StLSass

Posts Tagged ‘fear of intimacy

eab8b4c903e48e23e7aef614ed5a7d37

How was your weekend?

Were you highly emotional and perhaps even overly aggressive towards people?

Did you get any gut feelings this weekend that it was time to make a big change in life?

Time to take a stand??

Time to do that thing that you know you should be doing but that you have been making mental excuses as to why you can’t actually do them???

If you can relate to any of the above, you are not alone. This weekend we had a full moon that was the most powerful full moon we will experience this year. It brought forth feelings and emotions that may have caused us to act out, think really hard, or even become super crazy.

Myself? I went through a gambit of emotions and thoughts over the past few days.

Friday morning, after thinking about some of my fears, I decided to research the Fear of Abandonment, as that was one I hadn’t really looked at directly yet. What I found was an article describing seven things that a person with a fear of abandonment will do in a relationship that can push their partner away. Reading that list, I felt as though I was reading a play by play of my last relationship and how I systematically self imploded the whole thing. I mean, I have known that I self destructed in that relationship, that was very clear. But seeing my behavior pin pointed so directly to classic symptoms of the fear of abandonment… just made me so upset. So upset in fact, that I was overwhelmed with extreme emotion the rest of the day. I even had to close my office door at work because I couldn’t stop bawling my eyes out. I think I was mostly upset because it was very clear to me just how hard my ego is willing to go in order to block me from having love in my life. I saw myself in a new light where I was finally able to recognize that the reason I can’t find love is because the more someone tries to love me, the harder my ego will try to push them away and hurt them. For perhaps the first time ever, I saw just how deeply hurt and broken I truly am… and it devastated me.

I did not wallow in this pain though. I cried it out as I also kept telling myself that it’s okay, now I know, and now that I know I can begin to work on that side of myself more. Then I cried some more, because I know I’m at the beginning of a very long road, and well, I’m impatient and the thought of having to take another 2-3 years before I can be capable of truly loving someone is just highly upsetting to me. The psychic I went to see in February did say I would have four more years of being single though, which at the time I thought that sounded a bit dramatic… however, now I get it.

So after a roller coaster of emotions all day Friday I did what I always do when I need some cheering up. I went to a comedy show. I got some much needed laughter in my life, and Friday night I went to bed feeling relatively okay.

Saturday I woke up feeling pretty good. I went to meet up with some friends for brunch, and as I was waiting for them, my mind started focusing on another problem area in my life: my drinking. My problem with drinking is that I lose all ability to maintain self-control when I am drinking. The more I thought about that, I thought about how I also recently became more aware that I have major control issues in my life. Suddenly I realized that I have been using drinking as an excuse to give up control in life, because I am so controlling normally that I don’t know how else to let go. As it goes with situations in life though, because I have refused to acknowledge this problem it has manifested as a bigger and bigger problem in my life, to the point to where now if I even take one sip of alcohol, I automatically give myself permission to go balls to the wall out of control and make extremely unhealthy choices for my life. So as I was sitting and assessing this whole situation, I realized that my real problem is with control in my life, and that’s where I need to start focusing some energy to figure myself out. Another great self realization, however, also another problem I can foresee taking years for me to truly figure out…. yaaayyyyyy.

Then last night I had an interesting dream. In this dream I was decorating and setting up a new home, when suddenly a murderer was breaking in and chasing me and my friends through the neighborhood. At one point, he got me pretty good with a stab wound to my side, which was actually pretty painful. However, the pain didn’t keep me down for long, and towards the end of the dream, I had taken to hunting the murderer myself. I actually tracked down his secret lair, and was in the process of trying to figure out his next move so that I could capture him myself, when I woke up. After I woke up, I googled what it means if you are being chased by a murderer in your dreams. What I found is that the theme of being chased by someone in a dream typically represents some aspect or fear within yourself that you are perhaps running from. Given that interpretation, I found a sliver of hope within my murderous dream. Yes, I have a significant fear of abandonment, and severe control issues… they are the painful stab wound to my side. However, I have now found them out, I recognize them, I have found their secret lair and I can now plot my best plan of attack to finally defeat them! I don’t think it was coincidence that I woke up in the fact finding stage either. That is where I am at in life. I am now aware of my issues, and so it is time that I work to gather the facts and make a plan on how I defeat them going forward. There is hope, and it might take some time, but I feel more confident about my path forward than ever before.

This full moon was indeed a powerful one.

