StLSass

Posts Tagged ‘life is a gift

We all have issues and fears in our lives that stem from the events of our childhood. That is the condition of life. Unlearning the unknown fears of our pasts in order to stop the cycle of pain that they keep us in. That is true growth in life. I have talked openly before about having a fear of intimacy, which is a combination of the fear of abandonment and the fear of rejection. This deep seeded fear in my life stems from the events of my childhood.

My parents divorced when I was five years old, and my fears of abandonment, I believe, stem from the events surrounding my parents divorce. While both of my parents went above and beyond to be the best parents that they could be, nothing they could have done could stop the fact that I subconsciously felt abandoned by them in some way.

My fear of rejection stems from the sexual abuse that I went through, where I was constantly subjected to an abuser who rejected me publicly, but preyed on me privately. That not only created a constant feeling of being of rejected, but it also created a deep rooted feeling of worthlessness within me that, to this day, I find very hard to shake off at times.

While I have acknowledged these issues, their complications, and how they have shaped my life, I realized yesterday that I still have a lot of pain from these things that I have not yet fully embraced. You see, we are beings that are wired to run from painful situations, and to adapt in ways that keep us from ever really feeling our pain. However, those adaptions eventually start to manifest specific lessons in our life which are meant to bring us to the point where we can finally admit that the adapted version of ourselves, is not as great as the true version of ourselves, and bring us to the place where we are ready and willing to face the pain of our pasts once and for all. Another great gift of life, we are continuously being given opportunities to improve to be our best selves. HOWEVER, many times those lessons require truly diving into and FEELING our deep seeded childhood pains, and only through this process can we emerge from our cocoons to be the bright butterflies that we are.

In figuring myself out lately, I have noticed that I very much have anger and control issues. It was in trying to figure out the anger side that I brought myself to the point of realization that it was perhaps fueled by childhood pain. After continuing to think it through, it became increasingly obvious to me that I still have a lot of pain that has yet to be physically felt and released. So yesterday I sat, and for a minute I concentrated on that pit in the bottom of my stomach that comes up when I begin to think about certain parts of my childhood, the painful parts. I focused on that pain, and as it became heavier and heavier, I started to cry. Not just a weeping cry, no, as I continued to forge into the pain of my soul, I started bawling a river of tears. It was painful. Gut wrenchingly painful.

I thought about my parents and how mad I was at them for “abandoning” our family. I have never really acknowledged it to myself, but last night in my pain, I found myself so incredibly angry and in sort of this child like “Why would you do this to me??” fit of rage and pain. I continued to cry, and breathe, and sit in the pain for as long as my easily distracted mind could handle. When I started to get side tracked with other thoughts, I pushed myself back in the pain, since it was so readily available to me yesterday (due to the current planetary alignments). As I continued to sit there, I began to really understand some of the pain that I had.

I began to understand that I felt so sad and alone because I felt like no one really knew me.  When I really dug into why I felt as though no one really knew me, I began to realize it was because I felt that my mom never really knew me. I saw that my anger stemmed out of my lack of a relationship with my mother, because I felt as though I couldn’t open up to her as a child. My innate reaction as a child was to always pretend everything was fine, and to never talk about my feelings… because deep down, what I was feeling was abandoned.

What I later realized is that what triggered this avalanche of pain and feeling was actually Mother’s Day. I had a wonderful day with my mom on Mother’s Day. I actually had something I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell her or not, but as the day went on, I felt more and more at ease, and so I eventually told her. She did her mom thing, and was able to break through the wall that I always keep up that everything is okay, and she got to my truth. So what I finally realized yesterday as I worked my way through all of this pain, is that my mother has always been there for me. She has done so much for me, all in the name of being a loving and supportive mother. She was always there, she never abandoned me. My feeling of abandonment was created by my own mind as a child when for whatever rhyme or reason I decided that my mother was no longer my ally, or my confidant, or my rock, and I began to shut her out of my life. I am the one who created my own sense of abandonment by isolating my true self from my mom.

