Posts Tagged ‘life path

We all have issues and fears in our lives that stem from the events of our childhood. That is the condition of life. Unlearning the unknown fears of our pasts in order to stop the cycle of pain that they keep us in. That is true growth in life. I have talked openly before about having a fear of intimacy, which is a combination of the fear of abandonment and the fear of rejection. This deep seeded fear in my life stems from the events of my childhood.

My parents divorced when I was five years old, and my fears of abandonment, I believe, stem from the events surrounding my parents divorce. While both of my parents went above and beyond to be the best parents that they could be, nothing they could have done could stop the fact that I subconsciously felt abandoned by them in some way.

My fear of rejection stems from the sexual abuse that I went through, where I was constantly subjected to an abuser who rejected me publicly, but preyed on me privately. That not only created a constant feeling of being of rejected, but it also created a deep rooted feeling of worthlessness within me that, to this day, I find very hard to shake off at times.

While I have acknowledged these issues, their complications, and how they have shaped my life, I realized yesterday that I still have a lot of pain from these things that I have not yet fully embraced. You see, we are beings that are wired to run from painful situations, and to adapt in ways that keep us from ever really feeling our pain. However, those adaptions eventually start to manifest specific lessons in our life which are meant to bring us to the point where we can finally admit that the adapted version of ourselves, is not as great as the true version of ourselves, and bring us to the place where we are ready and willing to face the pain of our pasts once and for all. Another great gift of life, we are continuously being given opportunities to improve to be our best selves. HOWEVER, many times those lessons require truly diving into and FEELING our deep seeded childhood pains, and only through this process can we emerge from our cocoons to be the bright butterflies that we are.

In figuring myself out lately, I have noticed that I very much have anger and control issues. It was in trying to figure out the anger side that I brought myself to the point of realization that it was perhaps fueled by childhood pain. After continuing to think it through, it became increasingly obvious to me that I still have a lot of pain that has yet to be physically felt and released. So yesterday I sat, and for a minute I concentrated on that pit in the bottom of my stomach that comes up when I begin to think about certain parts of my childhood, the painful parts. I focused on that pain, and as it became heavier and heavier, I started to cry. Not just a weeping cry, no, as I continued to forge into the pain of my soul, I started bawling a river of tears. It was painful. Gut wrenchingly painful.

I thought about my parents and how mad I was at them for “abandoning” our family. I have never really acknowledged it to myself, but last night in my pain, I found myself so incredibly angry and in sort of this child like “Why would you do this to me??” fit of rage and pain. I continued to cry, and breathe, and sit in the pain for as long as my easily distracted mind could handle. When I started to get side tracked with other thoughts, I pushed myself back in the pain, since it was so readily available to me yesterday (due to the current planetary alignments). As I continued to sit there, I began to really understand some of the pain that I had.

I began to understand that I felt so sad and alone because I felt like no one really knew me.  When I really dug into why I felt as though no one really knew me, I began to realize it was because I felt that my mom never really knew me. I saw that my anger stemmed out of my lack of a relationship with my mother, because I felt as though I couldn’t open up to her as a child. My innate reaction as a child was to always pretend everything was fine, and to never talk about my feelings… because deep down, what I was feeling was abandoned.

What I later realized is that what triggered this avalanche of pain and feeling was actually Mother’s Day. I had a wonderful day with my mom on Mother’s Day. I actually had something I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell her or not, but as the day went on, I felt more and more at ease, and so I eventually told her. She did her mom thing, and was able to break through the wall that I always keep up that everything is okay, and she got to my truth. So what I finally realized yesterday as I worked my way through all of this pain, is that my mother has always been there for me. She has done so much for me, all in the name of being a loving and supportive mother. She was always there, she never abandoned me. My feeling of abandonment was created by my own mind as a child when for whatever rhyme or reason I decided that my mother was no longer my ally, or my confidant, or my rock, and I began to shut her out of my life. I am the one who created my own sense of abandonment by isolating my true self from my mom.

As I came to that moment of realization, that I had created this strained relationship with my mother all on my own, the phrase “I chose this life” began to set in with me.

With all of my study into astrology and my soul’s purpose and mission in this lifetime, I have come to a great understanding, which is that my soul chose this exact journey for me to learn everything I needed to learn while I am on earth. The experiences that I have grown from, experienced pain from, and found joy in, were all put in my path to further my soul’s journey. I have come to understand that I truly did chose this life path for myself. So when I felt those words come up, “I chose this life”, I just continued to repeat those words out loud, to really let that sink into my soul.