I am so grateful that we live in a Universe full of energetic tides preparing us and pushing us towards our best selves at all times. The Universe wants us to succeed. It is constantly presenting us with opportunities and chances to learn and be better.  However, it is up to notice those opportunities and seize them. This is why I am so into astrology, because it gives us some clues as to what type of energy is swirling about in the Universe at any given moment, and also how we can best apply that energy to our own energetic makeup in order to further our own growth and understanding. It is a truly amazing and powerful tool.

If you are interested in any kind of information about astrology and how you can start using this powerful tool in your life, reach out and let me know. I would love to speak with you and see how I can help.

Thanks for reading everyone, HAPPY MONDAY!!

– Christine

Advertisements

I have been bombarded with fear lately. Fears of success, fears of intimacy, fears of being loved, fear of love, fears of abandonment, fears of rejection… all of these mental road block fears. I’m not sure if it’s because I am more aware of them, or if it is just the energy of the universe pushing them to the top of my psyche, but this fear has even manifested in my physical world, causing me to be so scared in certain moments in life recently. My hands shaking, my heart racing, fear gripping my every move.

I’ve never been so overcome with so much blatant fear.

Or have I?

Sure, these fears are amplified right now, but they were always there. Always hiding out in my subconscious. Quietly telling my mind what I cannot do, and overtly sabotaging my own self.

Fear has one purpose. To restrict. To keep us locked away from our highest potential. To trick our minds into believing that anything is out of reach.

Nothing is out of reach. We are each the infinite source of love and light and we have the power to create anything we wish to create in this life. We control our destiny.

Fear is a real construct within the mind though. It does require knowledge, patience, and understanding in order to be fought.

Mostly, it requires recognition of fear itself. We must recognize when our decisions are being shaped in fear, and openly work towards working our way through that fear.

We have to face the uncomfortableness of the world beyond the limits of our fears. The world where anything is actually possible.

For me that is a fearful thing, because I am afraid of my highest and best self. I have a fear of success. My mind constantly interjects doubt, limits, and disbelief onto my ideas because of this.

So how do I over come this? How do any of us over come fear?

By choosing to believe that we can do anything. By recognizing the negative beliefs that come up in our mind.

BY TAKING ACTION. I think that is most important. Fear can be paralyzing, so above all we need to keep moving forward. Keep pushing toward our goals. Do not let fear paralyze you in the worry of how, and what, and just focus on the doing of what is in front of you right now.

Also by pushing ourselves outside of our comfort zones. Fear loves keeping us in our bubbles. So when a challenge arises, embrace it! Know that it will make you grow, and see the happy fulfillment that lies within the challenge instead of the fear.

These are the things I will be pushing myself on. I hope perhaps this helps some of you face your fears as well.

Go forth, AND BE FEARLESS!!!!!

fearless

– Christine

Okay, time to get real honest and gritty about myself with you guys. (Yes, more honest than yesterday even.) I have been becoming very self-aware lately and I have a confession … I’ve never openly admitted this to anyone, not even my therapist. I can feel the fear welling up in my throat as I type … Oh well, here goes: I’ve cheated on every person I’ve ever had a relationship with.

Even the ones I considered to be really good relationships.

At some point, typically when a conflict was not addressed, I’d find myself being drawn to people outside the relationship, I’d start checking out of my current love and into a fantasy, and eventually the relationship would deteriorate and I would cheat. I used to blame it on the fact that I always dated terrible men or tell myself that if I had an urge to cheat, it just meant the relationship was never going to work out anyways.

However, when I cheated in my last relationship, which was with an incredible man, I was beyond upset with myself. I had even taken precautions to cut all ties with people who I knew I’d be most likely to be drawn to and took note to quickly end any thoughts of other people as soon as they entered my mind. Yet still, one night during a rough patch, I let myself get sucked into someone and I let it go too far. Despite my best efforts, and the fact that I was dating a wonderful man, I still cheated. When this happened I was devastated, and I felt as though I was simply living proof of the old adage: “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

After spending the past few months in self-reflection mode, I now know that my cheating was actually manifested by the fact that I have a severe fear of intimacy. Which is the fear of rejection combined with the fear of abandonment on steroids basically. I am so afraid of being close to someone and it not working out or of them abandoning me that I self-sabotage my relationships in many ways. But eventually, particularly if there are problems in the bedroom, I cheat. (Spoiler alert: since I have a fear of intimacy, there are always problems in the bedroom, eventually).

