Posts Tagged ‘follow your dreams

We all have issues and fears in our lives that stem from the events of our childhood. That is the condition of life. Unlearning the unknown fears of our pasts in order to stop the cycle of pain that they keep us in. That is true growth in life. I have talked openly before about having a fear of intimacy, which is a combination of the fear of abandonment and the fear of rejection. This deep seeded fear in my life stems from the events of my childhood.

My parents divorced when I was five years old, and my fears of abandonment, I believe, stem from the events surrounding my parents divorce. While both of my parents went above and beyond to be the best parents that they could be, nothing they could have done could stop the fact that I subconsciously felt abandoned by them in some way.

My fear of rejection stems from the sexual abuse that I went through, where I was constantly subjected to an abuser who rejected me publicly, but preyed on me privately. That not only created a constant feeling of being of rejected, but it also created a deep rooted feeling of worthlessness within me that, to this day, I find very hard to shake off at times.

While I have acknowledged these issues, their complications, and how they have shaped my life, I realized yesterday that I still have a lot of pain from these things that I have not yet fully embraced. You see, we are beings that are wired to run from painful situations, and to adapt in ways that keep us from ever really feeling our pain. However, those adaptions eventually start to manifest specific lessons in our life which are meant to bring us to the point where we can finally admit that the adapted version of ourselves, is not as great as the true version of ourselves, and bring us to the place where we are ready and willing to face the pain of our pasts once and for all. Another great gift of life, we are continuously being given opportunities to improve to be our best selves. HOWEVER, many times those lessons require truly diving into and FEELING our deep seeded childhood pains, and only through this process can we emerge from our cocoons to be the bright butterflies that we are.

In figuring myself out lately, I have noticed that I very much have anger and control issues. It was in trying to figure out the anger side that I brought myself to the point of realization that it was perhaps fueled by childhood pain. After continuing to think it through, it became increasingly obvious to me that I still have a lot of pain that has yet to be physically felt and released. So yesterday I sat, and for a minute I concentrated on that pit in the bottom of my stomach that comes up when I begin to think about certain parts of my childhood, the painful parts. I focused on that pain, and as it became heavier and heavier, I started to cry. Not just a weeping cry, no, as I continued to forge into the pain of my soul, I started bawling a river of tears. It was painful. Gut wrenchingly painful.

I thought about my parents and how mad I was at them for “abandoning” our family. I have never really acknowledged it to myself, but last night in my pain, I found myself so incredibly angry and in sort of this child like “Why would you do this to me??” fit of rage and pain. I continued to cry, and breathe, and sit in the pain for as long as my easily distracted mind could handle. When I started to get side tracked with other thoughts, I pushed myself back in the pain, since it was so readily available to me yesterday (due to the current planetary alignments). As I continued to sit there, I began to really understand some of the pain that I had.

I began to understand that I felt so sad and alone because I felt like no one really knew me.  When I really dug into why I felt as though no one really knew me, I began to realize it was because I felt that my mom never really knew me. I saw that my anger stemmed out of my lack of a relationship with my mother, because I felt as though I couldn’t open up to her as a child. My innate reaction as a child was to always pretend everything was fine, and to never talk about my feelings… because deep down, what I was feeling was abandoned.

What I later realized is that what triggered this avalanche of pain and feeling was actually Mother’s Day. I had a wonderful day with my mom on Mother’s Day. I actually had something I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell her or not, but as the day went on, I felt more and more at ease, and so I eventually told her. She did her mom thing, and was able to break through the wall that I always keep up that everything is okay, and she got to my truth. So what I finally realized yesterday as I worked my way through all of this pain, is that my mother has always been there for me. She has done so much for me, all in the name of being a loving and supportive mother. She was always there, she never abandoned me. My feeling of abandonment was created by my own mind as a child when for whatever rhyme or reason I decided that my mother was no longer my ally, or my confidant, or my rock, and I began to shut her out of my life. I am the one who created my own sense of abandonment by isolating my true self from my mom.

As I came to that moment of realization, that I had created this strained relationship with my mother all on my own, the phrase “I chose this life” began to set in with me.

With all of my study into astrology and my soul’s purpose and mission in this lifetime, I have come to a great understanding, which is that my soul chose this exact journey for me to learn everything I needed to learn while I am on earth. The experiences that I have grown from, experienced pain from, and found joy in, were all put in my path to further my soul’s journey. I have come to understand that I truly did chose this life path for myself. So when I felt those words come up, “I chose this life”, I just continued to repeat those words out loud, to really let that sink into my soul.

Here I am writing this the next day, and I just had the realization that this whole experience is quite literally me uncovering one of the greatest masks of my ego. It is me  coming to an understanding of how the story of what I told myself as a child vs the reality of what was actually happening, shaped my misguided belief system that kept me from enjoying the pure love and light that both of my parents have always had for me, and in turn kept me stuck in my own self created world of pain and hurt. A pain that was so deep that rather than feel it, and learn from it, I have spent many years running from it, pretending I was okay, which only served to further the cycle of pain.

Funny thing pain is like that. When we tell ourselves that we are okay, and that we are fine, when we are in fact in pain, we then are essentially creating a place for that pain to live. We give that pain life. Our life thus attracts more pain, because that is the vibe that we are sending out into the world. We drag out our own pain when we don’t face it head on. However, when we do embrace it, feel it, let it hurt, and let it out… then we learn our truth behind that pain, and then we begin to understand it. Once we understand it, we can learn from it… and finally move on and be done with that it!

