever really admitted all of those things to yourself?

Until about 3 years ago, no one really knew me. Not my closest friends, not my family, hell, I barely even knew myself.

You see I had spent the better half of my life, lying to myself. Telling myself that I was okay, when in fact I was far from okay.

That’s just what I knew though. I knew I had to be okay, I had to be strong, I had to be perfect.

After years of keeping up my charade of perfection and lies, even to myself, I finally broke down.

It was a summer night, and I had just spent the evening with all of my closest girlfriends. Most of whom were now married, either with children, or with them on the way. In fact my best friend was pregnant at the time. After spending the evening with my girls, and celebrating everyone’s accomplishment, I went home, alone, to my small apartment.

As I walked into my apartment that night, I closed the door behind me, and then I just crumpled into a ball on the floor and started bawling my eyes out.

Everyone was so happy… but me.

I had so much happiness in my heart for all of my friends, but all it seemed to do was remind me of how unhappy I was with myself.

I sat there and cried for over an hour. I let my pain flow from deep within me, and I cried a river that night… a river of pain straight from my soul.

What I realized in that hour, was that I was upset because no one knew what I had really been though in my life. No one understood me, because I had never been able to be honest with the people in my life. I was too ashamed.

When I finally was able to pick myself up that night, I grabbed my notebook, and started writing. I started writing about how upset I was. I was upset because of what had happened to me in my life, and how I felt that it was my duty to keep my past a secret. Only, I didn’t want to keep this secret anymore. I didn’t want to be unhappy anymore.

Three weeks and one therapy session later, I told my two best friends my truth.

I was sexually abused as a child. I felt responsible for what happened, and therefore resolved to never tell anyone in my life about it. What I went through was confusing, lasted many years, and left me with a very distorted sense of self worth. I never believed that I deserved anything good in life after it. How could I? I was no longer perfect. I was tainted.

What happened when I told my two girlfriends my story, was very unexpected for me. For the first time in my life, I felt free. I felt loved for who I truly am, and I felt relieved.

That was the beginning of my new life. That was the beginning of my journey towards really loving myself.

It has not been totally easy. I had to tell my parents what happened to me. I have slowly told other close friends. And finally there came a time where I had to confront my abuser, and tell him that what happened between us was no longer a secret I was willing to keep. I lost people I was very close to in life because of that.

What happened as I owned my truth though, was that I finally learned to love myself. What happened to me, no longer defined me. I was no longer a victim… I was a survivor.

Slowly, talking about my past has gone from being something that brings me great pain, to something that I can do openly, without tears, without shame, and without guilt. My past no longer dictates my ability to be happy. I owned my past, so that it could stop owning me.

My advice to anyone out there struggling with their own truth, with their own secret past… Talk to someone. Anyone. Do not let your secret destroy you from the inside out, because it will. Don’t let your past steal moments of happiness from your future, you deserve better. The truth can, and will, set you free… so talk to someone, it will be okay.

Much love to you all,

– Christine

BeFree

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Energetically speaking, there is a lot going on in the universe right now.

First off, Venus is retrograde at the moment, which because Venus is the ruler of love and relationships, we may be feeling a bit confused about that area of our lives right now. Conflicted feelings about past relationships could be surfacing as well. I know I have been feeling conflicted things about my previous love, just when I thought I was finally getting over him. I’m not sure what it means, but I am focusing on having patience with my thoughts and focusing on understanding the feelings I still have that are creating them. That way I can find the lesson that still remains to be found there.

The Full Moon in Virgo last night combine with Venus in retrograde is pulling our focus to look within ourselves. To think about who we truly are, what we really value, and what is worth our energy in life. I have been feeling this as well, as lately I have been becoming aware of my scattered energetic efforts to do so much, and the realization that I need to figure out what it is I truly want and then focus all of my energy on that area, instead of trying to do and be everything. I’m a blogger, a comedian, a recruiter, an astrologer, and a healer… but I can’t do all of those things well when I try to be them all, so I need to pick an area and focus.

On top of it all we are in the month of Pisces, so there is so much energy around emotions making us all overly emotional. I have felt this very much lately. I have cried more times this month than I have the past 6 months combined probably. Sometimes over the smallest upsets. I feel like I could cry right now to be honest, and nothing is even really wrong.

The key to navigating all of these strong energies right now, is to focus within. Have patience with yourself, and be aware that your emotions and strong feelings are being brought up now for you to examine them and find the depth of the lessons behind them.

So if you find yourself feeling some of this, just be conscious to take everything with a grain of salt right now. Focus on yourself as you can’t control the world. Give in to the flow of the Universe, and trust in it. Remember you are doing the best you can, and that you are amazing, always.

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Thanks for reading lovelies, have a good Monday!

– Christine