As I was reading about the fear of intimacy, I read how victims of sexual abuse were more likely to act out sexually in relationships when the fear would surface, specifically by cheating. I was a victim of sexual abuse as a child. As painful as it was to read that, after thinking it over, it gave me my first sense of hope about the matter. That’s when I realized it wasn’t that I was once a cheater, always a cheater… this was just another side effect of childhood trauma, which I simply needed to unlearn. That’s slightly better… right? Right!

I am also realizing that because I was sexually abused at a young age, I discovered the power of sex before the power of love. And then, I never really developed the patience for true love. So as I was going through relationships in my life, when I would start to feel like I was falling in love, I would develop an impatience and move very quickly with people, particularly in the bedroom, because impatience was my defense against having to actually open up and be vulnerable.

Since I never got that to that true deep love level with anyone, due to my impatience, I learned to master the level that I was at. The level of intimacy fueled by sex. The level that is afraid of real intimacy. I mastered the art of what so many people today think is love, sex without true vulnerability. I have been accepting that level of “love” as true love my entire life. It wasn’t until I finally realized how much patience is required for true love that I discovered that I have never really experienced REAL love. That was a tough realization to swallow, but also possibly the biggest break through I’ve had thus far in trying to understand myself and love.

I say all of this because I know I am not alone. In today’s culture, many people have mastered the power of sex without vulnerability, maybe because many people also have a deep-rooted fear of truly being intimate with someone or maybe because of some other fear that has manifested in their life. To quote Beyoncé in Lemonade: “When did true love become illusive? No one I know has it.” That statement is so true. So many people think they have love, but they are only scratching the surface of what true love is.

True love itself is scary at first. It shines a light on our own darkness and faults and in order to truly master love, you must first love yourself, ugly parts and all. That is where a lot of people are going wrong, I believe. They aren’t fully acknowledging all of their own darkness because they are so afraid of facing those things and taking responsibility for their own actions. That’s the hard part of true love, but it is ultimately the best and most important part of life. Until we illuminate those issues and work to correct them, we aren’t truly living as our greatest selves, and we certainly aren’t capable of truly loving another.

So I guess this is me, facing my ugliness. I have a fear of intimacy and a propensity to act out sexually in relationships when I choose to give in to that fear. Now that I understand that about myself, I am hoping that in my next relationship, I will finally be able to overcome my fear, let myself be truly vulnerable with another person and possibly finally find true love in my life. I hope to finally disprove the “Once a cheater, always a cheater” theory, because I am in fact not a saying or cliché. I’m a real human being who has the ability to learn, grow and be better.

Cheers to being better.

– Christine

jojo-160526

P.S. This post originally appeared on Hobotrashcan.com on 5/26/16, because sometimes it takes a year of loving yourself before you are ready to truly share your truth. And sometimes you are lucky enough to be offered a way to anonymously write out what you are really feeling. I will forever be grateful to Hobotrashcan.com creator Joel Murphy for that opportunity.

    2016 has been what I would refer to as a transitional year for me, and while it has taken me awhile to accept it, it was exactly what I needed in my life. The year started on a rather low note, as I was in a state of heartbreak and despair after ending a relationship with someone whom I loved very deeply. It was unlike other breakups I have been through where there was a clear reason why it didn’t work out. No, this break up was amicable, and at the same time it was so gut-wrenchingly painful because I knew, and he knew, it wasn’t that we didn’t care about it each other, it was actually quite the opposite. We both cared so much for each other, yet, despite all that love, we couldn’t for the life of us figure out how to make one another happy. During our time together I had slowly turned into someone who even I hated, and I was so frustrated because I had no idea how or what had caused that transition within myself, but I knew it was toxic, and at a certain point, I knew I had to walk away to save myself from myself. I gave up on the greatest love I’ve ever experienced because I couldn’t handle it. I was devastated.

      So after I spent most of the month of January either curled up in a ball crying my eyes out or out drinking away my sorrows, I topped it off by turning 30. 30 and Single. Every woman’s nightmare according to society. I combated my depression that night by throwing myself a kick ass roller skating party, because if there is one thing that always cheers me up it’s the opportunity to be the hostess with the mostess and any occasion where I can appropriately wear my purple go-go dress is just a bonus. To further commemorate 30, I also went to Mardi Gras in New Orleans a few weeks later with a few girlfriends. More heavy drinking, just what my depressed self needed. Mardi Gras was fun, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of utter emptiness while I was there. In fact, being in a sea of other lost souls drinking their hearts out, only made me more hyper aware of the fact that I was self-medicating with alcohol pretty intensely and pretty regularly, I knew this was a problem, but I wasn’t ready to face it yet. 

