StLSass

Posts Tagged ‘beyonce lemonade

Okay, time to get real honest and gritty about myself with you guys. (Yes, more honest than yesterday even.) I have been becoming very self-aware lately and I have a confession … I’ve never openly admitted this to anyone, not even my therapist. I can feel the fear welling up in my throat as I type … Oh well, here goes: I’ve cheated on every person I’ve ever had a relationship with.

Even the ones I considered to be really good relationships.

At some point, typically when a conflict was not addressed, I’d find myself being drawn to people outside the relationship, I’d start checking out of my current love and into a fantasy, and eventually the relationship would deteriorate and I would cheat. I used to blame it on the fact that I always dated terrible men or tell myself that if I had an urge to cheat, it just meant the relationship was never going to work out anyways.

However, when I cheated in my last relationship, which was with an incredible man, I was beyond upset with myself. I had even taken precautions to cut all ties with people who I knew I’d be most likely to be drawn to and took note to quickly end any thoughts of other people as soon as they entered my mind. Yet still, one night during a rough patch, I let myself get sucked into someone and I let it go too far. Despite my best efforts, and the fact that I was dating a wonderful man, I still cheated. When this happened I was devastated, and I felt as though I was simply living proof of the old adage: “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

After spending the past few months in self-reflection mode, I now know that my cheating was actually manifested by the fact that I have a severe fear of intimacy. Which is the fear of rejection combined with the fear of abandonment on steroids basically. I am so afraid of being close to someone and it not working out or of them abandoning me that I self-sabotage my relationships in many ways. But eventually, particularly if there are problems in the bedroom, I cheat. (Spoiler alert: since I have a fear of intimacy, there are always problems in the bedroom, eventually).

As I was reading about the fear of intimacy, I read how victims of sexual abuse were more likely to act out sexually in relationships when the fear would surface, specifically by cheating. I was a victim of sexual abuse as a child. As painful as it was to read that, after thinking it over, it gave me my first sense of hope about the matter. That’s when I realized it wasn’t that I was once a cheater, always a cheater… this was just another side effect of childhood trauma, which I simply needed to unlearn. That’s slightly better… right? Right!

I am also realizing that because I was sexually abused at a young age, I discovered the power of sex before the power of love. And then, I never really developed the patience for true love. So as I was going through relationships in my life, when I would start to feel like I was falling in love, I would develop an impatience and move very quickly with people, particularly in the bedroom, because impatience was my defense against having to actually open up and be vulnerable.

Since I never got that to that true deep love level with anyone, due to my impatience, I learned to master the level that I was at. The level of intimacy fueled by sex. The level that is afraid of real intimacy. I mastered the art of what so many people today think is love, sex without true vulnerability. I have been accepting that level of “love” as true love my entire life. It wasn’t until I finally realized how much patience is required for true love that I discovered that I have never really experienced REAL love. That was a tough realization to swallow, but also possibly the biggest break through I’ve had thus far in trying to understand myself and love.

I say all of this because I know I am not alone. In today’s culture, many people have mastered the power of sex without vulnerability, maybe because many people also have a deep-rooted fear of truly being intimate with someone or maybe because of some other fear that has manifested in their life. To quote Beyoncé in Lemonade: “When did true love become illusive? No one I know has it.” That statement is so true. So many people think they have love, but they are only scratching the surface of what true love is.

True love itself is scary at first. It shines a light on our own darkness and faults and in order to truly master love, you must first love yourself, ugly parts and all. That is where a lot of people are going wrong, I believe. They aren’t fully acknowledging all of their own darkness because they are so afraid of facing those things and taking responsibility for their own actions. That’s the hard part of true love, but it is ultimately the best and most important part of life. Until we illuminate those issues and work to correct them, we aren’t truly living as our greatest selves, and we certainly aren’t capable of truly loving another.

So I guess this is me, facing my ugliness. I have a fear of intimacy and a propensity to act out sexually in relationships when I choose to give in to that fear. Now that I understand that about myself, I am hoping that in my next relationship, I will finally be able to overcome my fear, let myself be truly vulnerable with another person and possibly finally find true love in my life. I hope to finally disprove the “Once a cheater, always a cheater” theory, because I am in fact not a saying or cliché. I’m a real human being who has the ability to learn, grow and be better.

Cheers to being better.

– Christine

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P.S. This post originally appeared on Hobotrashcan.com on 5/26/16, because sometimes it takes a year of loving yourself before you are ready to truly share your truth. And sometimes you are lucky enough to be offered a way to anonymously write out what you are really feeling. I will forever be grateful to Hobotrashcan.com creator Joel Murphy for that opportunity.