As I came to that moment of realization, that I had created this strained relationship with my mother all on my own, the phrase “I chose this life” began to set in with me.

With all of my study into astrology and my soul’s purpose and mission in this lifetime, I have come to a great understanding, which is that my soul chose this exact journey for me to learn everything I needed to learn while I am on earth. The experiences that I have grown from, experienced pain from, and found joy in, were all put in my path to further my soul’s journey. I have come to understand that I truly did chose this life path for myself. So when I felt those words come up, “I chose this life”, I just continued to repeat those words out loud, to really let that sink into my soul.

Here I am writing this the next day, and I just had the realization that this whole experience is quite literally me uncovering one of the greatest masks of my ego. It is me  coming to an understanding of how the story of what I told myself as a child vs the reality of what was actually happening, shaped my misguided belief system that kept me from enjoying the pure love and light that both of my parents have always had for me, and in turn kept me stuck in my own self created world of pain and hurt. A pain that was so deep that rather than feel it, and learn from it, I have spent many years running from it, pretending I was okay, which only served to further the cycle of pain.

Funny thing pain is like that. When we tell ourselves that we are okay, and that we are fine, when we are in fact in pain, we then are essentially creating a place for that pain to live. We give that pain life. Our life thus attracts more pain, because that is the vibe that we are sending out into the world. We drag out our own pain when we don’t face it head on. However, when we do embrace it, feel it, let it hurt, and let it out… then we learn our truth behind that pain, and then we begin to understand it. Once we understand it, we can learn from it… and finally move on and be done with that it!

The only way out is through.

There are no shortcuts in life growth.

We all must learn to stop being afraid of pain.

We should welcome it with open arms.

Sit with your pain.

FEEL it.

Let it hurt.

Let it make you mad.

Scream.

Cry.

Be sad.

Then understand what exactly it is that is making you sad.

Once you get deep into that pain, it becomes easier to see what it is that is truly the problem.

Continue asking yourself why, until you have your answer.

It will come.

“As I stand in a puddle of tears, I give thanks; for without pain, I would not grow.” – @j.ironword

Give thanks. You are exactly where you chose to be on this journey of life.

You chose this life.

The sooner we all understand that we are not victims of our circumstances, but rather the creators of our destiny; the sooner we can flip that switch and realize our amazing power to achieve anything we desire in this world comes through our ability to face our own pain and grow our way through it.

Sending so much light and love to you all this week. There is a lot of active energy going on in the world right now, and I hope that you all take that extra energy and use it to confront some of your own pain… and that through that you find great healing, so you are able to better shine your light. Our world needs your light right now. We need to stop furthering the pain. It is time.

❤ Christine

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I am at a loss today for what to even say today.

Our world is so very clearly messed up.

Corporate greed is annihilating basic human rights.

We have a government dead set on taking us into WWIII.

Billionaires are investing in luxury bunkers at rapid rates.

Are we on the edge of the end? Are we one tip of the scale from the end of the world?

I typically like to keep an optimistic attitude and not pay attention to the news cycles, however, I feel like that has been incredibly hard the past few days.

We have let the power hungry take the reigns to our country, to our lives, and run wild with it.

Now we are somehow at a point where convincing our own people that these power hungry monsters don’t have their best interests at heart is a real thing.

People who have blindly accepted lies as truth their entire lives, so they have no basis for real truth within their lives.

They are easily manipulated, and can’t see that they are losing everything in their life because of their blind trust in the ultimate con men.

Our planet is dying, and yet we are arguing over who owns what part of it. The sad part is, soon there will be nothing of value left to even fight over.

We are very much at a time of great awakening.

This I know, and I also know that we are simply being made more aware of the evils in our world right now, but that doesn’t mean there actually is more. In fact, I would care to argue that everyday more and more people are understanding that what we need is a shift into heart centered living, and they are doing just that.

Keep believing. Keep focusing within yourself, and working to better your own life. That is what we all must focus on, and within that, the changes will come.