    By the time March rolled around I found myself in the most depressed state that I think I have ever been in. I was drinking every night, I had stopped eating, aside from drunken 3AM donut binging, and I was being reckless in all aspects of my life. I hated myself. I was giving up on life, and what’s scarier, is that I knew I was giving up and I was okay with that. I was ready to leave this world and all my pain behind. Meanwhile, very few people in my life knew anything about this. It is not within my personality to ask for help when I need it, instead I generally opt to suffer in silence for fear of being seen as weak. Instead I turned to alcohol to cope, which only served to fuel my downward spiral, and push me further towards the edge. 

    Luckily, God intervened and sent a few angels to help guide me back to the light. One day after a particularly hard day my Little Sister’s mom (from Big Brother Big Sisters) called me. When I answered she told me that I had just been on her mind and that she wanted to call and me to tell me she loved me and that she was praying for me. I broke down in tears on the phone with her right then and there. I let her know I had been struggling and that I certainly needed her prayers, that day and every day. We talked for a while, and then she prayed for me on the phone. It wasn’t until I broke down that day on the phone with her, that I realized that I couldn’t and didn’t need to go through all of this alone. That was my turning point.

    I stopped going out, I stopped drinking, and I just let myself rest and recharge. I had worn my body down quite a bit by that point. I was the heaviest I had ever been, and I was constantly battling digestive issues because my body couldn’t handle all the abuse I had put it through. That’s when God decided to intervene again. This time it was through an old work colleague. She reached out to me to invite me to a seminar on healthy living that she was speaking at. I agreed, went, and when I did, my mind was blown away by the information presented. The seminar was on Juice Plus+, a whole food nutrition capsule that contained fruits, vegetables, and berries, and had been shown to help people with all kinds of chronic illness symptoms, digestive issues, sugar cravings, skin diseases, the list went on and on. They had me at sugar cravings, as resisting a bag of donuts had become almost impossible for me at that point, so I thought, why not, let’s give this a whirl. What happened next, blew my mind. Within seven days my cravings for crappy food were completely gone. The thought of fast food disgusted me, and not even donuts seemed enjoyable anymore. On top of that, I had so much energy. I started riding my bike again, and spending my evenings in the park enjoying the beauty of nature. Something I had never realized before is the incredible healing power of plants, both inside your body, and outside in your surroundings. Life begets life. That was such a powerful realization to put together, and one I am so thankful to have learned. As March came to an end, I was slowly starting to see the light through the dark. 

     In early April I met someone who encouraged me to find out my Meyer’s Briggs personality type. I had heard of it, and even taken the test for a job at one point, but I had never put much thought or research into my personality type further than that. What stuck out to me though, was that this person, who wanted to date me, knew that his personality was best matched with a set personality type, and so hence, him wanting me to take the test. What I learned is that I am an ENFJ, which was exactly his type, as he was an INFP, however, in no way shape or form was I actually trying to date at that point so I thanked him for his insight and went on about my life. I was intrigued by his system though, and even more intrigued by the Extroverted/Introverted match of our personality combo. I had always thought the idea of opposites attracting each other was something that was not for me. However, the more I researched the Introverted personality (as I simply thought that meant a shy person until that point), the more I realized that my ex was indeed an introvert and that’s why the attraction between us was so strong. What I was slowly realizing as well was that an introverted person takes a long time to really to get to know and understand, and that dating them requires a lot of patience. Whaaaattt???? PATIENCE?????? Omg, I have never had patience, never aspired to have patience, and actually thought my lack of patience was kind of an endearing quality about me. No. Turns out, it is actually the reason why I had never been in love, because up until my last relationship, I had been scaring away any introverts that may have been into me, because I have no patience to get to know them!! I operate at two speeds, zero or one hundred, either you are with me or against me, in or out, we are either getting married or I’m onto the next… and here I was, 30 and alone, and just now realizing it was all because I have no patience. The only reason my ex had managed to get so far with me is because we knew each other for months before we started dating. He knew me pretty well before he actually made a move, a luxury no other introvert had yet been awarded in my life. This realization was life changing. I wasn’t 30 and alone because I was unlovable. I was alone because I don’t have patience. I could handle that. I could work with that. 