The only way out is through.

There are no shortcuts in life growth.

We all must learn to stop being afraid of pain.

We should welcome it with open arms.

Sit with your pain.

FEEL it.

Let it hurt.

Let it make you mad.



Be sad.

Then understand what exactly it is that is making you sad.

Once you get deep into that pain, it becomes easier to see what it is that is truly the problem.

Continue asking yourself why, until you have your answer.

It will come.

“As I stand in a puddle of tears, I give thanks; for without pain, I would not grow.” – @j.ironword

Give thanks. You are exactly where you chose to be on this journey of life.

You chose this life.

The sooner we all understand that we are not victims of our circumstances, but rather the creators of our destiny; the sooner we can flip that switch and realize our amazing power to achieve anything we desire in this world comes through our ability to face our own pain and grow our way through it.

Sending so much light and love to you all this week. There is a lot of active energy going on in the world right now, and I hope that you all take that extra energy and use it to confront some of your own pain… and that through that you find great healing, so you are able to better shine your light. Our world needs your light right now. We need to stop furthering the pain. It is time.

❤ Christine


Last night into today is the New Moon in Aquarius. This new moon represents an opening where we can manifest energy to free us from our limitations, free us from chaos, and free our minds from all of the beliefs that we have held that keep us back in life.

Let me ask you, what does the word freedom mean to you?

To me, freedom has always meant that I have the ability to say and do what I want, I can act freely and of my own will. However, I have started to notice, that according that belief… we are not actually free, at all.

It’s amazing to me that I am just now realizing this, when it has been so simple, and right in front of us all this whole time.

True freedom, would be the ability to actually do or say whatever we want, without limitation. Without consequences imposed on us from laws of society. If I wanted to have an abortion, in a land of real freedom, it would be my prerogative to do so. If I wanted to kill a man, in the land of true freedom, I could do so, and only have my own conscious to answer to for it. If I wanted to

In the land of true freedom… laws would not be necessary. Laws dictate what we can and cannot do. That is not freedom.

Yes, we have more free will in America than most countries are afforded, but still, we are not free people. What makes that realization slightly harder to take, is the way our limited freedom has been so idolized. America Land of the Free, Home of the Brave. How could we not be a free people, I mean it’s in our slogan??

I know, some of you may say, well we can’t have pure freedom for everyone, that would be chaos. But would it?

Man is born seeking a balance between right and wrong. It is human nature. We seek to be balanced beings. In our society that balance of right and wrong is actually unjustly thrust upon us by societies laws which is what creates internal chaos, and therefor more outward chaos in our wold. If we truly lived in a world of freedom and had the ability to govern our own decisions, according to our own right from wrong… society would inherently become less chaotic. There would be less rebellion and more unity.

We all have different ideas and different beliefs, and in a world of true freedom, those differences would be celebrated. Looked upon not as someone else being wrong to your right, but rather seen as a different way to look at a situation. More light would be shed on things in a quicker manner if we weren’t so concerned with the insistence that there is only one right way to do things. We would advance much faster as a civilization under this premise.

The illusion of freedom that we have signed off on in America, has created a new bubble here that is far scarier than any housing or economic bubble. Our acceptance of our limited world as freedom has only served to give more power to those who make our laws and govern our land. While we have been blissfully living our lives, they have been busy manufacturing scenarios to scare us into allowing more laws, more restrictions, and more limitations, which only serve to increase their power of us. They have manufactured a world based on our selfish wants and desires which was built keep us entertained and under an illusion that we are happy, that we are free… while we continue to work as their slaves, and line their pockets with our money. This. Is. Not. Freedom.

America was built on the foundation that we are a free and unified nation where every man is afforded the right to pursue life, liberty, and happiness. What we have been given is a nation divided by laws and restrictions imposed by the few, to control the many. We are not free. The sooner we can all realize that, then the sooner we pop this bubble, and take back what is rightfully ours: FREEDOM.

Vive la révolution,

– Christine


Today I wanted to just quickly share a thought that I have about goosebumps or chills. I have noticed over the past few years that any time I am thinking about an idea, or speaking with someone, or listening to something that truly speaks to my soul, I get goosebumps. The other day I was having lunch with a new friend, and as she was speaking I got goosebumps, because the things she was telling me were not only things that I have been through but things that I have learned a lot about overcoming. In that moment I knew it was serendipitous that we had recently became closer as the things that I had learned were going to be able to immediately help her find direction that she was looking for.

My friend/mentor Julie Mues, calls moments like these little God Winks. Whatever you want to call them, those moments have come to be one of my most favorite things in life. They let me know I am onto something good. Those moments where the Universe is just reassuring you that you are on the right path and headed towards the right things in your life. I can even be listening to a song and singing along and as I get to a positive uplifting verse I’ll get chills, because the repetition of that positive message speaks to my truest desires in life.

So I want to urge you to pay attention to those moments in your life. Maybe you don’t get chills, but you get that feeling of utter clarity that you are on the right track. The more  you listen to those moments, the more you will be able to find your true path on this crazy journey we call life. Sometimes you might have an idea that seems kind of crazy or requires a big risk… but you get it with chills and just a knowing behind it that it is what you are supposed to do. Listening to those moments and following your heart are the moments that can make or break us. No true reward is ever gained without taking a risk or making a leap of faith, but if you trust yourself, and know that no matter the risk that you can make it work, then you will succeed!! Believing is Achieving!!

Dream big my babies, its a beautiful world of endless possibilities if you only believe!!

– Christine