Most importantly, keep being kind. Show compassion to all those in your life, including yourself. It is already a cruel world, we do not need more harshness on top of it all.

Have patience, for the night may now appear very dark, but the morning light is never far away.

Peace and love to you all,

– Christine

kindness

Part 1: The What…

At the age of 14 I broke my foot playing volleyball. The doctors put me in a walking boot that I stayed in for about 6 months. When I got out of the boot, it left me with a very slight limp, but I was a kid, and I didn’t know better so I figured it was just because my foot still wasn’t totally healed. Slowly my limp got slightly more and more painful though. Until one night when I was at a high school homecoming dance and the Cupid Shuffle came on. Anyone familiar with that song, may be aware of a move in the song called The Charlie Brown, where you jump forward on one leg, and backwards on the other leg. Well that night during the Charlie Brown I jumped forward on my gimpy leg, and all I remember is collapsing to the ground with an intense pain in my hip when I did, and I was in too much pain to walk again that night.

The next day my dad help me limp into my chiropractors office where we had them take X-Rays… it didn’t take long for them to let us know that something was very wrong. A couple more doctors and X-rays later, my dad and I were informed that my femur had actually slipped up the ball in my hip. They said it was a combination of genetics and possibly the six month stint in the walking boot that had set the whole thing off. Where it had shifted to though, wasn’t somewhere that they could just move it back to its original place, as that would end up damaging too many nerves. So they let us know they were going to go in and put a screw in through the femur into the ball… so my leg wouldn’t fall off. I have to admit when they first told us this, my dad and I couldn’t help but laugh, mostly so I wouldn’t cry, but also at the thought of my leg just haphazardly falling off one day, lol. Looking back I’m so thankful I had my dad’s sense of humor to get me through those bad news moments. My leg was falling off though, and every movement was making it worse, so they scheduled me for immediate surgery… that was the first time I got screwed (literally, screw in my leg, lol).

Surgery went well, however, it wasn’t very long after I was out that I realized the new found placement of my femur, was quite a problem. The doctors weren’t sure how it would end up, but when all was said and done, my right leg stuck out to the side all wonkity like. So another surgery was scheduled. This time they were going to go in and cut my femur mid way, and turn it. So even though my hip was all wonkity, my femur, knee, and the rest of my leg was straight. Back to being a normal kid again… or so I thought.

As all of this happened across my teenage growing years, the doctors quickly picked up on another problem I was going to face. They had cut into the growth plate in my right leg with the original surgery, which had stopped my right leg from growing. My left leg however, had continued to grow. So at 16 and a half they concluded that my growth spurts were over. If I stood on my left leg I was 6’2″, if I stood on my right leg, I was 6′. Another surgery was scheduled. This time they were going to go into my left leg to cut two inches out of my femur and then plate it back together.

A day after I got out of surgery that time, I was up and moving around, when I noticed what seemed to be a popping sound coming from my left leg. It didn’t hurt, but it just didn’t feel right. My doctors took X-rays to see what was going on. Turns out, one of the screws they had put in place was sticking out wrong. The doctors were baffled as to how this could have happened, but regardless this meant the surgery was going to have to be redone. So a few days after that surgery, they went in and did it again.

At this point, I had been in the hospital for over a week, mostly on bed rest, and I had undergone two major surgeries. It wasn’t long after my second surgery that things started to go very wrong. First I developed a fever. They thought maybe I had gotten an infection somewhere. They did all kinds of tests, but there was no infection to be found. My conditioned continued to get worse, and I started getting very sick. I was never told this at the time, but doctors at one point told my parents that my kidneys were shutting down, and that they had about 24 hours to figure out what was wrong before I could potentially go past the point of no return. Looking back, I don’t know how my parents continued to keep such a brave face for me throughout the whole ordeal. I had no idea how close I was to death’s door.