     Over the next few weeks I continued to surround myself with smart women, who I happily shared my revelation with. I was so excited about it. As I continued to think about this and speak with other women about this, I slowly realized that my impatience was a defense mechanism that I developed, because my true problem was that I have a deep rooted fear of intimacy. Opening myself up and being vulnerable, is something I just didn’t do. As I researched more about the fear of intimacy, I read about how victims of childhood sexual abuse are infinitely more likely to have this fear, and to a pretty significant degree. As I read that line one night, I broke down and started bawling uncontrollably. Over the past 4 years I have slowly been facing the truth about an inappropriate sexual relationship that I had with a relative as a child. I had been seeing a therapist for it, I had slowly started telling close friends and family members about it, so that I could step out of the shame of it. However, what I had not yet realized was the long lasting, far reaching problems that this had created in all aspects of how I handle relationships. As I read that line, I realized the full weight of the pain which that event had truly caused in my life. I cried harder and deeper than I have ever cried before. My life’s pain of always feeling alone came out that night, and I finally realized that it wasn’t my fault. That night was dark, but the next day the sun was shining brighter than it ever had before in my life as I finally felt the peace that comes with understanding.  

    As summer approached, I was in a pretty good place. I was losing weight, spending ample amount of time in nature, and focusing on figuring out myself. I started to hone in on a lot of my flaws. I notice how controlling and manipulative I can be within my life. I noticed how secretive I can be with my true feelings and emotions. I noticed how I felt more comfortable telling strangers every nitty gritty detail of my life, but when it came to close friends and family I tended to censor myself for fear of being judged. I became very aware of many of my self-sabotaging and negative patterns that I subconsciously do that hold me back from true happiness in life. 2016 is the year that I finally became aware of myself as a human being that operates on one level, and an innately divine being of God, that operates from a higher level. 

    I started taking a class taught by a spiritual life coach that I had been to once before. The class was over the book, A Course in Miracles. What the book is supposed to help you do is to shift your mindset so that you can truly live in the present moment, without judging life based on your past experiences, but rather taking it for what it is, in the clear and present moment. It is a true mental shift, which is supposed to leave you in a state where you are constantly operating from your God self, vs. your human self. It’s not easy. It takes practice every day, and every moment, but I am slowly seeing myself operating more from that space. That space is pure love by the way. Pure love for everyone in your life, and most importantly, for yourself. 

    Self-love is where I have been lacking the most this year. I’ve had my ups and downs with myself over the years, but this year, as I slowly realized more and more faults and issues that I need to deal with, it became harder and harder for me to love myself. As the summer wore on, I found my drinking was starting to pick up again. Partially because I was traveling a lot, and attending a lot of social drinking events, but the deeper I dug into myself about it I realized it was mostly because I was truly struggling to love myself. 

    When I look back at my last relationship, and all of the realizations I have made about myself from it, that I had no patience, I had a fear of intimacy and inability to be vulnerable and communicate, I can also see very clearly that at one point, I stopped loving myself. I put my worth into someone else’s hands, and when I did, I slowly turned into someone I didn’t like. I was highly codependent. I cringe when I think back on it now. 

    Over the past few weeks I have been really working on my forgiving myself for the whole thing. While I can see so clearly now where things went wrong, what I must remind myself is that it was not all my fault, really no break up is ever one sided with fault. I simply didn’t know what I didn’t know, and I would have never known what I know now, had I not gone through the darkness of the past few months. I can sit and tell myself all kinds of things, but at the end of the day it comes back to my ability to learn and grow from my mistakes, and my ability to love and forgive myself, as that is what life is all about. 

    That is why I am writing all of this today. I know what I have been through this year, but writing it all out… has me realizing that I have been learning a lot more than what I give myself credit for. It has been a hard transitional year, but one that I would not trade for the world. At times it has been easy to focus on the negative, but when I look back on this year as a whole, and I see just how much I have learned and grown… I can’t help but to see the wonderful soul inside of me that guided me through all this darkness and fought my way back to the light, and I cannot help but to love her. She saved me. She is me. I am the light. 

   The day I ended my last relationship, I found this quote that I posted on Instagram:
“As I stand here in a puddle of tears, I give thanks, for without pain, I would not grow. – J. iron word
   Always give thanks for your pain, for it is through the darkness that you will find your way back to the light. 
Sending love, light, & happiness to you all, always,
Christine ❤