Here I am writing this the next day, and I just had the realization that this whole experience is quite literally me uncovering one of the greatest masks of my ego. It is me  coming to an understanding of how the story of what I told myself as a child vs the reality of what was actually happening, shaped my misguided belief system that kept me from enjoying the pure love and light that both of my parents have always had for me, and in turn kept me stuck in my own self created world of pain and hurt. A pain that was so deep that rather than feel it, and learn from it, I have spent many years running from it, pretending I was okay, which only served to further the cycle of pain.

Funny thing pain is like that. When we tell ourselves that we are okay, and that we are fine, when we are in fact in pain, we then are essentially creating a place for that pain to live. We give that pain life. Our life thus attracts more pain, because that is the vibe that we are sending out into the world. We drag out our own pain when we don’t face it head on. However, when we do embrace it, feel it, let it hurt, and let it out… then we learn our truth behind that pain, and then we begin to understand it. Once we understand it, we can learn from it… and finally move on and be done with that it!

The only way out is through.

There are no shortcuts in life growth.

We all must learn to stop being afraid of pain.

We should welcome it with open arms.

Sit with your pain.

FEEL it.

Let it hurt.

Let it make you mad.



Be sad.

Then understand what exactly it is that is making you sad.

Once you get deep into that pain, it becomes easier to see what it is that is truly the problem.

Continue asking yourself why, until you have your answer.

It will come.

“As I stand in a puddle of tears, I give thanks; for without pain, I would not grow.” – @j.ironword

Give thanks. You are exactly where you chose to be on this journey of life.

You chose this life.

The sooner we all understand that we are not victims of our circumstances, but rather the creators of our destiny; the sooner we can flip that switch and realize our amazing power to achieve anything we desire in this world comes through our ability to face our own pain and grow our way through it.

Sending so much light and love to you all this week. There is a lot of active energy going on in the world right now, and I hope that you all take that extra energy and use it to confront some of your own pain… and that through that you find great healing, so you are able to better shine your light. Our world needs your light right now. We need to stop furthering the pain. It is time.

❤ Christine


Last night marked the beginning of what I can feel is going to be an incredible journey for my life.

I hosted a Vision Board class in my home last night. For those not familiar, a vision board can be many things, but it’s purpose is to create a concrete visual of the goals, dreams, and energies that you want to attract in your life. When we have something with those things on it, where we can look at it everyday, and remain focused on what it is that we truly want in our lives, it adds to the power and momentum which is required to bring those things to fruition in our lives.

On a whim, a month or so ago, I decided that I wanted to do a vision board class. I honestly didn’t know what to expect, or how it was going to shape up, but I knew that the New Moon brings the perfect energy for manifesting goals and intentions, so I set the class for the next New Moon, created a Facebook event, invited everyone I knew, and waited to see what happened.

As time drew closer I started researching the energy of this specific New Moon, which was in Taurus. Reading about the patient, grounded energy that Taurus brings, and how it can help us to figure out where we really want to focus our time and attention in life, I knew that the class was going to have all of the energy and exact vibes that I was looking for it to create, both for myself, and for others. It truly all came together very nicely.

Teaching the class last night taught me two things about myself: 1) While I have resisted following in my mother’s footsteps of teaching thus far in my life, there IS in fact an inner kindergarten teacher inside of me who absolutely loves to create fun, inspirational, and crafty learning experiences for people. And 2) There is totally an inner guru inside of me who loves explaining the energy currents, leading meditations, and inspiring people to think outside the box.

I’ll be honest, I have so many ideas and dreams about what I want to do in this life, and lately I have been feeling a bit lost as to what it is I TRULY want to do. What is my core mission? What do I want to focus on? I have been asking myself those questions for the past few weeks trying to figure that out. The answer I have been getting is that I want to inspire people. Which, is great, but what does that mean? What does that look like?

Last night I learned what that looks like. It looks like me directing a group of very smart, inspired, forward thinking women on how to work with the current energies of universe in order to best visualize and set their focus and intentions for the month ahead. My strengths lie in three key areas: 1) Socializing/Networking 2) Planning/Organizing and 3) Outside the Box Thinking. When you combine all of those with the goal of wanting to inspire people… you get one bad ass vision board class teacher. 🙂

I definitely don’t think that vision boarding is where this stops either. It is a great class, and I will definitely be doing it again, probably on a monthly basis actually. However, what last night really showed me is that I am on exactly the right track with what I want to do with my life. I felt alive last night in the best way possible. Now all I want is to help everyone else in the world feel that same way, which is exactly what I was put here to do.