Luckily, within a few hours, an MRI scan of the lower half of my body came back, and doctors finally realized what was going on. It was not an infection. The scan showed a large mass in my abdomen. It was a tumor, a very big one, the weight of which was crushing the blood flow to my kidneys and shutting them down because I had been on bed rest for such a prolonged period of time. The short term fix was simple, they had me roll on my side so it wasn’t crushing the blood flow any more. It worked, my kidneys started working again… I wasn’t going to die. The long term fix wasn’t as clear, but we knew it included another surgery.

After two surgeries and a sickness that left me close to death’s door though, I wasn’t exactly in any kind of shape to be operated on again so soon. In the mean time, I spent a week recovering, gaining my strength, and getting pumped full of cancer medicines. They didn’t know anything about my tumor, but the mass was quite large, so they started me on all kinds of medications. These medications dulled my taste buds, so everything I ate tasted like ash in my mouth, so I quickly lost my appetite. However, they needed me to eat to get better, so one day, unbeknownst to me and my parents, they also slipped in the THC pill with my meds. I ordered everything on the menu that night. I was quite disappointed when it all got there and everything still tasted like ash, but still I ate a lot regardless. Medical grade munchies are no joke.

Finally it was time for the surgery. It went well. The doctors had removed a 10lb tumor along with my left ovary, as the tumor was growing in my ovary. They tested all sites around the tumor and the ovary and it appeared that the mass was entirely contained though. Aside from waking up with the worst gas pains in my life from air that had gotten trapped during surgery, I was fine. Mostly, I was just excited to be off the ash medications and taste food again.

Now for whatever reason, in my mind, it never quite occurred to me that the tumor could be malignant, I just assumed it was benign… because well, it had to be. It wasn’t until a day after my surgery when my best friend was visiting me, and she asked if the tumor was benign, and I started to say yes, when I realized that no one had actually said that to me yet. I remember both of my parents exchanging a glance in that moment, and breaking in with the news… it wasn’t benign, it was malignant.

It was quite weird realizing that I did in fact have cancer, but that the surgery, and the removal of the tumor and my ovary had hopefully removed it. The doctors were still running tests to be sure, but it appeared that I was quite possibly the luckiest cancer patient there ever was.

A few days later we learned an even more unusual fact. My tumor was a type of pancreatic cancer that had grown on my ovary. My pancreas was fine. The doctors told us this phenomenon had never been seen before, and with my consent, they wanted to send it off to several medical universities for study. My name would never be referenced with it, but it was weird to know that I was now in some medical books theoretically.

I had gone in for the original shortening procedure at the beginning of my Christmas school break, and after spending Christmas, and New Years Eve in the hospital, coupled with three surgeries, and one rare tumor anomaly later… I got to go home three days before my 18th birthday. I had lost 22 lbs in the hospital. I still remember pictures from that birthday. My face was gaunt, I was skin and bones, and my skin seemed almost translucent, but my smile was big and bright as I was more alive than ever.

Now, I didn’t mention this, but in high school volleyball was my life. I played club volleyball, on top of high school ball, I attended Mizzou summer volleyball camps starting in 8th grade, and played rec leagues any chance I could. I had no doubt in my mind I would get a volleyball scholarship for college, and of course I had dreams to go pro. When everything happened with my legs, it left me absolutely devastated that my volleyball career was effectively over. Nothing else mattered in my life, and for the first two years while I was going through surgeries, not much really took away the sting of that blow. I didn’t really admit it to many people, but I felt a lot of resentment and anger that I would never get the chance to live up to my full volleyball potential.

However, it did not take long after the discovery of my tumor that I began to realize that the surgeries I so greatly resented… had in fact just saved my life. Fate took me on a journey with every one of those surgeries to get me to the last one… which is where God stepped in and miraculously pushed that screw out of place… even the doctors were baffled at how it could have happened. Looking back though, its all very clear to me. A stroke of fate, a long journey, and a miracle from God himself resulted in the amazing gift that was my life. I didn’t have any resentment or anger again after that.

Later that year I went off to college, a normal, healthy, and very grateful young woman.

life-is-a-gift

Check out Part Two: The Why…. to find out the incredible story I discovered later in life as to why all of this happened…

– Christine