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This week I want to talk about something very important. Which is the perfection that is Beyoncé’s Lemonade Film. The film mind you! Yes, the album is great, but the film is where it’s at, trust me. The visuals are stunning, but it is Beyoncé’s words and guidance through the journey of her emotions of betrayal and eventual rebirth that makes Lemonade… that is the true gold. If you haven’t seen it, I can’t really explain it, but I will try. Lemonade is basically life itself. Explained on the realest of levels with the utmost wisdom and beauty and grace because Beyoncé is in fact God’s perfect creation. (Spoiler alert, we all are! Aww, gee, thanks God!) She is very fittingly a true Queen of this earthly world. This film/album is an epic display of her talents, her mind, her intuition, her reflections, revelations, and ultimate discovery of her own power and of the power of true, deep, soul connecting love… and then what it is like to be betrayed by that love… while still maintaining full composure, balance, and control, in her own life. Not only by maintaining, but by going on to pour her life and her soul into her work which gave us the absolute perfect explanation of real love, feminism, and true life that is Lemonade. That is Lemonade at a high level.

On a more direct level, it also gives us a look at Jay Z’ s supposed infidelity, which Beyoncé directly calls out in the song “Sorry” with the line “Better call Becky with the Good Hair”, referring to Jay’s apparent penchant for white women. Which, while Beyoncé is in fact Mother Earth Immaculate incarnate, there is one thing she can never be… and that is white. Sorry (I ain’t sorry)

“If it is what you truly want… I can wear her skin over mine… her hair over mine… her hands as gloves… Her teeth as confetti… Her Scalp a cap. Her sternum my bedazzled cane. We could pose for a photograph… all three of us… immortalized… you and your perfect girl.”

Here, Beyoncé takes us on her thought process as she realizes this and offers a compromise to Jay, gritting through her teeth towards the end as clearly the only way she would only ever actually allow Jay Z to have another woman is over that woman’s dead body which Beyoncé would then wear as a bedazzled skin suit.

WHICH, did any of you happen to see Beyonce’s Met Gala Dress last week??????

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If that’s not a bedazzled skin suit, I don’t know what is. Not to mention her hair is looking awfully good there. She is clearly messing with all of us. Which only makes me wonder, since Jay Z did not attend the Met Gala with Beyoncé… did he ever get that photograph??

Artistry and theatrics aside, I do have a thought on this predicament that Beyoncé has found herself in, and why it may not be entirely Jay Z’s fault if he does in fact have a thing for white women.

As a white woman myself, who has had a natural affinity for black boys for as far back as Kindergarten, I have a theory that interracial attraction is not only natural, but I believe it is actually one of the keys to progressing our civilization forward. Hear me out. For the longest time, I was against having children for the simple fact that I don’t particularly appreciate the genetic line that I come from. There is a long history of mental illness in my mom’s family, and even though I feel like I personally got enough of my dad’s rationale, I didn’t have a lot of faith that a child of mine would be so lucky. That was, until I read an article about mixed children, and how because they are bred from parents of such different genetic backgrounds, they are a stronger breed both mentally and physically. It’s the opposite of in-breeding basically. Which, I think we can all admit how beautiful mixed people are, and the research shows that mixed children consistently test higher than non-mixed children, not only in academics but in emotional intelligence tests as well. I think it should also be noted that a mixed society would be an extremely less racist society… for obvious reasons. Now, not that it excuses Jay Z’s lust for another woman, but this theory does explain how he can be married to the queen of life that is Beyoncé… and yet still inexplicably want a “Becky with the Good hair”.

The film then shifts more towards feminism and the power of women, as perhaps we see Beyoncé realizing this underlying natural attraction, and the implications of what this means for the black woman who would presumably then be destined to be with the white male. The same populous that has been predominantly responsible for slavery, not to mention decades of black oppression, and whom currently makes up the majority of Donald Trump’s supporters. Not exactly the most open-minded group to end up with.

However, as the film comes to a close, Beyoncé includes this quote from Hattie Mae White:

“I had my ups and downs, but I always find the inner strength to cool myself off. I was served lemons, but I made lemonade.”

This quote very eloquently points out how women have been finding a way to thrive in any situation they are handed in life for as long as time. So I have to concur that if Beyoncé did find herself wondering down this thought path, perhaps feeling some anger at her proposed genetic destiny… she ultimately knew it would be okay… as there is always lemonade to be made from any situation.

Bottom line: This is all just me thinking out loud, trying to get other people to think a bit as well. I loved Lemonade. Beyoncé is perfection. Buy the album (which is available on iTunes now if you weren’t aware), and watch the film. You won’t regret it.