StLSass

Posts Tagged ‘growing up

I have a confession, (I’m so naturally secretive that as I’ve learned to embrace my truth I’ve grown to love confessions if you haven’t picked up on this already)… I ended my sobriety streak back in May.

I had gotten to a point where I honestly really felt like drinking and I was just getting very angry at the notion that I “couldn’t drink”. Its the Aquarius in me, tell me I can’t do something and that’s all I want to do.

So after 4 months of sobriety, I entertained a few nights of drinking.

First and foremost I was a bit shocked that my tolerance had not changed one bit. I’m sure that is a testament to just how hardcore of a drinker I was before I stopped, but it also made me see that it would take much longer than 4 months for my body to really ever detox from my many years of heavy drinking.

Secondly, I was immediately reminded of why I stopped drinking to begin with, which is because it isn’t actually fun to me. It’s weird, but when I drink it’s as though I am handing over the keys to my life to this girl that doesn’t really have any plans or direction. She does whatever she wants, and has no care for what the next day, or even hour, may bring. She is out to have “fun” in this moment and that is all that matters.

Except for the fact that that isn’t all that matters to me in life any more, so now when I hand the keys over to that girl I pretty much just get annoyed by her and her immature ideology on life and what is “fun”.

Thirdly, I have come to an understanding of how to drink in moderation. For me, I cannot drink vodka in moderation. I just can’t. I used to only drink vodka and water, and what I have realized is that combination is the reason that I would drink and drink, and never really feel drunk until I was so drunk that I was either getting sick or blacking out. The water was hydrating me just enough to keep me from mentally feeling drunk, but it wasn’t really helping my physical body to not feel the effects, so eventually my physical body would be so saturated it would just make me sick.

So for me, I believe that I can drink in moderation, and my success with that has come from drinking wine. Wine is made to be drank slowly, so this makes sense.

… I think my struggle with drinking really comes down to the fact that my life is changing. I am not the girl that I once was, and I no longer truly enjoy the things that I once did. That change… is a bit scary. Partying, drinking, being over the top and out of control… is familiar “fun” to me.

FOCUSING on what I really want, working hard, and being persistent … is all a bit foreign to me. However, I know the long term joy that comes from within the latter is the only kind of fun I really want in my life now.

So, I think, the past few months have been me just dipping a toe into the sobriety pool to see how the water feels. But now, I’ve gotten to a point where it’s time to really dive in and embrace all of the changes that this new life requires. Which means making some of the big changes that I have put off making.

More to come on those…

Thanks for reading everyone, have a good one!

– Christine