I. Can. Not. Wait!!!!

Here are some of the finished products of last night:


Stay blessed all,

– Christine



When I am present in any given moment, I notice everything in that moment.

I notice the sounds around me, and what they are telling me about the positioning of all who are in motion around me.

I notice the subtle shift of knowing vs. curiosity in people’s eyes when I talk to them.

I notice the deliberate placement of someone’s gaze vs the haphazard wandering of a thoughtless stare.

I notice the thought that is forming in a person’s mind behind the facade of their inactive listening.

I notice the collective energy vibes of a room, and who is influencing those vibes the most.

I notice the endless depth behind the quietest people… and their silent acknowledgement of my knowing of their secret brilliance when our eyes meet and briefly pierce each other’s souls.

I notice the awkward dance that rests in the air between two people who can’t quite seem to figure out the connection between them.

I notice the subtle change of attitude that some feel necessary to use to distract others when they sense someone is becoming too close.

I notice the little things that people do and the little things they used to do.

I notice when your soul isn’t into something any more.

I notice both the calm and the erratic levels that people are vibing at, based on the zen of the air around them.

I notice when you enter a room, and when you leave it.

I notice you silently working up the courage to speak words to that person you’re really into… especially if that person is me.

I notice people who are turning on the charm vs. those who are naturally charming.

I notice those who are aware consciously aware of the fifth dimension, and those who will never quite grasp it.

I notice when you have ulterior motives behind the words coming out of your mouth.

I notice when you are lying.

I notice when you are trying to manipulate someone into thinking your idea is their idea.

I notice your level of confidence by combining the total of your words, your actions, and your silence.

I notice the subtlety of almost everything.

I notice things because I’m intuitive, perceptive, and judgmental. I’ve developed an ego of kindness which lends itself to being a people pleaser, and as such, I learned very early on to pay close attention to people, and all they were saying and not saying, so that I could use that knowledge to get what I wanted from them or the situation, all while making them think my interest is because I only have their best interest at heart. This is not to say that I don’t have their best interest at heart many times, however, self preservation is most always the name of the game.

It’s lonely at times… noticing everything about everyone… while mostly just wanting someone to notice me… and that I am not really what I pretend to be. I long for someone that looks at me in amazement of all the things I can clearly see, with a knowing that they will never quite be able to figure me out. Which may sound tiresome to most, but I’ve learned my best matches are the ones who love the randomness of my ever changing mind. To those few… the reward is the essence of my free spirited heart. For inside the layers of my brilliant mind, is a simple, fun loving girl, with a curiosity as fierce as the winds of a hurricane… that just wants to laugh and play, and make the most of this playground that is our world. A girl who wants to live at the highest levels of consciousness, where nothing of this world can be taken for granted, as it all serves a divine purpose for our chosen path of learning in life. Her, who will simply always want to be watching and be reveling in the orchestra of life… everyday that she is alive.

So… would you like to take notice with me?

– Christine


Today I wanted to just quickly share a thought that I have about goosebumps or chills. I have noticed over the past few years that any time I am thinking about an idea, or speaking with someone, or listening to something that truly speaks to my soul, I get goosebumps. The other day I was having lunch with a new friend, and as she was speaking I got goosebumps, because the things she was telling me were not only things that I have been through but things that I have learned a lot about overcoming. In that moment I knew it was serendipitous that we had recently became closer as the things that I had learned were going to be able to immediately help her find direction that she was looking for.

My friend/mentor Julie Mues, calls moments like these little God Winks. Whatever you want to call them, those moments have come to be one of my most favorite things in life. They let me know I am onto something good. Those moments where the Universe is just reassuring you that you are on the right path and headed towards the right things in your life. I can even be listening to a song and singing along and as I get to a positive uplifting verse I’ll get chills, because the repetition of that positive message speaks to my truest desires in life.

So I want to urge you to pay attention to those moments in your life. Maybe you don’t get chills, but you get that feeling of utter clarity that you are on the right track. The more  you listen to those moments, the more you will be able to find your true path on this crazy journey we call life. Sometimes you might have an idea that seems kind of crazy or requires a big risk… but you get it with chills and just a knowing behind it that it is what you are supposed to do. Listening to those moments and following your heart are the moments that can make or break us. No true reward is ever gained without taking a risk or making a leap of faith, but if you trust yourself, and know that no matter the risk that you can make it work, then you will succeed!! Believing is Achieving!!

Dream big my babies, its a beautiful world of endless possibilities if you only believe!!

– Christine